Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?

Oct. 29th, 2009 10:43 am
lyssac: (journal)

I am no longer a blonde. Apparently, this is news to no one but me.

I've always been blonde. In fact it is a weird Mendelian quirk that both of my parents had black hair and dark brown eyes, and both my brother and I had blonde hair and hazel (brown/green eyes). My paternal grandmother is to thank for the eyes. My maternal grandfather had reddish blonde hair, and the rest is a mystery.

Now, I call my hair chameleon colored really, in that it is and has been every color and none. As a child the whitest of blondes, light strawberry blondes, and "dirty" blondes all occured at some point. My hair began to change and darken slightly during my teenage years, becoming a darker blonde with nice, clear blonde highlights and red lowlights. My formerly bone straight hair also became quite curly... an experimental body wave had me looking like a poodle.

I've never really dyed my hair, or at least not more than a shade or two lighter or darker or redder, nothing that would give me obvious roots when it grew in. It was never really an issue. My hair seemed to take on whatever color was applied. A couple of years ago though, I dyed my hair a dark chesnut red (almost purpley). It looked awesome, but was much darker than my previous experiments. So maybe that's why I didn't notice.

I cut my hair last night. The curls that fell into the sink have not been chemically treated at all, and they were, by no stretch of the imagination, not blonde. They were a deep rich brown.

When did this happen and how did I not notice it?

I mean, I did notice my hair was darker lately (and for a while), but I didn't realize the extent of the change. I realized that I didn't notice, because I don't look in the mirror. I am so unhappy with the woman who looks back, that I avoid looking, and avoid really seeing when I do. It's a lot of little things... the dissonance between who I think I am and what I see. The effects of the hirsutism of my hormone issues. I don't know, but it's really sad that I am so out of touch with who I am that I didn't even realize that I wasn't blonde anymore.

I should work on that.

No Joy

Oct. 28th, 2009 10:38 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

I'm a raving hormonal b#tch, but my tits look nice.

(Translation: My breasts and belly are sore and swollen, and AF has not get arrived to put me out of my misery.)

Despite my misgivings, the stick has been duly peed on, and the chronic single line has appeared. So, I am in limbo - not pregnant, but not yet menstrual and moving on.

The good news, is that despite my recent laissez-faire (spurred on by premenstrual depression), I am starting to see the effects of my "diet". I say diet in the loosest terms, because I'm not counting calories by any means, though I am watching carbs. I am also walking home from the hospital each day,k and sometimes also to the college (about 2 miles). I am starting to see the muscles in my legs become more defined again, and I finally noticed the other day that some of my fat belly has gone AWOL.

My breasts are a bit smaller, but apparently premenstrual swelling does wonders for them. DH apparently agrees because he gave me a sheer white top to put on when we went out to Wal-Mart. I wore it of course, because I'm trashy like that - and it's the little things (or not so little as the case may be) that we have to hold on to when infertility once again kicks us in the ass (or the cramping lower abdomen).

That is all.

///We are considering moving on to a last ditch attempt with injectibles next year, depending on my employment situation.///

I Need New Skinny Jeans...

Sep. 25th, 2009 03:17 pm
lyssac: (Default)

I am having confuzed!weight issues.

My clothes are all too big for me. Good thing, right? YEAH!?

My skinny jeans, which have always been a bit stretchy (you know, really snug out of the dryer, comfortably looser by the end of the day) have entered gangsta territory (ie. barely hanging off my ass). My shirts are too big (but passible - I have a broad chest like an opera singer), My bras are too big (I've gone down a cup size due to weight loss), even my panties are now a size too big.

Great! Right? Except... I have no money for new clothes - heck, food and shelter are pretty much beyond my reach at this point, and I am just hoping the landlord holds off on the eviction notice a while longer.

Also, and the most confusing thing... I haven't lost a ton of weight. I've only lost 10-15 lbs in the last year (most of it this summer). And I haven't been that much more active (though I want to be), and yet, I feel ridiculous and self-conscious because my clothes are too big for me (yet, I still feel like a hugely obese aging whale.

I don't know, I guess that might be more pathetic things to whine about than dropping a few pounds, but I can't think of any right now.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

May. 14th, 2009 06:33 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

I swear I'm going to end up one of those crazy ladies with a hysterical pregnancy like that chick on Grey's Anatomy.

I posted over the weekend/Monday or sometime about how I was having weird pregnancy symptoms/premonitions even though I was barely past ovulation and knew it was impossible. Today my breasts are killing me. I'm only 5dpo. I'm not that crazy yet. I know it's all in my mind, but dammit.

On top of that, I had a doctor's visit today because I've been having problems with my diabetes. I told her that I wasn't "trying" but I wasn't "not trying" either. She told me not to get pregnant right now, because of my health and the stress of my current financial situation. I know all of that in my head, and really, it's been quite a while since I was this "baby crazy". I don't know where my head is at.

Exercise While Pregnant

Mar. 18th, 2004 03:26 pm
lyssac: (pregnancy)

The topic of exercise came up on one of my discussion boards today, and I figured I'd share my answer here, since it talks about my health.

I have actually been feeling better and getting more exercise since I have been pregnant. I have more fatigue, especially in the late afternoons and evenings, but I also have much more drive to do things.

I suffer from chronic migraines, but they have eased off, and I have barely had a few bad headaches since I have been pregnant.

I have always done some yoga.... (I used to do it with my paternal grandmother, when I was young) and picked it up again a few years ago with a friend who was pregnant at the time. I don't do the aerobic kind - mostly stretching, flexibility, and breathing. It is very refreshing.

I have been walking a lot more. I actually feel a lot better, if I can get out and walk and move around, but I am having to take it easy since the doctor put me on pelvic rest. I have stopped most of my walking. (I have chronic pelvic pain related to PCOS, and have been hurting/cramping since I got pregnant.... increasing blood flow to the area seemed to help.)

I am really hoping to get the all clear at my u/s next week and am going to discuss exercise with my dr. I am taking things as slow and easy as I can, but I am not one to sit still, and I feel better when I am moving.