Beautifully Irrational

Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle, posted today about why she blogs, in response to a response to a blog post about blog identity, and apparently, it is contagious, because I am continuing the trend.

I think it is human nature to want to connect, and for whatever reason, we can't always do that in our real (off-line) lives, sometimes because there are truths that we aren't necessarily ready to share with the general people who know us, but feel free to expose that part of ourselves on-line. Also, we want people to respond, to say "I understand," "I know what you mean," etc. I'm no different in that regard.

I first got on-line in 1997. The internet was a different place then, I am fond of saying, and it was, because everything was growing so exponentially and the internet bubble hadn't busted yet. There were HUGE on-line chat communities. They weren't much more advanced than current yahoo chatrooms in structure, but they were communities, in much the way journal sites like livejournal and social networking sites like facebook are now. The main one that I was part of was The Park. I actually met my husband there.

About a year and a half after that I discovered fan fiction. I love to read, to write, and to explore media, and I was able to link up with other people with similar interests. I joined mailing lists on onelist, then egroups, and eventually yahoogroups, as one company bought another. About the time yahoo started acting like the borg and gobbling up everything in sight (egroups, geocities, webrings, etc) livejournal was getting started, and people started migrating to it, and using communities in place of the mailing list. In 2003, I followed lemming-like.

It became a perfect fit for me, because the connections seemed more real, writers became people and it was easy to find new communities and forums by surfing friends of friends, and I wasn't limited to just talking about the topic at hand - as with most communities that had a strict 'no off-topic posts' policy. It helped me to open a dialogue.

However, even now there is a bit of division in my life. I still have that fandom based journal, but when I first became pregnant, I wanted a way to share my pregnancy with my grandmother who lives in California (and is my only real family) and yet, keep things separate. My fandom from my real life, for people in my real life and my real life from fandom, for those who while friendly didn't necessarily want to know the intimate details of my girl parts :)

This became even more when I decided to undergo fertility treatments and needed to vent and record my journey, and then another pregnancy and loss, and now, a way to share my stories both for my own peace of mind, but also to help provide support for other people who may be experiencing the same thing themselves.

It's all about connection.

My husband knows some of your names, because I talk about you and your troubles, and the ways that you have impacted my life. I don't always have the time or motivation to post, but even when I seem absent, I am often thinking of my blog and the things that I could be saying. My journals may be part confessional a la The Red Shoe Diaries, but it is real, and it's important; it's a part of my life that I would be hard pressed to ever let go of.

Ok, most people would think I am crazy for loving playing with slimy, smelly, germy cultires of various body fluids and excretions, but I really am enjoying it, even if today was only my second day.

I also may have a line on a job, if the lab manager isn't sick of me yet. I keep going to her and talking to her about possible positions, and have made it very clear, that I am both extremely eager and extrememly desperate. Today, Diane, the head of the bloodbank made a suggestion that I should see about a PRN position, especially as one of the other employees is about to go on maternity leave.

There is a part-time/PRN specimen processing position open and I finish my micro rotation in about 3 weeks, which is about when Christie's maternity leave starts and Micro is her main department. I have my fingers crossed, so much, because it would get my foot in the door, and I would be working full time during the Christmas break, which is the same time that DH would be laid off, due to the school being closed.

I haven't had the best of luck job-hunting, because the positions keep disappearing. I really, really hope that something comes of this, but it will be a week or so before they even visit the question. I guess that's time to get my house in order (in the figurative and literal sense.

Nothing much is happening here, which is sad, because it really should be. I guess I am just down, as I mentioned before. Graduation is just a few weeks off. I am trying very hard to find a job, and DH and I are really really feeling the stress financially.

So, in honor of this: something silly that makes me smile.

Today starts the 30 posts in 30 days blogathon, and already, I fail. Well, I did remember to post today, so, I guess that's one thing, but I can't think of what to say.

Ironically, today is also the first day of National Novel Writing Month. This is the first time since 2004 that I haven't made an attempt to participate (though, that, like everything else you see here, is subject to change.

I'm kind of depressed about my approaching graduation, which is weird. I am so behind on my homework that I'm going to fail, if I don't get my butt it gear, and yet, I can't seem to do it. I also have not paid this semester's tuition, nor, can I afford to, and we are on the very edge of getting evicted for not paying our rent. We are so broke and the job I interviewed for (that I need to graduate for) fell through. Not, that they hired someone elso... The job just went away.

*sigh* Even I don't want to be around me, I am so depressing.

In the continuing saga that is my messed up cycle this month: Yesterday am I took one of the pregnancy tests that I had from the hospital with FMU and it was negative.

However, I still have not started menstruating. My cervix has headed for parts so far north I can barely find it, and is completely closed, and for the last two days, I am wet all of the time, to the point that I think it may finally be AF, but it's just CM. It doesn't have any texture, though... not eggwhite, not stretchy, not even like arousal, just wet.

I generally have a fairly short LP (11-12 days), and I am 17dpo at this point, by my calculations; so, the only thing that I can think is that maybe I didn't ovulate after all, and I've just got the wrong end of the stick. I can't find my thermometer right now.

My body is telling me differently though.. I am PMSing. My breasts hurt all of the time, and get really bad about the same time every evening (6-11pm) to the point where, I'm grabbing them in public, until I realize what I'm doing.

I am continually crampy, painfully so, though this cycles some, too. Basically, I have all of the symptoms of early pregnancy/really, really bad PMS.

I don't know what to do/think at this point. Part of me wants this resolved, part of me thinks the BFN means that it has, part of me thinks "Good. Maybe I am pregnant, but if I don't KNOW, I can't worry about it, and one day, I'll be way past my first trimester and 'Surprise!'.

*rolls eyes* I mean, I know I'm not the sanest chick on the internets, but something has got to give here, and I'm afraid that it's going to be my sanity.

I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and cry now.

Last night, I wrote the following on the message board:

I hurt!!!! My breasts are so sore right now, and my bra is killing me. My belly is so sore and crampy and hurting and I am getting one h#ll of a headache. I can NOT wait to go home, and relax in a cold, dark room with as few clothes as possible and a couple of naproxin.

I am miserable. AF better show by the morning, or else that stick better d@mn well have two lines. This is ridiculous. I have to start a new rotation on Moday and I have a TON of stuff to do this weekend. I DON'T have time for this... (and it really hurts).

Guess, what? Still here. Still hurting. No menstruation, except in my dreams (which is kind of weird, dreaming about getting your period, in the midst of already weird dreams, dealing with tampons, etc.) Aaaannnddd, I used the last hCG test that I snagged from the hospital. One big fat pink line = NOT pregnant. No way, no how.

Look, the witch better show up quick, fast, and in a hurry, because I am 16dpo, and negative on a very sensitive test with FMU, so I am NOT PREGNANT. That makes this uncomfortableness nigh on torture and quite unnecesary. If she doesn't show up by Sunday, I'm breaking out the progesterone to show her who's boss around here.

__________________

Also, Suzy of Not a Fertile Myrtle is hosting a 30 posts in 30 days blogathon during the month of November. Who knows if I will be able to do it, or to have anything interesting to say, but I'm going to give it a shot.

I am no longer a blonde. Apparently, this is news to no one but me.

I've always been blonde. In fact it is a weird Mendelian quirk that both of my parents had black hair and dark brown eyes, and both my brother and I had blonde hair and hazel (brown/green eyes). My paternal grandmother is to thank for the eyes. My maternal grandfather had reddish blonde hair, and the rest is a mystery.

Now, I call my hair chameleon colored really, in that it is and has been every color and none. As a child the whitest of blondes, light strawberry blondes, and "dirty" blondes all occured at some point. My hair began to change and darken slightly during my teenage years, becoming a darker blonde with nice, clear blonde highlights and red lowlights. My formerly bone straight hair also became quite curly... an experimental body wave had me looking like a poodle.

I've never really dyed my hair, or at least not more than a shade or two lighter or darker or redder, nothing that would give me obvious roots when it grew in. It was never really an issue. My hair seemed to take on whatever color was applied. A couple of years ago though, I dyed my hair a dark chesnut red (almost purpley). It looked awesome, but was much darker than my previous experiments. So maybe that's why I didn't notice.

I cut my hair last night. The curls that fell into the sink have not been chemically treated at all, and they were, by no stretch of the imagination, not blonde. They were a deep rich brown.

When did this happen and how did I not notice it?

I mean, I did notice my hair was darker lately (and for a while), but I didn't realize the extent of the change. I realized that I didn't notice, because I don't look in the mirror. I am so unhappy with the woman who looks back, that I avoid looking, and avoid really seeing when I do. It's a lot of little things... the dissonance between who I think I am and what I see. The effects of the hirsutism of my hormone issues. I don't know, but it's really sad that I am so out of touch with who I am that I didn't even realize that I wasn't blonde anymore.

I should work on that.

... but I suck, so there's no telling, because my TCOYF software apparently sucks right along with me.

I've been a bad, obsessive TTC girl this cycle (as you may have noticed), spurred on by the fact that I was doing my clinical practicum in the bloodbank/serology department with all you can handle pregnancy tests, so here is my month to date.

According to my practice trying to pay attention to my body and half-assed charting (CM mostly) This is the second time I've ovulated since last November (the last being in May, when I was last similarly baby crazy). My ovulatory cycles are fairly normal 29 days, with about an 11 day LP. (Annovulatory cycles are generally ~35 days and up.)

TMI cam :: ////I had super EW mucus on the 12th, like the picture in the TCOYF book and was really wet down there the 12th and 13th. TCOYF has me ovulating as of the 14th when I became dry as a bone...////

Last Tuesday, I took my first stupid test (6dpo urine... lmao now), Wednesday, I did a blood test, Sunday (11dpo) I did another urine test. ALL BFN of course... (I'm a late positive tester anyway, so I have NO IDEA WTF I was thinking).

So, AF was due today (actually, I've been expecting it since Saturday, but TCOYF said today... Last night, I had major cramping and my usual PMS symptoms, so I expected AF to be here when I woke up.

Nada... just lots more PMS-y aching, cramping, crabbiness. JOY. So, I put that in my chart for today, and instead of kicking me one day later, like a normal late AF, TCOYF added another WEEK to my cycle, as if it were one of the annovulatory ones. Meaning, that if I did ovulate as I am 90% sure I did, TCOYF says I should now get my AF about 20dpo @#%!@#*&

And, now, of course, I won't pee on a stick. Dude - AF is coming, this is ridiculous, never mind my crazy "symptoms" that are getting worse. Hello, PMS. Besides, if it's too early to test positive, it's too early for symptoms, and that's my story, I'm sticking to it.

I mean, you have NO idea how much I want this, but at the same time, I wish AF would just show up and put me out of my misery.

Disclaimer: I told you I was crazy.

I've been thinking a lot about infertility again lately. It is a constant companion, but one that only comes to the forefront of my mind in each passing month, yet grips my full attention every so often. I've done pretty well lately - other than a brief bought of obsession around Mother's Day (incidently the only other time in the last year that I've ovulated) - despite collegues who are pregnant and one who recently suffered a loss.

But, when I am got in its grip, it seems to take over everything, and each time it is like dealing with the inherent loss all over again. It's almost as if I have to go through the stages of grief all over again, every time. Not like losing an actual child, or even like my miscarriages, it is more like I hav allowed myself to once again be caught up in the potential, the wishing and hoping, and the 'just maybe', and now have to come to terms with that loss. It is in a way never ending, even if you become a veteran of such skirmishes.

It's the denial that gets us in trouble. Anger is a near constant companion. Acceptance, when we get there is hard won, and sometimes fleeting, but it's that bargaining that always gets me.

My fairy godmother will come down and grant me a perfectly happy, healthy, beautiful baby (or two or three) and while she's at it, I want to glow with personal beauty, not really gain any weight, to actually end up so perfect that I am more physically fit at the end of my pregnancy than the beginning of it. If she also wants to throw in some money to get us a beautiful house and to care for our beautiful baby/babies all the better, because of course, pregnancy will make everything all better.

*snorts*

You think after so many years, I wouldn't believe in fairy tales any more - and yet, it's the only thing I have to cling to - you know, not having an actual baby. Which is all really rather pathetic of me, considering I am finally taking care of myself, getting ready to graduate with a degree and possible employment in a field I absolutely love, and life is going pretty damn well, if I let it. And yet, I am being maudlin and obsessive, as if I received my diagnosis last week instead of 16 years ago. wtf?

My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

It's been a weird few years since my last miscarriage. I have pretty much come to terms with it all, and have accepted that it's probably never going to happen. I can't say that I have been TTC, because I hardly ever chart and our sex life is mostly non-existant at this point, but there are weird times, when out of the blue, obsession strikes again.

Last month, I was hoping that I might be pregnant, allow I was 83% sure that I wasn't. This month is different. Maybe, because yesterday was Mother's Day. I ovulated this weekend. Friday, I convinced DH to spend a little time together. I'm not charting, so I don't know my temps, and can't guarantee that I even ovulated. I know that if I am "pregnant" implantation has not occurred. So, why do I "feel" pregnant? Why do I strangely feel like this might be it?

This weekend, we cleaned out a ton of our baby stuff and let it go, selling it off as a lot to DH's aunt for her kid's resale shot. I am perfectly ok with that. Even a bit relieved.

I went back to school a year after my last miscarriage (something it would have been near impossible to do with a baby) and am happily haeding toward graduation and a career and possibly grad school.

I am moving on with my life, not stressing about not having a baby. I do hope that it might mythically be possible, and I do want one, but am not as heartbroken most of the time that I've moved beyond that stage. I am about to be 34 in three weeks, and think I have let this go.

And yet, I am dreaming. Or more importantly -- not. You see, I dream of babies all of the time. Me getting pregnant, me having a baby. I do a lot of lucid dreaming, and my dreams are often self-insertion fantasies that resemble harlequin novels (lol don't judge me). The only time I have ever been unable to do this was during my pregnacies (and it was the one thing that always changed even before I knew I miscarried). This weekend, I stopped dreaming again. I have also had heartburn every time I get hungry the last few days, which only happens when I am pregant - except it's too early to be pregnant (like 3 weeks too early to be having symptoms, if I am), so why is my damn mind playing tricks on me, and how do I cope with it?

So, I went to the VA last Friday. I decided to bypass the ER and go straight to the Women's clinic to see if they could get me in. After sitting there and being ignored for most of an hour (they were busy), I pressed the issue and they said, that no, I should go to the ER, because they weren't able to see walk-ins, and even if they did, there was no guarantee that they would get my lab results back before the end of the day. Before I left, I did make sure to scheduele follow up appointments for the next available day (which was April 19th - 6 weeks away), which actually turned out to be pretty good foresight when it came to dealing with the ER and convincing them that I was serious about dealing with my problems.

( Cut for boring personal details )

Anyway, I am feeling better.

Wish me luck. We can't really afford it, but we are driving to Memphis today to go to the VA. My diabetes is really out of control and now I have a really bad UTI, and the symptoms are only getting worse. I am hoping that I will be able to see someone and get some antibiotics, insulin, and birth control pills. The Women's clinic is pretty deserted on Fridays though, and the ER will probably refer me down there. They'll probably try to refer me for an appointment, but Friday is the only day that my husband doesn't work, and it can take months to get an appointment through normal channels. I just hope that someone will see me today and help me. I hate going there and getting screwed around, but I have been having bad symptoms for almost a month and I can't take it any more.


On a better note, I haven't been around livejournal much this week, because I've been working on Heliopolis. The database for Helio2 is almost complete, and I have minions people working on helping me get the last bits sorted and validated. It should be ready in a couple of day. Only the main archive is left. I'm about cross-eyed from looking at code and database information.

So far, the score is (NoNoWriMo 50,000 - me 0), I have no clue where to start, and all of the wonderful ideas that I have had in the last six weeks have fled the country. I'll give it 'til the weekend until I consider it a lost cause - because, hey, I may get wonderfully inspired tonight.

Though, I think that at least part of my lack of creativity has a physical cause, and I'm not making that up as an excuse. I am exhausted. I am normally an insomniac, but I am currently sleeping for way too many hours each day. I wake up to use the bathroom, or because I am starving, possibly play on the computer a bit, and then go back to bed. I have been mostly off of my meds since my miscarriage two months ago, and I think my diabetes is wreaking havoc on my system (I recently found a bottle of metformin that I had previously filled and began taking it again, but am out of insulin). I have got to go back to the doctor. I was waiting for DH to get insurance at his new job, as they told him would happen after 30 days, but now they say that he has to wait for a slot to open up. I should make the appointment to go to Memphis, but I hate dealing with them, and they will give me sh!t for not having been able to go before now.

I also signed up for yuletide, because despite my writing drought, individual pieces are actually somewhat inspiring, where my novel is only daunting. I did a survey last night of the offers and requests to date, and found that I had the following probability of being assigned a request in the fandoms I offerred for (# of requests - mine, if I made one / total number of offers). Of course, this is subject to change, based on whether or not the figures I used are accurate, and the fact that lots more people have probably signed up since last night.

Beverly Hills 90210 - 20%
Bound - 0%
The Breakfast Club - 10.4%
Bring it On - 11.1%
Dark Angel - 28.9%
Dead Poets Society - 10%
Dogma - 3.6%
Fame (movie) - 0%
Friends - 5.9%
Heathers - 0%
Josie and the Pussycats (movie) - 12.5%
Lone Gunmen - 27.2%
Real Genius - 11.1%
Silk Stalkings - 16.7%
Space Camp - 16.7%
Top Gun - 7.1%
Toy Soldiers - 28.6%
Law and Order universe - 45% (However, I only volunteered for SVU chaacters.)

edited after sign-ups closed to reflect total requests

Totally useless, information, I'm sure, but I like numbers, and I am interested to see what I get assigned and what I can do with it. I actually like ficathons, even when I am completely lost by the prompt, I generally perform well under pressure (contrary to the evidence of NaNo hell).

I also have to work on a letter to my Yuletide author, because that seems a nice thing to do, and I get to natter on about what I like to read and such, and a girl likes to get something for Christmas. (Right now, I am sincerely hoping to save up $400 for the after Thanksgiving sale at Wal-Mart to get a new laptop computer that I most definitely need.)

I also have some work to do on the RP community that I joined - Honestly, I have been so dead for like the last six days. Sunday, I got a few chores done, winterizing the house and such, and yesterday, I dressed up, and hung out at the college while DH worked and then went to Rocky Horror and then came home and crashed, other than a brief period this am, until about two hours ago. I am not kidding about the exhaustion, bit. (It was a nice Halloween though, and DH and I won a dozen free movie passes, between us, in the costume contest.)

I don't know - I am going to keep trying to write. Maybe, I'll write 50,000 words of fic, and just have to be happy with that.

I got a call today, asking me to come in for an interview at the local hospital for a couple of PRN positions. I am thrilled. I put the application in a couple of months ago - before I was pregnant - but had given up on hearing from them. I don't really have any recent work experience, and my work history doesn't look the best because of it.

However, I really want to get on at the hospital, and while this will be something new (not exactly what I applied for, but a good position), and it is a part-time/PRN position, so I don't have to worry about being overwhelmed with my health issues. Also, I have 6-6.5 months until the baby is due, and if the position is just a couple of days a week, my husband can watch the rugrat, if I wanted to continue working.

I really need this - emotionally and finacially. My husband is working for a temp agency, and while he may have gotten a new long-term position today (we'll see), he only worked one day, each of the last two or three weeks. We are having a really tough time. On top of that, the place where we live is absolutely awful, and I have no desire to bring a baby into this environment. I want to be in a new apartment before the baby is born, so I need to find the money to move, place deposits, pay higher rent, etc.

So if you guys could say a prayer, light a candle, and/or just send some positive energy my way, I would really appreciate it.

I thought yesterday was a bad day. Leland and I ended up spending eight and a half hours in the emergency room because he hurt his back somehow. He lost his assignment at Staffmark because of it. He is out of work again, but hopefully, he will be able to get another assignment next week.

However, when I woke up today, I noticed that I was spotting a little. It just ruined my day.

5 days... that's how long it's been since I found out I was pregnant. I was so sure that maybe this time things would work out, and I would finally have my baby. I'm not a happy woman right now.

I know things aren't necessarily over, yet, but this is the same thing that I went through last time. Weeks of spotting and cramping and waiting for the inevitible.

Damn it...

I'm not pregnant. My period did come about 4 weeks ago, and I was really down. I went away for a women's retreat weekend, and it was just what I needed. I've relaxed, and am mostly taking an indefinite break.

DH says I can have all of the HPTs I want, but nothing else. I have a bunch of OPKs, but we aren't using them. No sex on demand, and I'm not really even charting (just enought to know that I haven't O'd yet this cycle - CD28). It's working for us. I still know my body from all of the time charting, and I do let him know what I think is going on, but it's no big deal.

I still hope it happens, but I'm not holding my breath (or my pee). I'm trying to concentrate on other things a bit. I have been so obsessed and depressed for the last year that it was taking a toll on us and my marriage.

I kind of took a self-imposed break from IDOB, until I could be more objective, and have thrown myself into web design for the past few weeks. I even picked up a few commisions.

Who knows - it may still work out for us.

AF is due tomorrow. My temp actually went up this am, .2 above my highest to date. My temps have been a little weird this month.

I did take a test last night at DH's urging, even though I am only 11dpo. It was negative - I'm not really surprised. It has been a strange few days, though. I am having early pg symptoms - granted they all could have multiple explanations, and likely do mean something else.

Even if AF doesn't show tomorrow, I will have to give her a few days leeway because I have a short LP. FF has me testing tomorrow, but I will probably hold out til Wednesday at least.

... but I think this is going to be my last month actively TTC. I'm not going back to the dr, no more clomid (that doesn't work and just screws me up). I am going to work on losing some weight, getting into a little better shape, fixing up my house, maybe write a book.

I don't know why this is the deadline I set for myself, but I've felt it coming on for a bit. Maybe it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage... maybe it's just time.

I'll probably still hang out here, but I need to stop my baby obsession.

I may or may not chart, but I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe we'll have another surprose... maybe not.

It feels good. That's not to say that I'm not hoping for a BFP this month, but if it doesn't come, I am ready to move on.

I want to thank all of you who have helped support me this past year. You have all meant a lot to me, and I wish you guys luck on your ttc journey.

Believe it or not, I am feeling better. The girls at IDOB and just venting both helped. I don't know yet what I am going to do, but instead of a 2ww, I have a few weeks to think about things and relax. (yeah, good luck with that) I think that will be good, and give me time to think about what I want to do.

Yeah, I'd like to reserve October 25th as my due date.... what do you think. Will it work?

I'm only on CD1 of course, but I checked out my chart on Ovusoft. If this cycle goes the same as last, but I manage to get pregnant, my EDD will be October 25th. That is the exact date that I was due last year, before my miscarriage....

So maybe, it's like renting a hall, and I have to reserve a place amoungst the October mommies.

Anyone else want to sign up?