Beautifully Irrational

I am watching the first season of Silk Stalkings on DVD. I absolutely loved this show where it was first on. The summer after I my freshman year of college (1992), I would stay up, practically all night, to watch Crimetime after Primetime. There were five or six different shows - a different one each night, Monday-Friday. SS was one of them. Later it moved to USA, in syndication, and for more original seasons.

Anyway, the first season of this aired, in 1991. I was surprised when I watched the eighth episode tonight that the "couple" in question were two women, and they are shown kissing and hugging, and there are some frank discussions about sexual preference in the show.

It's not perfect, of course, in that one of these women are killed, after getting into a fight with her lover, about wanting a threesome with some young stud. The main girl, who is so adamant about proclaiming her sexuality, is also the high school girl friend of Chris (one of the two cops on the show, Chris and Rita - for the first 5 seasons), and she ends up sleeping with him. He's a little angry with her - more about the fact that she's gay than the murder (which she did not commit), in fact. They solve the case, and Chris makes peace with her, and they go there separate ways. Still, for 1991 (actually 22 January 1992, I looked up the airdate) that was more than I expected for this type of storyline.

The show was created by Stephen J. Cannell, of The A-Team, 21 Jump Street, and Wiseguy fame, and ended up running for 8 seasons. The main couple Chris and Rita had good chemistry, and eventually RST (right before they left the show). The focus on solving high-class crimes of passion, they call they Silk Stalkings.

It is a bit dated (flourescent colors and very modern (80's) architecture and design), but fun. I was surprized by the science. They were still talking about matching suspects using ABO types, and had to send away to Washington for a DNA match in one case. It's a far cry from CSI. I still love it, though. (Except for the second half of the fifth season, which nobody discusses, and didn't really happen. Nope. Prior to that, you have "Classic Silk" with Chis and Rita, and after that "New Silk" with Tom and Cassie. The second half of the fifth season was some other show, with some other cops, and some other writers - who were smoking some heavy crack or something, and they disappear as mysteriously as they showed up, thankfully, to never be heard of again.)

I love CSI (Vegas) and have from the beginning, and earlier this year I discovered and CSI: New York and really got into it. I don't know that, overall, I love it as much as the original, but it is fresh in a way the original isn't any more, and I enjoy it a little more, right now.

However, I have never been able to get into CSI: Miami. I think at first, it was because I don't care for David Caruso. For the first few episodes Horatio had a partner (a woman) who made him almost a tolerable character, and then she left the show, and shortly thereafter, so did I.

Well, Brendan Fehr was on CSI: Miami last season, and I am a fan of his from Roswell. I decided to start downloading the last season to give it another shot. Well, I like him a lot, but he is just a minor character, and he doesn't really make it worth it to me to watch.

I like Calleigh. The ME is quirky, in an interesting way, and Adam Rodriguez' character is good, too. I am a huge fan of crime shows and procedural dramas, in general. Despite that, I can't get interested in the dynamic of this show. It just leaves me frustrated.

I know a lot of my flist is a fan of the franchise across the board, but this show leaves me absolutely cold, and I have no idea why.

Strange.

Like most of my flist - I was quite confused about the "Update Captain's Log" button on the update page - I almost didn't post this am. However, it finally makes sense...

When you go to your bio/profile page, there are listings like "mateys" and "Crew Member of". Apparently, in addition to being Hermione Granger's birthday, September 19 is "Talk Like a Pirate Day" - at least according to cincoflex, and the lj staff are having a laugh at our expense.

So, tankards of rum all around.... Enjoy your day, mateys.



ETA: recommended post by cleolinda. here.
Why? Because...

Some luckless dog lost his yardarm, went and plundered a new one, and now's lost that one, too. Or, as the lubbers marked it, "First penis transplant reversed after two weeks." Arrrrrrrrrrrr. That be... that be unfortunate.

... and more, including a link to find your pirate name.

My pirate name:

So, I was feeling lonely and a little nostalgic. I decided to look up my best friend from high school and see what he was up to. Things ended on a strained note between us, a long time ago, but I was curious. My husband raves about myspace, so I thought I'd start there (I hate it, btw), but I didn't have much luck.

So I decided to google his last name (I didn't include his first, because it could be Jim or James). Well, I found him - on the America's Most Wanted website. It's really him. He's already been captured, so, you know, whatever... but... lmao.

This was my best friend for several years. This is so not how I remember him - any more than I probably am to him - but I find it hard to reconcile the description of his crime with the boy I knew.... It is too weird. I just had to tell everyone about it.

ETA: Not so funny, anymore. He wasn't captured. He shot himself in the head, and died, when the police were closing in on him.

The d&c was unnecessary. I woke up today miscarrying. I went to the ER after I passed the sac, and the OB on call (my previous OB) confirmed that it was a complete miscarriage. I am very sad this pregnancy is over, but it was a bit of a relief.

I met with the Ob today. He's in the same practice as my old one, but I like him a lot better. (I am slightly less impressed with his nurse, though - the old one was great).

We talked over my options, and I have schedueled a D/C for Wednesday. We didn't really bother redoing my tests, once he explained my ultrasound results. There was no heartbeat, and only about a weeks worth of growth since the last ultrasound, which was a month ago. It's... *shrugs*

I've come to accept it, and chose the d/c this time, instead of waiting on mother nature as I did last time. Last time, it only took like a week or two for me to miscarry and then a little over a week of heavy bleeding. This time it has already been a month, and I am only spotting. Also, I don't know how to describe the feeling of walking around with your child inside of you, knowing that it is not growing or thriving, but is, in fact, dead. It's a tough burden, and I am ready for this to be over.

Apparently, I have some health issues to resolve, and the dr is adament about me being on birth control for a while. He thinks there is a problem with my blood sugar control and my blood pressure was slightly high on Saturday, which I had attributed to stress, and even higher today. He is concerned.

I am still thinking over what to do next, but right now, my plan is to get healthy and employed. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards.

I'm eleven weeks pregnant today, except that I'm not. I went into the ER tonight. It was trivial, really. I haven't been feeling well, been crampy, and today I had a lot of discharge with some blood in it, so DH wanted me to go in, and I didn't argue too hard.

My HCG is still high, but not as high as it would be for 11 weeks. The baby is measuring 7-8 weeks, and there was no fetal heart tones. It is unlikely that this is just a case of mistaken dates with that large of a margin, especially since four weeks ago, I had a six week fetus with heart beat.

I have to call on Monday for a follow-up appointment with an OB, where they may repeat the u/s, but it looks like this is the end.

It's just like last time - my increased "morning sickness" was really a sign that my pregnancy was failing, not thriving, that small percent that you hear of losing the baby after a heart beat is detected - once again, that's me. I'm 0-4 and really not happy about it. I don't know how to do this again. I don't know how to keep doing it. I don't want to give up my dream, but I guess it's really not meant to be.

I haven't called my family, yet, and to be honest, I am really not ready to. I'm so tired.

I got a call today, asking me to come in for an interview at the local hospital for a couple of PRN positions. I am thrilled. I put the application in a couple of months ago - before I was pregnant - but had given up on hearing from them. I don't really have any recent work experience, and my work history doesn't look the best because of it.

However, I really want to get on at the hospital, and while this will be something new (not exactly what I applied for, but a good position), and it is a part-time/PRN position, so I don't have to worry about being overwhelmed with my health issues. Also, I have 6-6.5 months until the baby is due, and if the position is just a couple of days a week, my husband can watch the rugrat, if I wanted to continue working.

I really need this - emotionally and finacially. My husband is working for a temp agency, and while he may have gotten a new long-term position today (we'll see), he only worked one day, each of the last two or three weeks. We are having a really tough time. On top of that, the place where we live is absolutely awful, and I have no desire to bring a baby into this environment. I want to be in a new apartment before the baby is born, so I need to find the money to move, place deposits, pay higher rent, etc.

So if you guys could say a prayer, light a candle, and/or just send some positive energy my way, I would really appreciate it.

I hate it, hate it, hate it.

Ok, so I have been unwilling to admit that I have morning sickness, because, really it has been pretty mild to date. I have periods (ok almost constant) of nausea, and tons of food adversions, but nothing too overwhelming. I have only thrown up a few times, and then only small amounts.

That changed yesterday. It started out as heartburn in the mid-afternoon, which I blamed on a spicy piece of chicken that I had for breakfast. I took some tums, and was ok for a little while. However, as the day progressed, so did the heartburn, and with it, the nausea. My stomach was one completely acidy mess. Finally, I lost. I ran for the bathroom, and threw up for like ten or fifteen continuous minutes, but all it seemed to be was this acidy stuff, that burned my throat and was not dissimiliar to dry heaves, with a tiny bit of orange juice and water mixed in. (Sorry if that's too graphic.)

Despite the fact that I haven't thrown up since then, the feeling as never really gone away, even now. A couple of times, I even went and sat on the floor in frront of the toilet, just in case, because it felt like I would vomit. Worse than the nausea, is this burning sensation that really hurts, and nothing seems to touch, not tums, not pepto-bismal, not eating, and that is what is making me nauseaus, so traditional remedies are out. ugh.

I thought this was supposed to start getting better about now, not worse....

::pouts:: I don't feel good.

Well, I guess the pain the other day was a good thing. The consensus was that it was probably round ligament pain, ie. my uterus growing and stretching. I qam inclined to believe it, since the pain stopped the next day, mostly, and that night I noticed a change in my "bump."

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned that if I pushed on my abdomen, just above me pubic bone, that it felt hard. Well, now I can feel that same hardness from the side - a little bulge about the width of my fist and sticking out about half an inch or so. I am taking it as a good sign. If I am growing, then as far as I can tell, so is the baby. So yeah - me.

As I mentioned in my last post, this is the farthest along that I have been in any of my pregnancies, including the time that I waited to miscarry in 2004. I am more than one-quarter of the way through my pregnancy. March seems both so close and so far away, with less than seven months to go until my due date.

Speaking of growing, I forgot to mention in my post last week, but I had to start wearing maternity/nursing bras again. I had one from my last pregnancy, and went and bought another at Wal-Mart (the biggest size they had [42DD]... ugh). However, the strangest thing happened; I went to Deal$ (a Dollar Tree kind of store) and they had nursing bras there, of all things - and get this - the only size they had was mine (my non-pregnancy size, 40D). I bought three of them ($1 each) and they are more comfortable (and more flexible) than the one I bought at Wal-Mart for quite a bit more. On top of that, they are the adjustable kind (D-DD-F), and the band is also more adjustable (I have it on the smallest hooks right now) so I will still be able to wear this for quitre some time, even if I get huge when my milk eventually comes in. Talk about a major deal - and made just for me :)

So big boobs, a growing belly, and a still pregnant me... I am continuously in awe of the fact that there is another person growing inside of me - not just a son or a daughter, but a whole other person... growing... inside... of me. It is absolutely mind-boggling.

Today, I will be 9weeks 5 days, and that's the longest I've ever been pregnant, though I still worry about the possibility of miscarriage. This is a bit of a milestone though, and one I have been waiting for. Today also marks 7 months exactly until my due date.

However, all day yesterday (Wednesday), I hurt - down in my lower abdomen and cervix. It's a really achy, burning kind of muscle pain, and my cervix really is sore, but it's generally sensitive. It's pretty painful, especially if I sit up for a while. I am trying to take it easy, but it's really uncomfortable.

It's not a severe/sharp pain, but more like really bad menstrual cramp type of pain, with a slight burn in the muscles, and not that long ago, it started spreading all the way up to my navel. I asked some of my friends about it on the board I hang out at and the general consensus is that it maybe a growth spurt kind of thing - the round ligaments growing and stretching with the baby. I just know that it's very uncomfortable, and I want to stop worrying about this baby.

I also feel icky with nausea and heartburn.... I want to feel better - I've got to clean my house, it's getting filthy. Though, hey, it should go without saying, that I will put up with this for 7 more months, if it means a healthy baby in the end... excuse me while I go take some more tums.

I feel icky - not sick, so much, though I am, kind of. My sugar's have been in the low-normal range. I had to have the waitress bring me some orange juice last night at Barnhill's because I had waited to eat, and was shaking really bad, though my sugar was only in the low eighties, I start having hypoglycemic symptoms when it is.

My blood sugars have all been well, recently, but food is an issue. I am being extremely picky. Mealtimes are hell. I don't want anything, or we don't have a huge selection in the house... Salads with oil and vinegar dressing, and soups. If I wasn't pregnant, it would be a great diet. Right now, it is just a chore. I am either starving or stuffed. I hate food - hate it, hate it, hate it.

Ooh, I also like goldfish (the crackers) I bought two bags a few weeks ago - one of pretzels and one of whole grain cheddar, and they make good snacks here and there. I'm not overdoing it - I still have some of both.

I guess this post is mostly about food. I don't really have much to talk about. I'm pregnant, but it's pretty early, and who knows what's going on in there, since I am not vomiting on a regular basis or anything. *shrug*

I am working on my baby quilt though. It's a cross-stitch pattern with teddy bears and moons, with "I see the moon. The moon sees me. God Bless the moon. God Bless me." I really like it, and it's coming along.

I also have a crochet baby blanket around here somewhere that I should be working on. It's really funny; my husband teases me because this thing is huge. Forget a baby, this will cover a twin size bed when I am done. lol. I may start a different one, but I am determined to finish this one.

I need more crafts, interesting things to do, and puzzle books. I love logic problems. I've gone through three books of puzzles since I got pregnant.

I also got my registries mostly straightened out. I know it's early, but I like to plan for things. I also have to figure out how much money we are going to need for stuff. It is highly, highly unlikely that I will have a shower or anything, so they are mostly for my benefit anyway. I have three of them - Wal-Mart, Target, and Babies R Us. Maybe that's excessive, but there isn't too much on each one, and I like to shop around. Besides, I figured if anyone did want to buy anything, they could choose whichever was more convenient for them (or my amazon wishlist, to keep me occupied until the baby comes).

The end for now.... *yawn* (still so tired, too.)

Well, this week was largely uneventful, though I did have some symptoms. I am exhausted and having trouble with insomnia again. I have also taken to taking an antacid each night before bed, because my heartburn has started to recur. (Ow, Ow, Ow - and two right now.... that hurts.)

I also had some sort of stomach bug this week. Let's just say that neither end of my gastro-intestinal track was happy and leave it at that. I have also sworn off of greasy/fried foods.... uuggh. My current favorite meal is the Simply Chicken from IHOP. It's a low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie meal consisting of (steamed?) broccoli, a pan-fried/grilled boneless skinless chicken breast, and a tossed salad with oil and vinegar dressing.... yummy. I bought salad fixings and vinegar last night at Wal-Mart.

I am on a definite "fresh" food kick - though I did ask for old-fashioned, orange powder, mac n cheese today.... it wasn't too bad (too much butter - not liking greasy, as I said) and then there was the aforementioned heart burn that almost made me regret it.

I also had what Leland is calling my first official craving this week. I made him take me to Sonic for a Creamslush (a soft-serve/icee combination that was lovely). I think I have had more food aversions than actual cravings. My grandmother used to tease me that I ate so weird that if I ever got pregnant that I might eat "normal." Leland says she is right. The biggest loss - spicy foods. Normally, I love them; right now, can't stand the idea. Weird.

My pelvic area still hurts from time to time, and I am looking forward to the second trimester when the baby moves up a bit. I have found is that at least a small part of my problem is that I sit on my tailbone, with my pelvis tucked under, and there just isn't much room in there. I have been trying to lay down/stretch out when the pain gets too bad, but it is easing off. I was looking back over my livejournal yesterday, and I noticed that I had the same kind of pain last time, around this point, so maybe it is just normal for me and pregnancy.

That's it for now. Kind of a long post considering I didn't think I had anything to add. I do think I am reconciling myself to being pregnant, and I hope that I don't have cause to regret it.

Well, last week it was spotting (twice), this week it was pain - and this time, bad enough to prompt my husband into bullying me into going to the ER.

I've had some pain on and off, throughout, as I have chronic pelvic pain from my PCOS, but last night, my lower back started to hurt, and this afternoon, there were really sharp pains in/near my left ovary. We were worried about a possible ectopic, or large cyst.

According to the dr, I have a healthy intrauterine pregnancy, and most likely a UTI, which is treatable.

The baby (fetal pole) was a bit small, measuring about a week behind my dates (6w0d +/-3d) - even though I am pretty sure about the date of conception, and the heartrate was 106, which I am not too crazy about (my last pregnancy had a small sac and a 109 heartrate), but it is early, and everything looks kind of reassuring at this point, which does help me feel a little better.

Hopefully, everything will continue on from here. I'll do my weekly progress post tomorrow.

Not much going on here. I'll do a more comprehensive update tomorrow, but basically, I don't really feel pregnant right now. It's this strange limbo in the first trimester. The time is crawling by; I don't really have any symptoms that couldn't be easily explained away.

So, I found this cute little countdown graphic, to help me keep track of the time until the baby is due... except LJ doesn't like the html code, so you'll have to go here to see it.

I noticed today, after I was cleaning the fridge, that my belly was rock hard, just above my pubic bone. I guess that's the top of my uterus. I can't feel it as much when I am laying down, but there is no mistaking it when I am standing. I even had Leland feel it.

My shorts/pants started to get a little snug earlier this week. It's not weight gain, as I said, I've only gained just over half a pound. Since I was a size 16 or so pre-pregnancy, I though that it would take me longer to notice any difference for the "padding."

Hopefully, it's a sign that everything is going as it should and the rugrat is healthy and snug in his/her home for the next 7 and a half months.

This was an up and down week. Leland got hurt on Monday, I spotted a little on Tuesday and more on Friday. I also had some pain in/near my left ovary on Friday. However, I would say that I am doing ok overall.

It's still early and the last week has seemed to take forever, but at the same time, I am almost half way through my first trimester. I am sure that it will seem to fly by later, when the baby is due, or when he/she is here, but right now, March seems so very far away.

Health Status:
My Hemoglobin was 13.1, so that means I am not anemic. My prenatal vitamins seem to be doing their job.

My current weight: 219.2 lbs. (5' 7")
Total Weight Gain to Date: .6 lbs

I thought yesterday was a bad day. Leland and I ended up spending eight and a half hours in the emergency room because he hurt his back somehow. He lost his assignment at Staffmark because of it. He is out of work again, but hopefully, he will be able to get another assignment next week.

However, when I woke up today, I noticed that I was spotting a little. It just ruined my day.

5 days... that's how long it's been since I found out I was pregnant. I was so sure that maybe this time things would work out, and I would finally have my baby. I'm not a happy woman right now.

I know things aren't necessarily over, yet, but this is the same thing that I went through last time. Weeks of spotting and cramping and waiting for the inevitible.

Damn it...

We went over to Mike and Monique's and grilled tonight. I had a really nice time, and we watched a movie and hung out. We brought a cake from Wal-mart that we had Congrats! written in pink and blue letters, and we told them that I was pregnant. We are still giddy about our news.

I also took my hamster up to Petco to be adopted. It's too much for me to clean the cage and care for it now. The smell was mking me sick.

Speaking of smells, today when we walked into Mike and Moniques the place smelled like boiled eggs, and I had to turn around and walk back out. They had boiled eggs for the salad and the smell was overwhelming, it made me nausous. If morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy, I guess I am off to a good start.

I also bought some progesterone cream to try since I can't go to the doctor yet, and can't afford the suppositories this time around. I hope that it will help to keep me from miscarrying again. I don't think I will though. It just feels right this time. Leland keeps saying third time is a charm. I hope so.

Today, I passed the five week mark, there are no real symptoms yet, but I feel exhausted. I also get some heartburn, if my stomach is empty for two long, and some occasional nausea that could be stress.

I am trying to quit smoking, which is harder this time around than any other time. I had one today, but hope to quickly change that to none at all.

I added a couple of new pics to my website, one each of me and my husband. I'm not crazy about how I look, but it's there.