Beautifully Irrational

I met with the Ob today. He's in the same practice as my old one, but I like him a lot better. (I am slightly less impressed with his nurse, though - the old one was great).

We talked over my options, and I have schedueled a D/C for Wednesday. We didn't really bother redoing my tests, once he explained my ultrasound results. There was no heartbeat, and only about a weeks worth of growth since the last ultrasound, which was a month ago. It's... *shrugs*

I've come to accept it, and chose the d/c this time, instead of waiting on mother nature as I did last time. Last time, it only took like a week or two for me to miscarry and then a little over a week of heavy bleeding. This time it has already been a month, and I am only spotting. Also, I don't know how to describe the feeling of walking around with your child inside of you, knowing that it is not growing or thriving, but is, in fact, dead. It's a tough burden, and I am ready for this to be over.

Apparently, I have some health issues to resolve, and the dr is adament about me being on birth control for a while. He thinks there is a problem with my blood sugar control and my blood pressure was slightly high on Saturday, which I had attributed to stress, and even higher today. He is concerned.

I am still thinking over what to do next, but right now, my plan is to get healthy and employed. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards.

I'm eleven weeks pregnant today, except that I'm not. I went into the ER tonight. It was trivial, really. I haven't been feeling well, been crampy, and today I had a lot of discharge with some blood in it, so DH wanted me to go in, and I didn't argue too hard.

My HCG is still high, but not as high as it would be for 11 weeks. The baby is measuring 7-8 weeks, and there was no fetal heart tones. It is unlikely that this is just a case of mistaken dates with that large of a margin, especially since four weeks ago, I had a six week fetus with heart beat.

I have to call on Monday for a follow-up appointment with an OB, where they may repeat the u/s, but it looks like this is the end.

It's just like last time - my increased "morning sickness" was really a sign that my pregnancy was failing, not thriving, that small percent that you hear of losing the baby after a heart beat is detected - once again, that's me. I'm 0-4 and really not happy about it. I don't know how to do this again. I don't know how to keep doing it. I don't want to give up my dream, but I guess it's really not meant to be.

I haven't called my family, yet, and to be honest, I am really not ready to. I'm so tired.

This was an up and down week. Leland got hurt on Monday, I spotted a little on Tuesday and more on Friday. I also had some pain in/near my left ovary on Friday. However, I would say that I am doing ok overall.

It's still early and the last week has seemed to take forever, but at the same time, I am almost half way through my first trimester. I am sure that it will seem to fly by later, when the baby is due, or when he/she is here, but right now, March seems so very far away.

Health Status:
My Hemoglobin was 13.1, so that means I am not anemic. My prenatal vitamins seem to be doing their job.

My current weight: 219.2 lbs. (5' 7")
Total Weight Gain to Date: .6 lbs

I thought yesterday was a bad day. Leland and I ended up spending eight and a half hours in the emergency room because he hurt his back somehow. He lost his assignment at Staffmark because of it. He is out of work again, but hopefully, he will be able to get another assignment next week.

However, when I woke up today, I noticed that I was spotting a little. It just ruined my day.

5 days... that's how long it's been since I found out I was pregnant. I was so sure that maybe this time things would work out, and I would finally have my baby. I'm not a happy woman right now.

I know things aren't necessarily over, yet, but this is the same thing that I went through last time. Weeks of spotting and cramping and waiting for the inevitible.

Damn it...