Beautifully Irrational

Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Holy Shit! Ok, not the best way to welcome my child into the world, but Holy Shit!

ok, swearing over, I think. Not so long ago, I posted a little rant, about pregnancy in fan fiction. Well, I included some pertinant facts about how I was infertile, have had multiple miscarriages, and unsuccessful fertility treatments.

Well, in March, my doctor put me on birth conttrol pills because I hadn't menstruated in over three months, and they were worried about endometriosis. My migraines and pelvic pain were getting really bad, etc.

I casually mentioned that I was one of those weird ones who happened to ovulate the first month off of birth control pills. (Most women don't for several months, even if they are getting their period, and I just don't hardly ever.)

Well, a short while ago, I had to reorder my 3 month supply from the VA and various forces caused it to be late. I was planning on starting them the Sunday after we received them. That Saturday we were at a friends house and I noticed some of the TMI signs that my body might actually be fertile. I mentioned it to my husband, so we took a chance, and I didn't start the pills.

Today, I got up and took a test... seconds later, I was waking my husband up and pointing to the stick.... "It hasn't been the full time yet, and that is NOT my imagination!"

The test was positive. I'm pregnant. OMG! No telling if this one will actually stick, but apparently miracles do happen.

I'm pregnant.

Excuse me while I go hyperventilate.


The test was positive. I'm pregnant, and I had it confirmed by the doctor. OMG! No telling if this one will actually stick, but apparently miracles do happen, and this little miracle is due 10 Mar 2007.

If you had me alone, locked up in your house for twenty-four hours and I had to do whatever you wanted me to, what would you have me do? All comments will be permanently screened because it's a secret. Then repost this in your LJ. You might be surprised with the responses you get.

Gakked from pandarus. Colour me curious.

Your Linguistic Profile:

60% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

Sounds about right for a transplanted Yankee, who's travelled a bit.

Taking a moment to give back some music, via meme....

( The Tracklist )

The Frankenstein Meme: Pilot [masterlist]

( So, after nearly six years, I have rejoined the workforce. )

All of that aside, I have decided that us fangirls (and boys) have more fun. I was at work today, minding my tasks, when on the radio came "Who are You?" and I had my little CSI squee moment. The other day, I was listening to a song that is inspiring one of my current fic projects and I had pretty, slashy inspiration. Everyone else doesn't know what they are missing.

One of my tasks this weekend is to put that inspiration to paper. It's all bottled up inside. I also have to finish an overdue site design project and update my other sites this weekend as well. So, I will pretty much be living, breathing, eating my computer this weekend. Drop me a note, commiserate, whtever... hopefully, I will have lots to show for it, because I have to go back to work on Monday, and sometime between now and then, I really have to clean the bathroom, do laundry and wash the dishes.

ain't life as a working woman grand....

ps. I also had a fun fangirly moment when it came time to choose my password for work... I name my computers, and pets and sometimes passwords from tv characters and I chose Rodney McKay for this honor - it quite amused me. I get to think about Rodney, several times a day, when I have to log-in to any of the servers - and I can change it every 45 days, if I wish.

My husband is going to go to unemployment on Monday, and then to Staffmark, to try and get a temporary job. I think we have come to the decision that if we can raise enough money to pay off our van and cover expenses that we are going to tryto move to Florida, just after the new year.

My brother lives there, and I am very blessed to be in contact with him again, despite the fact that it was the result of our monther's death. I would love to be near him and my niece and my sister-in-law seems enthusiastic about the idea too.

A lot of things will have to fall into place for us, as it will take about $3,000, but we are going to try.

We'll work on paying our bills, and then getting a small place (even if we move again later). Wish us luck.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Yesterday was not so fun around here. My husband lost his job, and then I came home to find that my website had been hacked. There was a trojan on the site and large amounts of files had been overwritten. I was able to fix most of the problems with the site, but any files that were uploaded between 10 Nov 05 and 23 Nov 05, had to be deleted, because I didn't have back-ups of them, and all of the files had been truncated.

None of the pop-ups, links to other sites, etc were meant to be on this site, this includes the warez link that showed up in the news section. Whoever hacked this site, changed everything, and it took me hours to find all of the files that were affected. I am still working on uploading the corrected files to the main site.

For this holiday, I wanted to let everyone know that despite the roller coaster my life has seemed to been on since August, I am quite thankful for many things in my life, not the least of which are everyone that I have met on-line, who have kept me in your thoughts and prayers and those who have offerred their support. More than once, one of you have made my day brighter. My husband and I wish all of you a wonderful Thanksgiving, whether you are in America or overseas.

My grandmother called today. She wanted to let me know that she had just found out that my mother died. They are not sure what happened. She just turned 52, I think, earlier this month. She went to the ER over the weekend, because she was sick. They gave her some meds and sent her home. She went to bed, and asked her husband for a drink. A while later, he went to sleep. When he woke up, she was gone.

I am not sure how I feel about this. I might make the trip to Oklahoma, to go to the funeral, but we weren't very close. We hardly knew each other at all. She has been trying for years to get in touch, sending me cards, every few months, but I never wrote back. I was going to a few months ago, when she wrote to tell me that my younger brother had just had a child, but I never did - and now it's too late.

I don't know - I feel bad, sad, but so much of our relationship was ambiguous that her death has left it that way permanantly.

I have discovered a new love. There is an internet cafe in town near the college. I can take my laptop up there and plug it in to the internet, and it doesn't cost anything!!!

And to give you an idea of the difference: I recently discovered bittorrent and thought I would give it a trial run. What would take 330+ days to download from home (apr. 8G) is running about 8-15 days here (still a lot, but about 1/40th of the time). A program that I need that would have taken 2 days at home, was finished in ~40 minutes.

I am so loving this. I will likely be spending some time here, in the near future - especially since my 26.4-28.8 connection at home is positively prehistoric.

I can even plug in the power cord, since I don't have a working battery... so cool. I think tomorrow I will work on my websites and stack up downloads in Getright and then come back Wednesday and upload/download it all.

I have been having computer problems. Said problems culminated last night, in me reformating my laptop and reinstalling windows (and everything else). It's still a bit of a WIP.

Here's the thing... Most of it was safely ensconced on my external harddrive and recently backed up. However, a few vital areas were neglected.

1) I haven't backed up my Outlook Express in 4.5 months. I lost all of my e-mail from that time, and my complete address book.

There are definately some people I need to contact, but now don't have contact info for... so, if you think that's you, would you drop me a mail.

2) The database for one of my websites... the rough copy that I was working on and editing... that was on my laptop harddrive for easy portability, so that I could work on it, whether I had my external hd or not. I may
or may not have a recent back-up somewhere. I can reconstrust it, but I had made a lot of changes and deletions, and had a nice little section of the 400 or so files that were left to be added...

*whimpers*

I haven't previously joined in the comments on Katrina, even though we have friends who have been misplaced. However, while watching a news channel this morning, they said that because of the looting, police have been forced to stop search and rescue efforts, in order to stop the crime.

Excuse me? Priorities, anyone? Do people really care so much about their stores and property that they would rather the police stand guard over it, and potentially let people in need of rescue die? Many of the looting people, granted not all, are only doing their best to survive in what has become the equivalent of a war zone, where mother nature is the enemy.

I think this is a truly stupid plan.

I'm not pregnant. My period did come about 4 weeks ago, and I was really down. I went away for a women's retreat weekend, and it was just what I needed. I've relaxed, and am mostly taking an indefinite break.

DH says I can have all of the HPTs I want, but nothing else. I have a bunch of OPKs, but we aren't using them. No sex on demand, and I'm not really even charting (just enought to know that I haven't O'd yet this cycle - CD28). It's working for us. I still know my body from all of the time charting, and I do let him know what I think is going on, but it's no big deal.

I still hope it happens, but I'm not holding my breath (or my pee). I'm trying to concentrate on other things a bit. I have been so obsessed and depressed for the last year that it was taking a toll on us and my marriage.

I kind of took a self-imposed break from IDOB, until I could be more objective, and have thrown myself into web design for the past few weeks. I even picked up a few commisions.

Who knows - it may still work out for us.

.. Not Pregnant.

I used an Answer brand test with FMU this morning, and it was clearly negative, despite the positive BOAT 2 days ago. I really feel like AF is coming.

My cycle has been screwy all month, and I have no idea how accurate my temps are or when/if I O'd now.

I guess I'll just wait for AF or test again in a few days.

My temps for this cycle have been really weird, and I am not sure how accurate they are. Also, I had EWCM at 4 and 5 dpo, and if I put that in my chart, it says I haven't O'd at all, despite the thermal shift.

For example - when I first woke up this am, my temp was 97.6. I immediately took it again to double check (digital) and it was 97.8. Ten minutes later, because I was freaked out that maybe I screwed up, I took it again, it was 97.9.

My chart has high temps where it shouldn't, lows where it shouldn't. Who knows - maybe I didn't O at all...

but that line in still clear as a bell on the blood test I did 2 days ago.

... but, mommy, I don't want to pee on a test....

lol

I am afraid, since this one was so difficult in developing and the blood test is supposed to be more sensitive, then the urine test will be negative.

on a side note, DH is not going to know what to think, either... "uh, hunny, you know that test that i said was positive and then it wasn't... well, it is again."

he'll probably say that this baby is as bad at making up his mind as mommy!

I may do it in the am - but what if it's negative...
/// ok, so most of you POAS addicts don't think about that, and I admit, I could be an addict too... but I will be honest... THIS is my mosted hated time of the month... not AF, not the 2ww, not waiting to O...

the uncertainty that my body has once again screwed up, and I may or may not be PG. AF might decide to come when she gets off of her damn coffee break. ///

Someone posted over at IDOB about how it can be like a slap in the face sometimes to see women that you have rooted for and struggled together with TTC approaching the end of their pregnancy and/or giving birth.

It can be really hard sometimes. I actually read a lot of the due date buddy boards at the beginning of each month (until the next cycle gets started) and read and sometimes comment in general pregnancy.

Occasionally, I will see a post from someone that I saw get their BFP and they will be significamtly along in their pregnancy and it will shock the heck out of me that so much time has passed.

I'm still here, and still waiting, and it sucks.

I wish everyone the best, but I would like my turn, too.

I am 12dpo. AF was due today - I have an 10-11 day LP. I also have been having early PG symptoms, but I am not relying on them.

A while back, someone posted at IDOB about the at home blood test and so I tried it...
( Read more... )

AF is due tomorrow. My temp actually went up this am, .2 above my highest to date. My temps have been a little weird this month.

I did take a test last night at DH's urging, even though I am only 11dpo. It was negative - I'm not really surprised. It has been a strange few days, though. I am having early pg symptoms - granted they all could have multiple explanations, and likely do mean something else.

Even if AF doesn't show tomorrow, I will have to give her a few days leeway because I have a short LP. FF has me testing tomorrow, but I will probably hold out til Wednesday at least.

... but I think this is going to be my last month actively TTC. I'm not going back to the dr, no more clomid (that doesn't work and just screws me up). I am going to work on losing some weight, getting into a little better shape, fixing up my house, maybe write a book.

I don't know why this is the deadline I set for myself, but I've felt it coming on for a bit. Maybe it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage... maybe it's just time.

I'll probably still hang out here, but I need to stop my baby obsession.

I may or may not chart, but I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe we'll have another surprose... maybe not.

It feels good. That's not to say that I'm not hoping for a BFP this month, but if it doesn't come, I am ready to move on.

I want to thank all of you who have helped support me this past year. You have all meant a lot to me, and I wish you guys luck on your ttc journey.