Beautifully Irrational

Random is as random does...

Sat, 06 Mar 2010 10:23:52 GMT

Funny thing happened on my way to posting in my journal... I turned off an episode of Supernatural to come and post, only to see at the top of my journal, "The Story So Far..." It makes me giggle, because I inadvertently ganked that from Supernatural, and ironically the moment I fell in love with / realized I was in love with the show... [[[The end of the first season, with the flashback vid set to 'Carry On My Wayward Son' - and still always my favorite part of the season]]] And now that I realize I did it, I'm still keeping it :)

You know pregnancy changes a lot of things in your life, but did you know it changes your taste buds too? [[Disclaimer: NO, that is not an announcement]] I am currently devouring my third mint - chocolate - cone - pop - drumstick - thingy since Thursday night. They are so friggen, deliciously awesome. However, I hate mint - with a passion. I have used kid's bubblegum, fruity toothpastes, or vanilla, or my current a weird orange Scope kind of toothpaste for as long as I remember, because I so gag at the idea of mint. However, since my last pregnancy I have had a weird soft spot for mint chocolate chip ice cream with its Andes candies flavor. Mmmm, yummm. How weird is that? Especially since I was last pregnant in the fall of 2006, and the craving persists. ***shrugs***

On a TTC note, I have been charting again, but it has mostly been diheartening. DH has not been very cooperative in doing his part, due to performance issues, weight gain that has made him out of shape, and worsening depression, but I can't get on him too bad about not stepping up when the opportunity arises (so to speak) because my charting is only telling me how cooperative my own body is not....

I'll have a few days of EWCM, followed by a temp spike that the next day (or a few hours later) drops completely away again. It's like my body keeps gearing up to ovulate, harder and harder each week, but can't make it over the hurdle. It's very, very frustrating.

I'll be 35 in a couple of months, and I know that women conceive older than that, I can't help but feel that my window of opportunity is closing. My ten year anniversary is this year. We have only ever used birth control in passing (some condoms in the beginning before we married, a month or two of birth control pills here and there as I have needed them to reset my cycles, etc. We did the whole clomid thing, only to find that I was resistant to it. While I may be able to get it covered, my problem isn't one of the ones listed for our insurance to cover IVF, and what if we did go through all of that only to miscarry again. Tha would suck majorly.

I'm thinking of adoption again, but really, I don't know if I am up to that kind of heartbreak again either, nor can we currently afford it.

I don't know - this turned out to be a lot more depressing than I thought it would be.

My jobs not going so bad three months in, though it has its days. It think about blogging about it, I just don't want to talk about it when I get home most of the time. Money's tight, but we are working on it, and settling into our new home. I'm trying to plan for grad school as soon as I finish paying off the $3500 I owe on my bachelor's degree.

Keebler's "Wheatables" Nut Crisp (Roasted Almond) crackers are surprisingly good. 16 crackers have 19 net carbs, and 3g protein, 6g fat, but they do taste good.

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Some wishes do come true...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:25:55 GMT

I have been working my butt off the last few weeks in preparation for graduation, and that is why I have been largely absent. Today, some of that work paid off.

I have been working on getting a job, and last week I week I had an interview at a hospital a little over an hour south of here. As desperate as I have been to get any job (I got rid of our cell phones for a pay as you go phone last month, our cable internet was shut off this morning and we are behind on our rent desperate...) I REALLY wanted this job, because it seemed like a really good fit.

Today, I got the call for my background check, and tomorrow I go to do my drug screen/meet with human resources. I'll be making about $35,000 a year, with benefits starting the first day (insurance after 30 days).

This was such a huge relief - I am practically giddy. Now, I just have to finish up all of my assignments by Monday so that I can actually graduate.

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Now taking blinkie/icon requests....

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 06:23:59 GMT

I'm mostly tired, and a little sore, but feeling better, I think. I am still drowning in homework that is going to take a miracle to complete, and bills that are likewise, but the excruciating pain has mostly past.

Because I am the queen of procrastination, and always looking for something to do, even when I already have 50 million things, and I'm looking for a bit of distraction/fun, and these bite-sized graphics are a good fit. So, for an indefinite length of time, I am taking requests for the following:

1) Signature blinkies - personalized or general. (see my left sidebar, even though I didn't make all of those)

* I :heart: ????
* TTC
* Due in [Month]
* zodiac sign
* Breastfeeding/Other parenting milestone
* Sports teams
* Whatever you can think of...

2) Icons
Must be 100x100, under 40k, preferably not animated, but exceptions can be made.

* Same subjects as above
* Actor/Actesses
* Quotes
* Pop culture (ie. Starbucks)
* Stock Images
* Whatever you can think of...

I can google images for icons, or you can provide me with 2-3 to choose from.
Limit a total of 3 blinkies/icons per person, unless there are no pending requests, then you can place another order after your previous order is filled.

Samples of previous work available upon request.

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Friday 5 for November 6: Hot N Cold

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 02:17:24 GMT

This week's questions are from Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle, and the theme seems fitting, because Katy Perry has been singing the soundtrack in my head this week.

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

1) Which one is more irritating- being too hot or being too cold?
I hate being too hot. You can always layer extra clothes and blankets, but when I'm too hot, it's like I can't breathe. I freeze my husband out summer or winter.

2) Were you born in the winter or the summer?
I was born at the end of spring, beginning of summer, when everything is fresh and beautiful, but not to hot.

3) What are your favourite foods to eat when you need to warm up and cool down?
I love soup and hot drinks, all of the time; hot tea, cocoa, Americanos. Soft serve ice cream is another favorite, and one I will break my 'diet' for. I love ice cream and shakes, etc.

4) Which one are you more likely to suffer from- hayfever or flu- and does it run in your family?
My husband has bad hayfever, I have more indoor allergies (like mold). Respiratory illnesses tend to knock us both for a loop, but it's not a family thing for either of us.

5) You are granted a day of perfect weather whenever you like. What day do you place it on and why?
I don't know - hopefully day where I have the time and health to enjoy it.

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This post brought to you by the letters "E" and "R".

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:18:36 GMT

I thought that I had ovulated a few weeks ago, because I wasn't temping, and then had very bad PMS-like symptoms last week. Last night I started having stabby-type pains in my right ovary, occasionally shooting down to my cervix. They got worse as the day went on, until I was crying at one point during the morning at work.

I tried to call my Gyn this am, to get some BCP, for what was quickly becoming obvious was an ovarian cyst, but she wouldn't prescribe it, because it had been more than a year since my last PAP smear apparently. I did make an appointment with her for 17 December.

Meanwhile, the pain kept getting worse, and the girls at the lab were getting on my case to see the dr, so after I clocked out, I walked down to the emergency department. They got me in pretty quick. I didn't see the doctor very much, and it was obvious that gynecology wasn't a specialty of his, but he did examine me, and ask questions, and listen to me. The wait time to get my labs and everything clear was a little long, but I was able to get some sleep and that helped, and then DH showed up.

So, I got a month's supply of Ortho-cyclen, and 15 Lortab/Vicodin/Hydrocodone-APAP that was working wonderfully, but is starting to wear off half-way to my next dose. Also, since we haven't gotten Leland's insurance reinstated, it was kind of an expensive visit to the ER, and the out of pocket expenses for the meds, even as generics.

I'm really worried about money, especially since we are about $700 behind on our rent, and I haven't gotten a job yet. Also, this incident happened at the hospital that I am hoping will hire me, and I don't know if I will be up to going in in the am, or ifit will even be smart to do so, considering the pain could get much worse through the day OR I could take a three day weekend (that would reflect on my attendence/reliability).

Dx: dehydration & ovarian cyst
Prognosis: Medically, good with fluids, meds and rest. Personal life and employment prospects, TBD.

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To Blog or Not to Blog, there is no question.

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:01:39 GMT

Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle, posted today about why she blogs, in response to a response to a blog post about blog identity, and apparently, it is contagious, because I am continuing the trend.

I think it is human nature to want to connect, and for whatever reason, we can't always do that in our real (off-line) lives, sometimes because there are truths that we aren't necessarily ready to share with the general people who know us, but feel free to expose that part of ourselves on-line. Also, we want people to respond, to say "I understand," "I know what you mean," etc. I'm no different in that regard.

I first got on-line in 1997. The internet was a different place then, I am fond of saying, and it was, because everything was growing so exponentially and the internet bubble hadn't busted yet. There were HUGE on-line chat communities. They weren't much more advanced than current yahoo chatrooms in structure, but they were communities, in much the way journal sites like livejournal and social networking sites like facebook are now. The main one that I was part of was The Park. I actually met my husband there.

About a year and a half after that I discovered fan fiction. I love to read, to write, and to explore media, and I was able to link up with other people with similar interests. I joined mailing lists on onelist, then egroups, and eventually yahoogroups, as one company bought another. About the time yahoo started acting like the borg and gobbling up everything in sight (egroups, geocities, webrings, etc) livejournal was getting started, and people started migrating to it, and using communities in place of the mailing list. In 2003, I followed lemming-like.

It became a perfect fit for me, because the connections seemed more real, writers became people and it was easy to find new communities and forums by surfing friends of friends, and I wasn't limited to just talking about the topic at hand - as with most communities that had a strict 'no off-topic posts' policy. It helped me to open a dialogue.

However, even now there is a bit of division in my life. I still have that fandom based journal, but when I first became pregnant, I wanted a way to share my pregnancy with my grandmother who lives in California (and is my only real family) and yet, keep things separate. My fandom from my real life, for people in my real life and my real life from fandom, for those who while friendly didn't necessarily want to know the intimate details of my girl parts :)

This became even more when I decided to undergo fertility treatments and needed to vent and record my journey, and then another pregnancy and loss, and now, a way to share my stories both for my own peace of mind, but also to help provide support for other people who may be experiencing the same thing themselves.

It's all about connection.

My husband knows some of your names, because I talk about you and your troubles, and the ways that you have impacted my life. I don't always have the time or motivation to post, but even when I seem absent, I am often thinking of my blog and the things that I could be saying. My journals may be part confessional a la The Red Shoe Diaries, but it is real, and it's important; it's a part of my life that I would be hard pressed to ever let go of.

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Using Dreamwdith for Bloggers

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:38:58 GMT

1) You do not have to have a be a Dreamwidth member to comment on any entry here, as this site accepts OpenID.

2) If you would like to join the site, then you are welcome to do so, and I will be happy to give and/or find you a code.

Here's 2 to start:
CC8HD37FGGCC9AAACKQ4
Q9FJXPTDQY66YAAACKQ5

Comment if you take one, or need one.

3) Dreamwidth supports RSS and ATOM feeds. Most of my reading page consists of blogs on other systems:
alittlepregnant, annenahm, barrenblog, lostandfound, notafertilemyrtle, sassypantsmommy, stirrupqueens, etc. See the "Feeds" section of my profile to see my current subscriptions, and to follow those blogs for yourself.

4) You can also follow me via RSS or ATOM on your journal, or feedreader service (Google Reader, My Yahoo, Bloglines, Net Vibes, Newsgator). RSS ATOM. This is also a good way to group all of your favorite blogs in one place, if you are still visiting them one by one.

Questions, Comments?

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Microbiology is fun!

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:23:10 GMT

Ok, most people would think I am crazy for loving playing with slimy, smelly, germy cultires of various body fluids and excretions, but I really am enjoying it, even if today was only my second day.

I also may have a line on a job, if the lab manager isn't sick of me yet. I keep going to her and talking to her about possible positions, and have made it very clear, that I am both extremely eager and extrememly desperate. Today, Diane, the head of the bloodbank made a suggestion that I should see about a PRN position, especially as one of the other employees is about to go on maternity leave.

There is a part-time/PRN specimen processing position open and I finish my micro rotation in about 3 weeks, which is about when Christie's maternity leave starts and Micro is her main department. I have my fingers crossed, so much, because it would get my foot in the door, and I would be working full time during the Christmas break, which is the same time that DH would be laid off, due to the school being closed.

I haven't had the best of luck job-hunting, because the positions keep disappearing. I really, really hope that something comes of this, but it will be a week or so before they even visit the question. I guess that's time to get my house in order (in the figurative and literal sense.

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sigh

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 22:06:30 GMT

Nothing much is happening here, which is sad, because it really should be. I guess I am just down, as I mentioned before. Graduation is just a few weeks off. I am trying very hard to find a job, and DH and I are really really feeling the stress financially.

So, in honor of this: something silly that makes me smile.

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Motivation Needed

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:26:35 GMT

Today starts the 30 posts in 30 days blogathon, and already, I fail. Well, I did remember to post today, so, I guess that's one thing, but I can't think of what to say.

Ironically, today is also the first day of National Novel Writing Month. This is the first time since 2004 that I haven't made an attempt to participate (though, that, like everything else you see here, is subject to change.

I'm kind of depressed about my approaching graduation, which is weird. I am so behind on my homework that I'm going to fail, if I don't get my butt it gear, and yet, I can't seem to do it. I also have not paid this semester's tuition, nor, can I afford to, and we are on the very edge of getting evicted for not paying our rent. We are so broke and the job I interviewed for (that I need to graduate for) fell through. Not, that they hired someone elso... The job just went away.

*sigh* Even I don't want to be around me, I am so depressing.

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Blah, Blah, Broken Record

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 21:58:01 GMT

In the continuing saga that is my messed up cycle this month: Yesterday am I took one of the pregnancy tests that I had from the hospital with FMU and it was negative.

However, I still have not started menstruating. My cervix has headed for parts so far north I can barely find it, and is completely closed, and for the last two days, I am wet all of the time, to the point that I think it may finally be AF, but it's just CM. It doesn't have any texture, though... not eggwhite, not stretchy, not even like arousal, just wet.

I generally have a fairly short LP (11-12 days), and I am 17dpo at this point, by my calculations; so, the only thing that I can think is that maybe I didn't ovulate after all, and I've just got the wrong end of the stick. I can't find my thermometer right now.

My body is telling me differently though.. I am PMSing. My breasts hurt all of the time, and get really bad about the same time every evening (6-11pm) to the point where, I'm grabbing them in public, until I realize what I'm doing.

I am continually crampy, painfully so, though this cycles some, too. Basically, I have all of the symptoms of early pregnancy/really, really bad PMS.

I don't know what to do/think at this point. Part of me wants this resolved, part of me thinks the BFN means that it has, part of me thinks "Good. Maybe I am pregnant, but if I don't KNOW, I can't worry about it, and one day, I'll be way past my first trimester and 'Surprise!'.

*rolls eyes* I mean, I know I'm not the sanest chick on the internets, but something has got to give here, and I'm afraid that it's going to be my sanity.

I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and cry now.

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Friday 5 for October 30: At the Movies

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 18:38:03 GMT

1. What’s your favorite sports movie?
Sports movies. What sports movies do I watch? Baseball. Football. Feelgood, underdogs. I know I've watched them....

*jeopardy theme playing in head* White Man Can't Jump? Nah, not a fave, just ALSO happens to include Jeopardy. lol.

///tests google-fu on "best sports movies" /// Ok. A few Honorable Mentions, but favorites?

Amused that Pool and Chess make the 'sports movies' categories, when that idea would get your ss kicked in most high schools - Hey! Is revenge of the Nerds a 'sports movie. Nah. Didn't think so. Oooh and we almost have a winner, thanks to this site and its list of controversial inclusions.

TIE: The Cutting Edge and Bring It On. The first probably has a slight advantage in favoritism, but the latter fights back with sheer smart-assedness. (Though it almost loses coolness points for the 50 million sequals.)

(What do you mean that wasn't in the movie you saw?)

2. What’s your favorite romantic comedy film?
I haven't the faintest idea. I do watch them, but they aren't top of my list. I'm an action/thriller/suspense kind of girl. Hmmmm...

I'm going to go old school with this. Pillow Talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson.

3. What’s your favorite animated Disney movie?
Hmm, I love the soundtrack to Mulan, and it's hard to narrow down, so probably that.

(Here, Have an mp3 of my favorite: Donny Osmond - I'll Make A Man Out Of You [Mulan])

4. What’s your favorite non-Disney movie musical?

Into the Woods (with Bernadette Peters)

5. What’s your favorite stranger-in-a-strange-land / fish-out-of-water movie?

Wizard of Oz!!!!!

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Someone's NOT Listening

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 15:51:48 GMT

Last night, I wrote the following on the message board:

I hurt!!!! My breasts are so sore right now, and my bra is killing me. My belly is so sore and crampy and hurting and I am getting one h#ll of a headache. I can NOT wait to go home, and relax in a cold, dark room with as few clothes as possible and a couple of naproxin.

I am miserable. AF better show by the morning, or else that stick better d@mn well have two lines. This is ridiculous. I have to start a new rotation on Moday and I have a TON of stuff to do this weekend. I DON'T have time for this... (and it really hurts).

Guess, what? Still here. Still hurting. No menstruation, except in my dreams (which is kind of weird, dreaming about getting your period, in the midst of already weird dreams, dealing with tampons, etc.) Aaaannnddd, I used the last hCG test that I snagged from the hospital. One big fat pink line = NOT pregnant. No way, no how.

Look, the witch better show up quick, fast, and in a hurry, because I am 16dpo, and negative on a very sensitive test with FMU, so I am NOT PREGNANT. That makes this uncomfortableness nigh on torture and quite unnecesary. If she doesn't show up by Sunday, I'm breaking out the progesterone to show her who's boss around here.

__________________

Also, Suzy of Not a Fertile Myrtle is hosting a 30 posts in 30 days blogathon during the month of November. Who knows if I will be able to do it, or to have anything interesting to say, but I'm going to give it a shot.

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Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:57:40 GMT

I am no longer a blonde. Apparently, this is news to no one but me.

I've always been blonde. In fact it is a weird Mendelian quirk that both of my parents had black hair and dark brown eyes, and both my brother and I had blonde hair and hazel (brown/green eyes). My paternal grandmother is to thank for the eyes. My maternal grandfather had reddish blonde hair, and the rest is a mystery.

Now, I call my hair chameleon colored really, in that it is and has been every color and none. As a child the whitest of blondes, light strawberry blondes, and "dirty" blondes all occured at some point. My hair began to change and darken slightly during my teenage years, becoming a darker blonde with nice, clear blonde highlights and red lowlights. My formerly bone straight hair also became quite curly... an experimental body wave had me looking like a poodle.

I've never really dyed my hair, or at least not more than a shade or two lighter or darker or redder, nothing that would give me obvious roots when it grew in. It was never really an issue. My hair seemed to take on whatever color was applied. A couple of years ago though, I dyed my hair a dark chesnut red (almost purpley). It looked awesome, but was much darker than my previous experiments. So maybe that's why I didn't notice.

I cut my hair last night. The curls that fell into the sink have not been chemically treated at all, and they were, by no stretch of the imagination, not blonde. They were a deep rich brown.

When did this happen and how did I not notice it?

I mean, I did notice my hair was darker lately (and for a while), but I didn't realize the extent of the change. I realized that I didn't notice, because I don't look in the mirror. I am so unhappy with the woman who looks back, that I avoid looking, and avoid really seeing when I do. It's a lot of little things... the dissonance between who I think I am and what I see. The effects of the hirsutism of my hormone issues. I don't know, but it's really sad that I am so out of touch with who I am that I didn't even realize that I wasn't blonde anymore.

I should work on that.

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No Joy

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 03:56:24 GMT

I'm a raving hormonal b#tch, but my tits look nice.

(Translation: My breasts and belly are sore and swollen, and AF has not get arrived to put me out of my misery.)

Despite my misgivings, the stick has been duly peed on, and the chronic single line has appeared. So, I am in limbo - not pregnant, but not yet menstrual and moving on.

The good news, is that despite my recent laissez-faire (spurred on by premenstrual depression), I am starting to see the effects of my "diet". I say diet in the loosest terms, because I'm not counting calories by any means, though I am watching carbs. I am also walking home from the hospital each day,k and sometimes also to the college (about 2 miles). I am starting to see the muscles in my legs become more defined again, and I finally noticed the other day that some of my fat belly has gone AWOL.

My breasts are a bit smaller, but apparently premenstrual swelling does wonders for them. DH apparently agrees because he gave me a sheer white top to put on when we went out to Wal-Mart. I wore it of course, because I'm trashy like that - and it's the little things (or not so little as the case may be) that we have to hold on to when infertility once again kicks us in the ass (or the cramping lower abdomen).

That is all.

///We are considering moving on to a last ditch attempt with injectibles next year, depending on my employment situation.///

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Acknowledging Our Losses

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 03:31:08 GMT

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

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The Story So Far...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 08:07:04 GMT

My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

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I informed DH...

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:33:18 GMT

that I know he is tired, and it wasn't likely, but if there was any chance in hell, we needed to have sex tonight.

There's this illustration in the TCOYF book with the super-long string of EWCM (and the accompanying anecdote of the successful pregnancy that resulted) - that's me tonight (successful pregnancy pending*), and I am all achy and twingy in my pelvis.

Today is day 17 of my cycle, and that's about when I usually ovulate if it's going to happen. (The last few months, I have had my slightly longer, mostly regular, but annovulatory cycles, so I am due for a good one.)

So, you know good thoughts, baby wishes, and fairy dust (lottery tickets - whatever your personal magic is) are all welcome. It's been too many years, and too many losses. I've pretty much reconciled myself to not having a baby at this point, but I can't help but hope on days like this.

I want a miracle.

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Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

Thu, 14 May 2009 23:34:53 GMT

I swear I'm going to end up one of those crazy ladies with a hysterical pregnancy like that chick on Grey's Anatomy.

I posted over the weekend/Monday or sometime about how I was having weird pregnancy symptoms/premonitions even though I was barely past ovulation and knew it was impossible. Today my breasts are killing me. I'm only 5dpo. I'm not that crazy yet. I know it's all in my mind, but dammit.

On top of that, I had a doctor's visit today because I've been having problems with my diabetes. I told her that I wasn't "trying" but I wasn't "not trying" either. She told me not to get pregnant right now, because of my health and the stress of my current financial situation. I know all of that in my head, and really, it's been quite a while since I was this "baby crazy". I don't know where my head is at.

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TTC or not, really.

Mon, 11 May 2009 20:52:11 GMT

It's been a weird few years since my last miscarriage. I have pretty much come to terms with it all, and have accepted that it's probably never going to happen. I can't say that I have been TTC, because I hardly ever chart and our sex life is mostly non-existant at this point, but there are weird times, when out of the blue, obsession strikes again.

Last month, I was hoping that I might be pregnant, allow I was 83% sure that I wasn't. This month is different. Maybe, because yesterday was Mother's Day. I ovulated this weekend. Friday, I convinced DH to spend a little time together. I'm not charting, so I don't know my temps, and can't guarantee that I even ovulated. I know that if I am "pregnant" implantation has not occurred. So, why do I "feel" pregnant? Why do I strangely feel like this might be it?

This weekend, we cleaned out a ton of our baby stuff and let it go, selling it off as a lot to DH's aunt for her kid's resale shot. I am perfectly ok with that. Even a bit relieved.

I went back to school a year after my last miscarriage (something it would have been near impossible to do with a baby) and am happily haeding toward graduation and a career and possibly grad school.

I am moving on with my life, not stressing about not having a baby. I do hope that it might mythically be possible, and I do want one, but am not as heartbroken most of the time that I've moved beyond that stage. I am about to be 34 in three weeks, and think I have let this go.

And yet, I am dreaming. Or more importantly -- not. You see, I dream of babies all of the time. Me getting pregnant, me having a baby. I do a lot of lucid dreaming, and my dreams are often self-insertion fantasies that resemble harlequin novels (lol don't judge me). The only time I have ever been unable to do this was during my pregnacies (and it was the one thing that always changed even before I knew I miscarried). This weekend, I stopped dreaming again. I have also had heartburn every time I get hungry the last few days, which only happens when I am pregant - except it's too early to be pregnant (like 3 weeks too early to be having symptoms, if I am), so why is my damn mind playing tricks on me, and how do I cope with it?

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