Sep. 20th, 2004

Due Date Approaching

Sep. 20th, 2004 01:57 am
lyssac: (baby)

I've actually been doing pretty good the last few months, but this month is really bad. I have been frantic to become pregnant again (even though it took years the last time). I was trying to explain this to my husband the other day, when I realized that its probably because my due date is approaching, and it would be so much easier to accept that, if I was pregnant again, instead of feeling so.... barren.

It seems to escalate day by day.... Almost every dream that I have, every night, I am pregnant. I was walking around the infant section of wal-Mart the other day, just as if I was shopping for my baby. I'm watching all of those baby shows on tv.... the things I did when I was pregnant before, but it feels really unhealthy this time, like it has a tinge of desperation.

God, it's hard. I feel like crying again, and I haven't done that in months. I thought I was doing really good, and had healed. Now, its like going through my miscarriage all over again, but made worse by the distance from the actual event. :-(

I have a young friend who has a due date within a week of what mine was. She is having a son. I was so sure that I was too (though, it was too early to actually tell). While I was having my miscarriage, she called to tell my husband about her pregnancy. She has pretty much been a taboo subject in this house ever since.

For years, I have been determined not to be bitter or obsessed, more than anything. I have experienced other miscarriages, but they don't seem as real. This time, I went to the doctor; we heard a heartbeat; then, it was all gone.

I am getting older, too. It was one thing to be infertile at 18, a whole other to still not have a baby at almost 30.

I didn't even really realize what my problem was until I was listing my reasons to dh the other day, and I said it, then I realized that was it more than anything.

All along, I have planned to get a tattoo on or near my due date to recognize my child and motherhood, despite the miscarriage, also as a rememberance. I still plan to do this. I'm hoping that acknowledging my loss will help me move on.

I remember when I first thought I had found peace with everything, and now I am hoping for that balance again.

March 2010

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