Beautifully Irrational

My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

The d&c was unnecessary. I woke up today miscarrying. I went to the ER after I passed the sac, and the OB on call (my previous OB) confirmed that it was a complete miscarriage. I am very sad this pregnancy is over, but it was a bit of a relief.

I met with the Ob today. He's in the same practice as my old one, but I like him a lot better. (I am slightly less impressed with his nurse, though - the old one was great).

We talked over my options, and I have schedueled a D/C for Wednesday. We didn't really bother redoing my tests, once he explained my ultrasound results. There was no heartbeat, and only about a weeks worth of growth since the last ultrasound, which was a month ago. It's... *shrugs*

I've come to accept it, and chose the d/c this time, instead of waiting on mother nature as I did last time. Last time, it only took like a week or two for me to miscarry and then a little over a week of heavy bleeding. This time it has already been a month, and I am only spotting. Also, I don't know how to describe the feeling of walking around with your child inside of you, knowing that it is not growing or thriving, but is, in fact, dead. It's a tough burden, and I am ready for this to be over.

Apparently, I have some health issues to resolve, and the dr is adament about me being on birth control for a while. He thinks there is a problem with my blood sugar control and my blood pressure was slightly high on Saturday, which I had attributed to stress, and even higher today. He is concerned.

I am still thinking over what to do next, but right now, my plan is to get healthy and employed. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards.

I'm eleven weeks pregnant today, except that I'm not. I went into the ER tonight. It was trivial, really. I haven't been feeling well, been crampy, and today I had a lot of discharge with some blood in it, so DH wanted me to go in, and I didn't argue too hard.

My HCG is still high, but not as high as it would be for 11 weeks. The baby is measuring 7-8 weeks, and there was no fetal heart tones. It is unlikely that this is just a case of mistaken dates with that large of a margin, especially since four weeks ago, I had a six week fetus with heart beat.

I have to call on Monday for a follow-up appointment with an OB, where they may repeat the u/s, but it looks like this is the end.

It's just like last time - my increased "morning sickness" was really a sign that my pregnancy was failing, not thriving, that small percent that you hear of losing the baby after a heart beat is detected - once again, that's me. I'm 0-4 and really not happy about it. I don't know how to do this again. I don't know how to keep doing it. I don't want to give up my dream, but I guess it's really not meant to be.

I haven't called my family, yet, and to be honest, I am really not ready to. I'm so tired.

I thought yesterday was a bad day. Leland and I ended up spending eight and a half hours in the emergency room because he hurt his back somehow. He lost his assignment at Staffmark because of it. He is out of work again, but hopefully, he will be able to get another assignment next week.

However, when I woke up today, I noticed that I was spotting a little. It just ruined my day.

5 days... that's how long it's been since I found out I was pregnant. I was so sure that maybe this time things would work out, and I would finally have my baby. I'm not a happy woman right now.

I know things aren't necessarily over, yet, but this is the same thing that I went through last time. Weeks of spotting and cramping and waiting for the inevitible.

Damn it...

AF is due tomorrow. My temp actually went up this am, .2 above my highest to date. My temps have been a little weird this month.

I did take a test last night at DH's urging, even though I am only 11dpo. It was negative - I'm not really surprised. It has been a strange few days, though. I am having early pg symptoms - granted they all could have multiple explanations, and likely do mean something else.

Even if AF doesn't show tomorrow, I will have to give her a few days leeway because I have a short LP. FF has me testing tomorrow, but I will probably hold out til Wednesday at least.

... but I think this is going to be my last month actively TTC. I'm not going back to the dr, no more clomid (that doesn't work and just screws me up). I am going to work on losing some weight, getting into a little better shape, fixing up my house, maybe write a book.

I don't know why this is the deadline I set for myself, but I've felt it coming on for a bit. Maybe it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage... maybe it's just time.

I'll probably still hang out here, but I need to stop my baby obsession.

I may or may not chart, but I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe we'll have another surprose... maybe not.

It feels good. That's not to say that I'm not hoping for a BFP this month, but if it doesn't come, I am ready to move on.

I want to thank all of you who have helped support me this past year. You have all meant a lot to me, and I wish you guys luck on your ttc journey.

I'm kind of sad today. Earlier this year, I was expecting my first child. He was due today. He didn't make it. I am currently waiting, once again, to find out if I am now carrying one who will be my "first." ... but it's not the same.

It's been really hard on me emotionally. I imagine that it always will be. For one thing, I am no longer as naive as I was before my loss. I don't think that there will be any day during my next pregnancy where I will ever feel "safe" - not until I hold my, hopefully, healthy child in my arms - and that will just bring a new set of worries. So much can go wrong....

I know that a lot of things go right too - and that is my fondest wish...

I really want to have a baby. I want to be a mom. Today is a really hard day to just be me.

I've actually been doing pretty good the last few months, but this month is really bad. I have been frantic to become pregnant again (even though it took years the last time). I was trying to explain this to my husband the other day, when I realized that its probably because my due date is approaching, and it would be so much easier to accept that, if I was pregnant again, instead of feeling so.... barren.

It seems to escalate day by day.... Almost every dream that I have, every night, I am pregnant. I was walking around the infant section of wal-Mart the other day, just as if I was shopping for my baby. I'm watching all of those baby shows on tv.... the things I did when I was pregnant before, but it feels really unhealthy this time, like it has a tinge of desperation.

God, it's hard. I feel like crying again, and I haven't done that in months. I thought I was doing really good, and had healed. Now, its like going through my miscarriage all over again, but made worse by the distance from the actual event. :-(

I have a young friend who has a due date within a week of what mine was. She is having a son. I was so sure that I was too (though, it was too early to actually tell). While I was having my miscarriage, she called to tell my husband about her pregnancy. She has pretty much been a taboo subject in this house ever since.

For years, I have been determined not to be bitter or obsessed, more than anything. I have experienced other miscarriages, but they don't seem as real. This time, I went to the doctor; we heard a heartbeat; then, it was all gone.

I am getting older, too. It was one thing to be infertile at 18, a whole other to still not have a baby at almost 30.

I didn't even really realize what my problem was until I was listing my reasons to dh the other day, and I said it, then I realized that was it more than anything.

All along, I have planned to get a tattoo on or near my due date to recognize my child and motherhood, despite the miscarriage, also as a rememberance. I still plan to do this. I'm hoping that acknowledging my loss will help me move on.

I remember when I first thought I had found peace with everything, and now I am hoping for that balance again.

Well, It's almost a month later and things are starting to look better. I was really depressed for a while, but as much so any more. I am starting to heal; I am just trying to find my place again.

I watched ER last night. One of the main characters had a miscarriage/stillborn child. It was really sad and hurt to watch, kind of like a kick in the chest, but it wasn't in the wrenching way it would have been a few weeks ago -- more in an "I understand that" kind of way.

I also want to say thanks to everyone who was so supportive.

I went in to see the doctor Tues. He did an exam and an u/s. Everything looked good. He gave me some meds for pain and to help my uterus contract. He said that we can begin trying again this cycle, if we wish.

It's finally over. I lost my baby tonight.

There has been a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. I've been cramping and such the last few days, and probably will be for a few more.

I kind of knew what to expect because I have been through this before (2 previous early miscarriages), but this is the first time things had gone this far, or that I was being seen by a doctor, and then there was the u/s...

It was so hard, having seen and heard my baby's heartbeat and then to have been told he was gone, and yet waiting and waiting for it to be over.

Now, it is and there is some peace - a lot of sadness - but a little peace, too.

( **** This contains details of what happened to me. Please read at your own discretion. **** )

Thank you to everyone that has offerred their support and well-wishes.

We had a car accident today - totaled the car.

We've also lost the baby.

I'll post more later.