Beautifully Irrational

Funny thing happened on my way to posting in my journal... I turned off an episode of Supernatural to come and post, only to see at the top of my journal, "The Story So Far..." It makes me giggle, because I inadvertently ganked that from Supernatural, and ironically the moment I fell in love with / realized I was in love with the show... [[[The end of the first season, with the flashback vid set to 'Carry On My Wayward Son' - and still always my favorite part of the season]]] And now that I realize I did it, I'm still keeping it :)

You know pregnancy changes a lot of things in your life, but did you know it changes your taste buds too? [[Disclaimer: NO, that is not an announcement]] I am currently devouring my third mint - chocolate - cone - pop - drumstick - thingy since Thursday night. They are so friggen, deliciously awesome. However, I hate mint - with a passion. I have used kid's bubblegum, fruity toothpastes, or vanilla, or my current a weird orange Scope kind of toothpaste for as long as I remember, because I so gag at the idea of mint. However, since my last pregnancy I have had a weird soft spot for mint chocolate chip ice cream with its Andes candies flavor. Mmmm, yummm. How weird is that? Especially since I was last pregnant in the fall of 2006, and the craving persists. ***shrugs***

On a TTC note, I have been charting again, but it has mostly been diheartening. DH has not been very cooperative in doing his part, due to performance issues, weight gain that has made him out of shape, and worsening depression, but I can't get on him too bad about not stepping up when the opportunity arises (so to speak) because my charting is only telling me how cooperative my own body is not....

I'll have a few days of EWCM, followed by a temp spike that the next day (or a few hours later) drops completely away again. It's like my body keeps gearing up to ovulate, harder and harder each week, but can't make it over the hurdle. It's very, very frustrating.

I'll be 35 in a couple of months, and I know that women conceive older than that, I can't help but feel that my window of opportunity is closing. My ten year anniversary is this year. We have only ever used birth control in passing (some condoms in the beginning before we married, a month or two of birth control pills here and there as I have needed them to reset my cycles, etc. We did the whole clomid thing, only to find that I was resistant to it. While I may be able to get it covered, my problem isn't one of the ones listed for our insurance to cover IVF, and what if we did go through all of that only to miscarry again. Tha would suck majorly.

I'm thinking of adoption again, but really, I don't know if I am up to that kind of heartbreak again either, nor can we currently afford it.

I don't know - this turned out to be a lot more depressing than I thought it would be.

My jobs not going so bad three months in, though it has its days. It think about blogging about it, I just don't want to talk about it when I get home most of the time. Money's tight, but we are working on it, and settling into our new home. I'm trying to plan for grad school as soon as I finish paying off the $3500 I owe on my bachelor's degree.

Keebler's "Wheatables" Nut Crisp (Roasted Almond) crackers are surprisingly good. 16 crackers have 19 net carbs, and 3g protein, 6g fat, but they do taste good.

I'm a raving hormonal b#tch, but my tits look nice.

(Translation: My breasts and belly are sore and swollen, and AF has not get arrived to put me out of my misery.)

Despite my misgivings, the stick has been duly peed on, and the chronic single line has appeared. So, I am in limbo - not pregnant, but not yet menstrual and moving on.

The good news, is that despite my recent laissez-faire (spurred on by premenstrual depression), I am starting to see the effects of my "diet". I say diet in the loosest terms, because I'm not counting calories by any means, though I am watching carbs. I am also walking home from the hospital each day,k and sometimes also to the college (about 2 miles). I am starting to see the muscles in my legs become more defined again, and I finally noticed the other day that some of my fat belly has gone AWOL.

My breasts are a bit smaller, but apparently premenstrual swelling does wonders for them. DH apparently agrees because he gave me a sheer white top to put on when we went out to Wal-Mart. I wore it of course, because I'm trashy like that - and it's the little things (or not so little as the case may be) that we have to hold on to when infertility once again kicks us in the ass (or the cramping lower abdomen).



That is all.

///We are considering moving on to a last ditch attempt with injectibles next year, depending on my employment situation.///

The two week wait of obsession and dread - Am I pregnant? Is it too soon to test? What about implantation bleeding? Go to any fertility/ttc support board and you will find millions of questions like this from newbies and veterans who should know better.

My boobs are sore; I know because I've been mashing on them all day, and they weren't sore yesterday, so it must be a sign. My mucus turned flourescent pink; does this mean I'm going to have a girl?

Ok, so I am not exactly innocent of the charges. In fact, last May, I purposely recorded every single one of my crazy 'symptoms' to catalog exactly what I was feeling when I wasn't pregnant, to remind myself of the crazy making. I think it's because for those two blissful weeks of hell, it's the ultimate balancing act of the ttc experience. You're not pregnant - but, you could be.

It's this weird psychosis (that I have) I think... if I test and it's negative then I'll feel really stupid and then AF will show up. If I don't test, I'm like a pregnant version of Schrodinger's cat. lalala - not pregnant, not pregnant... ooops, really!!! AF still hasn't shown.... hmm. Meanwhile I read all about pregnancy and pretend to make a registry that I'll never need and generally do wacky things until AF puts me out of my misery.

It's not over until the witch shows, every assures you, and you long to believe it. Sometimes your denial progresses even further, 'oh, but so and so still got her period and was 3 months pregnant!!1111!1' so it could still be possible!

There is so much potential that it is hard not to get caught up in it - if you don't look, if you don't know the truth, Schrodinger's cat is both alive and dead at the same time, and as such is really neither. If I don't test (and even if I do), I don't know, and so I can imagine that I am, that I might be pregnant, even as I know that I'm not.

Hey, bet all those people who think getting pregnant isn't rocket science wouldn't believe that it's quantum physics instead.

I've been thinking a lot about infertility again lately. It is a constant companion, but one that only comes to the forefront of my mind in each passing month, yet grips my full attention every so often. I've done pretty well lately - other than a brief bought of obsession around Mother's Day (incidently the only other time in the last year that I've ovulated) - despite collegues who are pregnant and one who recently suffered a loss.

But, when I am got in its grip, it seems to take over everything, and each time it is like dealing with the inherent loss all over again. It's almost as if I have to go through the stages of grief all over again, every time. Not like losing an actual child, or even like my miscarriages, it is more like I hav allowed myself to once again be caught up in the potential, the wishing and hoping, and the 'just maybe', and now have to come to terms with that loss. It is in a way never ending, even if you become a veteran of such skirmishes.

It's the denial that gets us in trouble. Anger is a near constant companion. Acceptance, when we get there is hard won, and sometimes fleeting, but it's that bargaining that always gets me.

My fairy godmother will come down and grant me a perfectly happy, healthy, beautiful baby (or two or three) and while she's at it, I want to glow with personal beauty, not really gain any weight, to actually end up so perfect that I am more physically fit at the end of my pregnancy than the beginning of it. If she also wants to throw in some money to get us a beautiful house and to care for our beautiful baby/babies all the better, because of course, pregnancy will make everything all better.

*snorts*

You think after so many years, I wouldn't believe in fairy tales any more - and yet, it's the only thing I have to cling to - you know, not having an actual baby. Which is all really rather pathetic of me, considering I am finally taking care of myself, getting ready to graduate with a degree and possible employment in a field I absolutely love, and life is going pretty damn well, if I let it. And yet, I am being maudlin and obsessive, as if I received my diagnosis last week instead of 16 years ago. wtf?

My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

It's been a weird few years since my last miscarriage. I have pretty much come to terms with it all, and have accepted that it's probably never going to happen. I can't say that I have been TTC, because I hardly ever chart and our sex life is mostly non-existant at this point, but there are weird times, when out of the blue, obsession strikes again.

Last month, I was hoping that I might be pregnant, allow I was 83% sure that I wasn't. This month is different. Maybe, because yesterday was Mother's Day. I ovulated this weekend. Friday, I convinced DH to spend a little time together. I'm not charting, so I don't know my temps, and can't guarantee that I even ovulated. I know that if I am "pregnant" implantation has not occurred. So, why do I "feel" pregnant? Why do I strangely feel like this might be it?

This weekend, we cleaned out a ton of our baby stuff and let it go, selling it off as a lot to DH's aunt for her kid's resale shot. I am perfectly ok with that. Even a bit relieved.

I went back to school a year after my last miscarriage (something it would have been near impossible to do with a baby) and am happily haeding toward graduation and a career and possibly grad school.

I am moving on with my life, not stressing about not having a baby. I do hope that it might mythically be possible, and I do want one, but am not as heartbroken most of the time that I've moved beyond that stage. I am about to be 34 in three weeks, and think I have let this go.

And yet, I am dreaming. Or more importantly -- not. You see, I dream of babies all of the time. Me getting pregnant, me having a baby. I do a lot of lucid dreaming, and my dreams are often self-insertion fantasies that resemble harlequin novels (lol don't judge me). The only time I have ever been unable to do this was during my pregnacies (and it was the one thing that always changed even before I knew I miscarried). This weekend, I stopped dreaming again. I have also had heartburn every time I get hungry the last few days, which only happens when I am pregant - except it's too early to be pregnant (like 3 weeks too early to be having symptoms, if I am), so why is my damn mind playing tricks on me, and how do I cope with it?

Someone posted over at IDOB about how it can be like a slap in the face sometimes to see women that you have rooted for and struggled together with TTC approaching the end of their pregnancy and/or giving birth.

It can be really hard sometimes. I actually read a lot of the due date buddy boards at the beginning of each month (until the next cycle gets started) and read and sometimes comment in general pregnancy.

Occasionally, I will see a post from someone that I saw get their BFP and they will be significamtly along in their pregnancy and it will shock the heck out of me that so much time has passed.

I'm still here, and still waiting, and it sucks.

I wish everyone the best, but I would like my turn, too.

AF is due tomorrow. My temp actually went up this am, .2 above my highest to date. My temps have been a little weird this month.

I did take a test last night at DH's urging, even though I am only 11dpo. It was negative - I'm not really surprised. It has been a strange few days, though. I am having early pg symptoms - granted they all could have multiple explanations, and likely do mean something else.

Even if AF doesn't show tomorrow, I will have to give her a few days leeway because I have a short LP. FF has me testing tomorrow, but I will probably hold out til Wednesday at least.

... but I think this is going to be my last month actively TTC. I'm not going back to the dr, no more clomid (that doesn't work and just screws me up). I am going to work on losing some weight, getting into a little better shape, fixing up my house, maybe write a book.

I don't know why this is the deadline I set for myself, but I've felt it coming on for a bit. Maybe it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage... maybe it's just time.

I'll probably still hang out here, but I need to stop my baby obsession.

I may or may not chart, but I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe we'll have another surprose... maybe not.

It feels good. That's not to say that I'm not hoping for a BFP this month, but if it doesn't come, I am ready to move on.

I want to thank all of you who have helped support me this past year. You have all meant a lot to me, and I wish you guys luck on your ttc journey.

... of the cycle from hell.

( TMI Alert )

When I was growing up, the Serenity Prayer was one of my favorite things... it's running through my head this morning... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

On a related note, I did notice that my tempature is lower on days when I have the heat on in the bedroom and higher when it is not. However, the 97.7, 97.8, 97.9 temps of the weekend are typical of my post-O shift. The fallback rise is even pretty normal for me, but I still wouldn't put money on whether I O'd or when.

The clomid is really not working for me. I am on CD21 and still no O again this month. I am upset. My gyn is supportive, but really not what I need. I don't think there is an RE nearby, and most likely not in-network for my insurance. It is so frustrating.

Well, looks like I am out of it already this month. I'm only on CD17, but I have enough experience to know that this cycle was a bust.... I didn't O, even with the clomid. I'll go in Friday for my progesterone test, to be sure, but I'm not starting the suppositories today like I was supposed to.

It will still be a long wait before I can try again. Even if the test from Friday proves I didn't ovulate, I will have to wait another two weeks before they consider provera to bring on my cycle.

That happened in my Oct-Dec cycle, but because we were planning the adoption and stuff, I ended up not taking it, and letting AF eventually come on her own.

I think I might do that this time too. I REALLY want a baby, and REALLY want to be PG right now, but I am stressed with the TTC stuff.

I don't just take clomid a couple of days a month - I am taking meds or testing or something once or twice a day, for just about every day of my cycle. If you thought charting was bad for promoting obsession with your body... I don't ever get to not think about it.

I think I need a break. DH has been saying so, too. I don't know if I am ready for another treatment cycle right now, but I guess I'll have time to think about it and whether I need a longer break.

I thinking I am in one of those mourning phases again, where I am about to accept this and move on...

Except, that's where I was last year this time, and then I got pregnant. My only problem with that scenario, is that because of my irregular cycles, I was 6 weeks pg before I figured it out last time - and shortly thereafter, I started having problems. They also say that progesterone suppliments are only helpful if you start taking them right after O and by 6 weeks or so, it is too late. That could mean that I end up in the same position all over again.

Dammit, why can't I just have a baby already.

I feel like my life is on hold, held hostage by my fertility. I am in some sort of weird limbo waiting to find out if my period will come or not. Everything seems to be all about whether or not I am pregnant right now, and I can't get it out of my mind. Ididn't waste any money on HPT on Monday - but mostly because I am terrified of getting another Big Fat Negative.

This is so not healthy.... you know, I would almost be ok with not being pregnant, if I knew for sure, ie. my period would come and I would move on to a new cycle, and not be in this limbo.

Symptom update: 1)I was so not hungry today. If increased appetite is a sign, I'm all of the way at the other end.
2)Lelend put on a horror movie while we ate dinner, and I got so nauseous. I still feel sick. Normally, nothing phases me. If I'm not pregnant, I have some sort of flu.

This is a page for family and friends of women dealing with infertility. I urge you to read it.

A Guide to Give To Family and Friends

I'm kind of sad today. Earlier this year, I was expecting my first child. He was due today. He didn't make it. I am currently waiting, once again, to find out if I am now carrying one who will be my "first." ... but it's not the same.

It's been really hard on me emotionally. I imagine that it always will be. For one thing, I am no longer as naive as I was before my loss. I don't think that there will be any day during my next pregnancy where I will ever feel "safe" - not until I hold my, hopefully, healthy child in my arms - and that will just bring a new set of worries. So much can go wrong....

I know that a lot of things go right too - and that is my fondest wish...

I really want to have a baby. I want to be a mom. Today is a really hard day to just be me.

RELATIONSHIPS
DD = Dear Daughter, Darling Daughter
DH = Dear Husband, Darling Husband
DP = Dear Partner, Darling Partner
DS = Dear Son, Darling Son
DW = Dear Wife, Darling Wife
MIL = Mother In-law (also FIL, SIL, BIL for the others)
SO = Significant Other

GENERAL INTERNET ABBREVIATIONS
AMAP = As Much As Possible
AFAIK = As Far As I Know
ASAP = As Soon As Possible
BBL = Be Back Later
BBW = Big Beautiful Women
BTW = By The Way
FAQ = Frequently Asked Question(s)
FWIW = For What It's Worth
HTH = Hope This Helps
IIRC = If I Recall/Remember Correctly
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion, In My Honest Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IRC = Internet Relay Chat
LMK = Let Me Know
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
OT = Off Topic
OTOH = On The Other Hand
PITA = Pain In The Ass
POV = Point Of View
ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
ROTFLOL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My A** Off
TIA = Thanks In Advance
TTFN = Ta Ta For Now
TTYS = Talk To You Soon
WB = Welcome Back
YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary

FERTILITY SPECIFIC ABBREVIATIONS
2WW = 2-Week Wait
47XXY = Klinefelter's Syndrome

ACA = Anti-cardiolipin Antibodies
ACTH = Adrenal Corticotropic Hormone
AF = Aunt Flo (menstruation)
AH, AZH = Assisted Hatching
AHI = At-home Insemination
AI = Artificial Insemination
AIH = Artificial Insemination from Husband
ANA = Anti-nuclear Antibodies
AO = Anovulation
AOA, AVA = Anti-ovarian Antibody
APA = Anti-phospholipid Antibodies
APTT = Activated Partial Thromboplastin Time
ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology
ASA = Anti-sperm Antibody
ASRM = American Society of Reproductive Medicine
ATA = Anti-thyroid Antibody

BA = Baby Aspirin
BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BD = Baby Dancing (sex)
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BG = Blood Glucose
BMS = Baby-making Sex
BSE = Breast Self-Exam
BT = Balanced Translocation
BW, b/w = Bloodwork

C# = Cycle Number
CAH = Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia
CASA = Computer-assisted Semen Analysis
CB = Cycle Buddy
CBAVD = Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas Deferens
CCCT, CCT = Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (Clomid Challenge Test)
CD = Cycle Day
CD56+ = Natural Killer Cells
CF = Cervical Fluid
CM = Cervical Mucus
CMV = Cytomegalovirus
CNM = Certified Nurse Midwife
COH = Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation
CP = Cervical Position
CPFM = ClearPlan Fertility Monitor
CVS = Chorionic Villae Sampling

D&C = Dilation & Curettage
D&E = Dilation & Evacuation
DE = Donor Eggs
DES = Diethylstilbestrol (a synthetic estrogen)
DHEAS = Dihydroepiandrosterone Sulfate
DI = Donor Insemination
DIPI = Direct Intra-peritoneal Insemination
DOR = Diminished Ovarian Reserve
DOST = Direct Oocyte-Sperm Transfer
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 3-Day Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 5-Day Transfer
Dx = Diagnosis

E2 = Estradiol
EB, EMB = Endometrial Biopsy
EDC = Estimated Date of Confinement (Due Date)
EDD = Estimated Due Date
ENDO = Endometriosis
EPO = Evening Primrose Oil
EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
ET = Embryo Transfer
ETF = Embryo Toxic Factor
ETA = Embryo Toxicity Assay
EW, EWCM = Eggwhite Cervical Mucus

FBG = Fasting Blood Glucose
FI = Fasting Insulin
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
FF = Fertility Friend
FHR = Fetal Heart Rate
FP = Follicular Phase
FM = Fertile Mucus or Fertility Monitor
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
FUR = False Unicorn Root

GD = Gestational Diabetes
GI = Gastrointestinal
GIFT = Gamete Intra-fallopian Transfer
GnRH = Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone
GP = General Practitioner
GTT = Glucose Tolerance Test

HbA1c = Glycosylated Hemoglobin (also called Glycohemoglobin)
hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HCP = Health Care Practitioner
HEPA = Hamster Egg Penetration Assay
hMG, HMG = Human Menopausal Gonadotropin
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HRT = Hormone Replacement Therapy
HSC = Hysteroscopy
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram

IBT = Immunobead Binding Test
ICI = Intra-cervical Insemination
ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IF = Infertility
IGTT = Insulin and Glucose Tolerance Test
IM = Intra-muscular (WRT injections)
INCIID = International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination
IOR = Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IR = Insulin Resistant
ITI = Intra-tubal Insemination
IUFD = Intra-uterine Fetal Demise
IUGR = Intra-uterine Growth Retardation
IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination
IVC = Intra-vaginal Culture
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
IVIg = Intravenous Immunoglobulin

LAD = Leukocyte Antibody Detection Assay
LAP = Laparoscopy
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
LIT = Leukocyte Immunization Therapy
LMP = Last Menstrual Period (start date)
LP = Luteal Phase
LPD = Luteal Phase Defect
LSP = Low Sperm Count
LUF, LUFS = Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome


MC, m/c, misc. = Miscarriage
MESA = Microsurgical Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
MF = Male Factor
MIFT = Micro Injection Fallopian Transfer
MMR = Measles-Mumps-Rubella Vaccine
MRI = Magnetic Resonance Imaging

NEST = Non-surgical Embryonic Selective Thinning
NK = Natural Killer Cells (CD56+)
NORIF = Non-stimulated Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
NP = Nurse Practitioner
NSA = Non-surgical Sperm Aspiration

O, OV = Ovulation
OB = Obstetrician
OB/GYN = Obstetrician/Gynecologist
OC = Oral Contraceptives
OD = Ovulatory Dysfunction
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OPK Ovulation Predictor Kit
OPT = Ovulation Predictor Test
OTC = Over The Counter
OW = Overweight

P4 = Progesterone
PA = Physician's Assistant
PAI-1 = Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor-1
PANFERT = Pregnancy After Infertility (mail list)
PCAO= Polycystic Appearing Ovaries
PCO = Polycystic Ovaries
PCOD = Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PCP = Primary Care Physician
PCT = Post Coital Test
PESA = Percutaneous Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
PG = Pregnant
PGD = Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis
PI = Primary Infertility
PID = Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
PLI = Paternal Leukocyte Immunization
PMS = Pre-menstrual Syndrome
PNM = Perinatal Mortality
POC = Products of Conception
POF = Premature Ovarian Failure
PROM = Premature Rupture of Membranes
PTSD = Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
PZD = Partial Zona Dissection

RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
R-FSH, R-hFSH = Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
RI = Reproductive Immunologist
RIP = Reproductive Immunophynotype
ROS = Reactive Oxygen Species
RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
RSA = Recurrent Spontaneous Abortion
Rx = Prescription

SA = Semen Analysis
SART = Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology
s/b, S/B = Stillbirth
SCORIF = Stimulated Cycle Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
SHG, SonoHSG = Sonohysterogram
SI = Secondary Infertility
SIS = Saline Injection Sonogram
SLE = Systemic Lupus Erythematosus
SPA = Sperm Penetration Assay
STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease
SUZI = Sub-zonal Insertion

T1 = Type I Diabetic -- Juvenile Diabete
T2 = Type II Diabetic -- Insulin Resistant, Adult Onset
T4 = Thyroxine
TEBG = Testosterone-Estradiol Binding Globulin
TESA = Testicular Sperm Aspiration
TESE = Testicular Sperm Extraction
TET = Tubal Embryo Transfer
TL = Tubal Ligation
TNF = Tumor Necrosis Factor
TORCH = Toxoplasmosis, Other, Rubella, Cytomegalovirus & Herpes test
TR = Tubal Reversal
TRH = Thyroid Releasing Hormone
TSH = Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTCAR = Trying to Conceive after Reversal
TUFT = Trans-uterine Fallopian Transfer
Tx = Treatment
TZD = Thiazolidinediones

UR = Urologist
US, u/s = Ultrasound
UTI = Urinary Tract Infection

V = Vasectomy
VR = Vasectomy Reversal

WBC = White Blood Cells
WHR = Waist to Hip Ratio
WLS = Weight Loss Surgery
WNL = Within Normal Limits

ZIFT = Zygote Intra-fallopian Transfer

I've actually been doing pretty good the last few months, but this month is really bad. I have been frantic to become pregnant again (even though it took years the last time). I was trying to explain this to my husband the other day, when I realized that its probably because my due date is approaching, and it would be so much easier to accept that, if I was pregnant again, instead of feeling so.... barren.

It seems to escalate day by day.... Almost every dream that I have, every night, I am pregnant. I was walking around the infant section of wal-Mart the other day, just as if I was shopping for my baby. I'm watching all of those baby shows on tv.... the things I did when I was pregnant before, but it feels really unhealthy this time, like it has a tinge of desperation.

God, it's hard. I feel like crying again, and I haven't done that in months. I thought I was doing really good, and had healed. Now, its like going through my miscarriage all over again, but made worse by the distance from the actual event. :-(

I have a young friend who has a due date within a week of what mine was. She is having a son. I was so sure that I was too (though, it was too early to actually tell). While I was having my miscarriage, she called to tell my husband about her pregnancy. She has pretty much been a taboo subject in this house ever since.

For years, I have been determined not to be bitter or obsessed, more than anything. I have experienced other miscarriages, but they don't seem as real. This time, I went to the doctor; we heard a heartbeat; then, it was all gone.

I am getting older, too. It was one thing to be infertile at 18, a whole other to still not have a baby at almost 30.

I didn't even really realize what my problem was until I was listing my reasons to dh the other day, and I said it, then I realized that was it more than anything.

All along, I have planned to get a tattoo on or near my due date to recognize my child and motherhood, despite the miscarriage, also as a rememberance. I still plan to do this. I'm hoping that acknowledging my loss will help me move on.

I remember when I first thought I had found peace with everything, and now I am hoping for that balance again.

Welcome to my journal. Yesterday, I found out that I am just over 6 weeks pregnant. I think my due date is 24 October 2004, right near Halloween. I am so happy and so scared and in such a state of shock.

For ten years, they have been telling me that this couldn't happen, and in the last year, I had pretty much started to give up on the idea of ever being a mom. It really feels like a miracle.

I don't have much family, and what I do have ins't close geographically, so I hope to use this journal to share my progress with them and with friends online.

I don't think I've ever been so happy and so scared all at the same time.