Random is as random does...

Mar. 6th, 2010 03:59 am
lyssac: (fun meme)

Funny thing happened on my way to posting in my journal... I turned off an episode of Supernatural to come and post, only to see at the top of my journal, "The Story So Far..." It makes me giggle, because I inadvertently ganked that from Supernatural, and ironically the moment I fell in love with / realized I was in love with the show... [[[The end of the first season, with the flashback vid set to 'Carry On My Wayward Son' - and still always my favorite part of the season]]] And now that I realize I did it, I'm still keeping it :)

You know pregnancy changes a lot of things in your life, but did you know it changes your taste buds too? [[Disclaimer: NO, that is not an announcement]] I am currently devouring my third mint - chocolate - cone - pop - drumstick - thingy since Thursday night. They are so friggen, deliciously awesome. However, I hate mint - with a passion. I have used kid's bubblegum, fruity toothpastes, or vanilla, or my current a weird orange Scope kind of toothpaste for as long as I remember, because I so gag at the idea of mint. However, since my last pregnancy I have had a weird soft spot for mint chocolate chip ice cream with its Andes candies flavor. Mmmm, yummm. How weird is that? Especially since I was last pregnant in the fall of 2006, and the craving persists. ***shrugs***

On a TTC note, I have been charting again, but it has mostly been diheartening. DH has not been very cooperative in doing his part, due to performance issues, weight gain that has made him out of shape, and worsening depression, but I can't get on him too bad about not stepping up when the opportunity arises (so to speak) because my charting is only telling me how cooperative my own body is not....

I'll have a few days of EWCM, followed by a temp spike that the next day (or a few hours later) drops completely away again. It's like my body keeps gearing up to ovulate, harder and harder each week, but can't make it over the hurdle. It's very, very frustrating.

I'll be 35 in a couple of months, and I know that women conceive older than that, I can't help but feel that my window of opportunity is closing. My ten year anniversary is this year. We have only ever used birth control in passing (some condoms in the beginning before we married, a month or two of birth control pills here and there as I have needed them to reset my cycles, etc. We did the whole clomid thing, only to find that I was resistant to it. While I may be able to get it covered, my problem isn't one of the ones listed for our insurance to cover IVF, and what if we did go through all of that only to miscarry again. Tha would suck majorly.

I'm thinking of adoption again, but really, I don't know if I am up to that kind of heartbreak again either, nor can we currently afford it.

I don't know - this turned out to be a lot more depressing than I thought it would be.

My jobs not going so bad three months in, though it has its days. It think about blogging about it, I just don't want to talk about it when I get home most of the time. Money's tight, but we are working on it, and settling into our new home. I'm trying to plan for grad school as soon as I finish paying off the $3500 I owe on my bachelor's degree.

Keebler's "Wheatables" Nut Crisp (Roasted Almond) crackers are surprisingly good. 16 crackers have 19 net carbs, and 3g protein, 6g fat, but they do taste good.

Some wishes do come true...

Dec. 1st, 2009 03:25 pm
lyssac: CSI: NY Stella/Mac in lab coats (CLS - work - lab)

I have been working my butt off the last few weeks in preparation for graduation, and that is why I have been largely absent. Today, some of that work paid off.

I have been working on getting a job, and last week I week I had an interview at a hospital a little over an hour south of here. As desperate as I have been to get any job (I got rid of our cell phones for a pay as you go phone last month, our cable internet was shut off this morning and we are behind on our rent desperate...) I REALLY wanted this job, because it seemed like a really good fit.

Today, I got the call for my background check, and tomorrow I go to do my drug screen/meet with human resources. I'll be making about $35,000 a year, with benefits starting the first day (insurance after 30 days).

This was such a huge relief - I am practically giddy. Now, I just have to finish up all of my assignments by Monday so that I can actually graduate.

Now taking blinkie/icon requests....

Nov. 7th, 2009 11:12 pm
lyssac: (Default)

I'm mostly tired, and a little sore, but feeling better, I think. I am still drowning in homework that is going to take a miracle to complete, and bills that are likewise, but the excruciating pain has mostly past.

Because I am the queen of procrastination, and always looking for something to do, even when I already have 50 million things, and I'm looking for a bit of distraction/fun, and these bite-sized graphics are a good fit. So, for an indefinite length of time, I am taking requests for the following:

1) Signature blinkies - personalized or general. (see my left sidebar, even though I didn't make all of those)

* I :heart: ????
* Due in [Month]
* zodiac sign
* Breastfeeding/Other parenting milestone
* Sports teams
* Whatever you can think of...

2) Icons
Must be 100x100, under 40k, preferably not animated, but exceptions can be made.

* Same subjects as above
* Actor/Actesses
* Quotes
* Pop culture (ie. Starbucks)
* Stock Images
* Whatever you can think of...

I can google images for icons, or you can provide me with 2-3 to choose from.
Limit a total of 3 blinkies/icons per person, unless there are no pending requests, then you can place another order after your previous order is filled.

Samples of previous work available upon request.

Friday 5 for November 6: Hot N Cold

Nov. 6th, 2009 08:00 pm
lyssac: (friday five)

This week's questions are from Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle, and the theme seems fitting, because Katy Perry has been singing the soundtrack in my head this week.

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

1) Which one is more irritating- being too hot or being too cold?
I hate being too hot. You can always layer extra clothes and blankets, but when I'm too hot, it's like I can't breathe. I freeze my husband out summer or winter.

2) Were you born in the winter or the summer?
I was born at the end of spring, beginning of summer, when everything is fresh and beautiful, but not to hot.

3) What are your favourite foods to eat when you need to warm up and cool down?
I love soup and hot drinks, all of the time; hot tea, cocoa, Americanos. Soft serve ice cream is another favorite, and one I will break my 'diet' for. I love ice cream and shakes, etc.

4) Which one are you more likely to suffer from- hayfever or flu- and does it run in your family?
My husband has bad hayfever, I have more indoor allergies (like mold). Respiratory illnesses tend to knock us both for a loop, but it's not a family thing for either of us.

5) You are granted a day of perfect weather whenever you like. What day do you place it on and why?
I don't know - hopefully day where I have the time and health to enjoy it.

This post brought to you by the letters "E" and "R".

Nov. 5th, 2009 09:54 pm
lyssac: (Default)

I thought that I had ovulated a few weeks ago, because I wasn't temping, and then had very bad PMS-like symptoms last week. Last night I started having stabby-type pains in my right ovary, occasionally shooting down to my cervix. They got worse as the day went on, until I was crying at one point during the morning at work.

I tried to call my Gyn this am, to get some BCP, for what was quickly becoming obvious was an ovarian cyst, but she wouldn't prescribe it, because it had been more than a year since my last PAP smear apparently. I did make an appointment with her for 17 December.

Meanwhile, the pain kept getting worse, and the girls at the lab were getting on my case to see the dr, so after I clocked out, I walked down to the emergency department. They got me in pretty quick. I didn't see the doctor very much, and it was obvious that gynecology wasn't a specialty of his, but he did examine me, and ask questions, and listen to me. The wait time to get my labs and everything clear was a little long, but I was able to get some sleep and that helped, and then DH showed up.

So, I got a month's supply of Ortho-cyclen, and 15 Lortab/Vicodin/Hydrocodone-APAP that was working wonderfully, but is starting to wear off half-way to my next dose. Also, since we haven't gotten Leland's insurance reinstated, it was kind of an expensive visit to the ER, and the out of pocket expenses for the meds, even as generics.

I'm really worried about money, especially since we are about $700 behind on our rent, and I haven't gotten a job yet. Also, this incident happened at the hospital that I am hoping will hire me, and I don't know if I will be up to going in in the am, or ifit will even be smart to do so, considering the pain could get much worse through the day OR I could take a three day weekend (that would reflect on my attendence/reliability).

Dx: dehydration & ovarian cyst
Prognosis: Medically, good with fluids, meds and rest. Personal life and employment prospects, TBD.

To Blog or Not to Blog, there is no question.

Nov. 4th, 2009 03:32 pm
lyssac: (journal)

Suzy @ Not a Fertile Myrtle, posted today about why she blogs, in response to a response to a blog post about blog identity, and apparently, it is contagious, because I am continuing the trend.

I think it is human nature to want to connect, and for whatever reason, we can't always do that in our real (off-line) lives, sometimes because there are truths that we aren't necessarily ready to share with the general people who know us, but feel free to expose that part of ourselves on-line. Also, we want people to respond, to say "I understand," "I know what you mean," etc. I'm no different in that regard.

I first got on-line in 1997. The internet was a different place then, I am fond of saying, and it was, because everything was growing so exponentially and the internet bubble hadn't busted yet. There were HUGE on-line chat communities. They weren't much more advanced than current yahoo chatrooms in structure, but they were communities, in much the way journal sites like livejournal and social networking sites like facebook are now. The main one that I was part of was The Park. I actually met my husband there.

About a year and a half after that I discovered fan fiction. I love to read, to write, and to explore media, and I was able to link up with other people with similar interests. I joined mailing lists on onelist, then egroups, and eventually yahoogroups, as one company bought another. About the time yahoo started acting like the borg and gobbling up everything in sight (egroups, geocities, webrings, etc) livejournal was getting started, and people started migrating to it, and using communities in place of the mailing list. In 2003, I followed lemming-like.

It became a perfect fit for me, because the connections seemed more real, writers became people and it was easy to find new communities and forums by surfing friends of friends, and I wasn't limited to just talking about the topic at hand - as with most communities that had a strict 'no off-topic posts' policy. It helped me to open a dialogue.

However, even now there is a bit of division in my life. I still have that fandom based journal, but when I first became pregnant, I wanted a way to share my pregnancy with my grandmother who lives in California (and is my only real family) and yet, keep things separate. My fandom from my real life, for people in my real life and my real life from fandom, for those who while friendly didn't necessarily want to know the intimate details of my girl parts :)

This became even more when I decided to undergo fertility treatments and needed to vent and record my journey, and then another pregnancy and loss, and now, a way to share my stories both for my own peace of mind, but also to help provide support for other people who may be experiencing the same thing themselves.

It's all about connection.

My husband knows some of your names, because I talk about you and your troubles, and the ways that you have impacted my life. I don't always have the time or motivation to post, but even when I seem absent, I am often thinking of my blog and the things that I could be saying. My journals may be part confessional a la The Red Shoe Diaries, but it is real, and it's important; it's a part of my life that I would be hard pressed to ever let go of.

Using Dreamwdith for Bloggers

Nov. 3rd, 2009 05:24 pm
lyssac: (Default)

1) You do not have to have a be a Dreamwidth member to comment on any entry here, as this site accepts OpenID.

2) If you would like to join the site, then you are welcome to do so, and I will be happy to give and/or find you a code.
Here's 2 to start:

Comment if you take one, or need one.

3) Dreamwidth supports RSS and ATOM feeds. Most of my reading page consists of blogs on other systems:
alittlepregnant, annenahm, barrenblog, lostandfound, notafertilemyrtle, sassypantsmommy, stirrupqueens, etc. See the "Feeds" section of my profile to see my current subscriptions, and to follow those blogs for yourself.

4) You can also follow me via RSS or ATOM on your journal, or feedreader service (Google Reader, My Yahoo, Bloglines, Net Vibes, Newsgator). RSS ATOM. This is also a good way to group all of your favorite blogs in one place, if you are still visiting them one by one.

Questions, Comments?

Microbiology is fun!

Nov. 3rd, 2009 04:07 pm
lyssac: CSI: NY Stella/Mac in lab coats (CLS - work - lab)

Ok, most people would think I am crazy for loving playing with slimy, smelly, germy cultires of various body fluids and excretions, but I really am enjoying it, even if today was only my second day.

I also may have a line on a job, if the lab manager isn't sick of me yet. I keep going to her and talking to her about possible positions, and have made it very clear, that I am both extremely eager and extrememly desperate. Today, Diane, the head of the bloodbank made a suggestion that I should see about a PRN position, especially as one of the other employees is about to go on maternity leave.

There is a part-time/PRN specimen processing position open and I finish my micro rotation in about 3 weeks, which is about when Christie's maternity leave starts and Micro is her main department. I have my fingers crossed, so much, because it would get my foot in the door, and I would be working full time during the Christmas break, which is the same time that DH would be laid off, due to the school being closed.

I haven't had the best of luck job-hunting, because the positions keep disappearing. I really, really hope that something comes of this, but it will be a week or so before they even visit the question. I guess that's time to get my house in order (in the figurative and literal sense.


Nov. 2nd, 2009 11:03 pm
lyssac: (Default)

Nothing much is happening here, which is sad, because it really should be. I guess I am just down, as I mentioned before. Graduation is just a few weeks off. I am trying very hard to find a job, and DH and I are really really feeling the stress financially.

So, in honor of this: something silly that makes me smile.

Motivation Needed

Nov. 1st, 2009 02:17 pm
lyssac: CSI: NY Stella/Mac in lab coats (CLS - work - lab)

Today starts the 30 posts in 30 days blogathon, and already, I fail. Well, I did remember to post today, so, I guess that's one thing, but I can't think of what to say.

Ironically, today is also the first day of National Novel Writing Month. This is the first time since 2004 that I haven't made an attempt to participate (though, that, like everything else you see here, is subject to change.

I'm kind of depressed about my approaching graduation, which is weird. I am so behind on my homework that I'm going to fail, if I don't get my butt it gear, and yet, I can't seem to do it. I also have not paid this semester's tuition, nor, can I afford to, and we are on the very edge of getting evicted for not paying our rent. We are so broke and the job I interviewed for (that I need to graduate for) fell through. Not, that they hired someone elso... The job just went away.

*sigh* Even I don't want to be around me, I am so depressing.

Blah, Blah, Broken Record

Oct. 31st, 2009 04:57 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

In the continuing saga that is my messed up cycle this month: Yesterday am I took one of the pregnancy tests that I had from the hospital with FMU and it was negative.

However, I still have not started menstruating. My cervix has headed for parts so far north I can barely find it, and is completely closed, and for the last two days, I am wet all of the time, to the point that I think it may finally be AF, but it's just CM. It doesn't have any texture, though... not eggwhite, not stretchy, not even like arousal, just wet.

I generally have a fairly short LP (11-12 days), and I am 17dpo at this point, by my calculations; so, the only thing that I can think is that maybe I didn't ovulate after all, and I've just got the wrong end of the stick. I can't find my thermometer right now.

My body is telling me differently though.. I am PMSing. My breasts hurt all of the time, and get really bad about the same time every evening (6-11pm) to the point where, I'm grabbing them in public, until I realize what I'm doing.

I am continually crampy, painfully so, though this cycles some, too. Basically, I have all of the symptoms of early pregnancy/really, really bad PMS.

I don't know what to do/think at this point. Part of me wants this resolved, part of me thinks the BFN means that it has, part of me thinks "Good. Maybe I am pregnant, but if I don't KNOW, I can't worry about it, and one day, I'll be way past my first trimester and 'Surprise!'.

*rolls eyes* I mean, I know I'm not the sanest chick on the internets, but something has got to give here, and I'm afraid that it's going to be my sanity.

I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and cry now.

Friday 5 for October 30: At the Movies

Oct. 30th, 2009 11:41 am
lyssac: (journal)

1. What’s your favorite sports movie?
Sports movies. What sports movies do I watch? Baseball. Football. Feelgood, underdogs. I know I've watched them....

*jeopardy theme playing in head* White Man Can't Jump? Nah, not a fave, just ALSO happens to include Jeopardy. lol.

///tests google-fu on "best sports movies" /// Ok. A few Honorable Mentions, but favorites?

Amused that Pool and Chess make the 'sports movies' categories, when that idea would get your @ss kicked in most high schools - Hey! Is revenge of the Nerds a 'sports movie. Nah. Didn't think so. Oooh and we almost have a winner, thanks to this site and its list of controversial inclusions.

TIE: The Cutting Edge and Bring It On. The first probably has a slight advantage in favoritism, but the latter fights back with sheer smart-assedness. (Though it almost loses coolness points for the 50 million sequals.)

(What do you mean that wasn't in the movie you saw?)

2. What’s your favorite romantic comedy film?
I haven't the faintest idea. I do watch them, but they aren't top of my list. I'm an action/thriller/suspense kind of girl. Hmmmm...

I'm going to go old school with this. Pillow Talk with Doris Day and Rock Hudson.

3. What’s your favorite animated Disney movie?
Hmm, I love the soundtrack to Mulan, and it's hard to narrow down, so probably that.

(Here, Have an mp3 of my favorite: Donny Osmond - I'll Make A Man Out Of You [Mulan])

4. What’s your favorite non-Disney movie musical?

Into the Woods (with Bernadette Peters)

5. What’s your favorite stranger-in-a-strange-land / fish-out-of-water movie?

Wizard of Oz!!!!!

Someone's NOT Listening

Oct. 30th, 2009 10:30 am
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

Last night, I wrote the following on the message board:

I hurt!!!! My breasts are so sore right now, and my bra is killing me. My belly is so sore and crampy and hurting and I am getting one h#ll of a headache. I can NOT wait to go home, and relax in a cold, dark room with as few clothes as possible and a couple of naproxin.

I am miserable. AF better show by the morning, or else that stick better d@mn well have two lines. This is ridiculous. I have to start a new rotation on Moday and I have a TON of stuff to do this weekend. I DON'T have time for this... (and it really hurts).

Guess, what? Still here. Still hurting. No menstruation, except in my dreams (which is kind of weird, dreaming about getting your period, in the midst of already weird dreams, dealing with tampons, etc.) Aaaannnddd, I used the last hCG test that I snagged from the hospital. One big fat pink line = NOT pregnant. No way, no how.

Look, the witch better show up quick, fast, and in a hurry, because I am 16dpo, and negative on a very sensitive test with FMU, so I am NOT PREGNANT. That makes this uncomfortableness nigh on torture and quite unnecesary. If she doesn't show up by Sunday, I'm breaking out the progesterone to show her who's boss around here.


Also, Suzy of Not a Fertile Myrtle is hosting a 30 posts in 30 days blogathon during the month of November. Who knows if I will be able to do it, or to have anything interesting to say, but I'm going to give it a shot.

Who's that pretty girl in the mirror there?

Oct. 29th, 2009 10:43 am
lyssac: (journal)

I am no longer a blonde. Apparently, this is news to no one but me.

I've always been blonde. In fact it is a weird Mendelian quirk that both of my parents had black hair and dark brown eyes, and both my brother and I had blonde hair and hazel (brown/green eyes). My paternal grandmother is to thank for the eyes. My maternal grandfather had reddish blonde hair, and the rest is a mystery.

Now, I call my hair chameleon colored really, in that it is and has been every color and none. As a child the whitest of blondes, light strawberry blondes, and "dirty" blondes all occured at some point. My hair began to change and darken slightly during my teenage years, becoming a darker blonde with nice, clear blonde highlights and red lowlights. My formerly bone straight hair also became quite curly... an experimental body wave had me looking like a poodle.

I've never really dyed my hair, or at least not more than a shade or two lighter or darker or redder, nothing that would give me obvious roots when it grew in. It was never really an issue. My hair seemed to take on whatever color was applied. A couple of years ago though, I dyed my hair a dark chesnut red (almost purpley). It looked awesome, but was much darker than my previous experiments. So maybe that's why I didn't notice.

I cut my hair last night. The curls that fell into the sink have not been chemically treated at all, and they were, by no stretch of the imagination, not blonde. They were a deep rich brown.

When did this happen and how did I not notice it?

I mean, I did notice my hair was darker lately (and for a while), but I didn't realize the extent of the change. I realized that I didn't notice, because I don't look in the mirror. I am so unhappy with the woman who looks back, that I avoid looking, and avoid really seeing when I do. It's a lot of little things... the dissonance between who I think I am and what I see. The effects of the hirsutism of my hormone issues. I don't know, but it's really sad that I am so out of touch with who I am that I didn't even realize that I wasn't blonde anymore.

I should work on that.

No Joy

Oct. 28th, 2009 10:38 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

I'm a raving hormonal b#tch, but my tits look nice.

(Translation: My breasts and belly are sore and swollen, and AF has not get arrived to put me out of my misery.)

Despite my misgivings, the stick has been duly peed on, and the chronic single line has appeared. So, I am in limbo - not pregnant, but not yet menstrual and moving on.

The good news, is that despite my recent laissez-faire (spurred on by premenstrual depression), I am starting to see the effects of my "diet". I say diet in the loosest terms, because I'm not counting calories by any means, though I am watching carbs. I am also walking home from the hospital each day,k and sometimes also to the college (about 2 miles). I am starting to see the muscles in my legs become more defined again, and I finally noticed the other day that some of my fat belly has gone AWOL.

My breasts are a bit smaller, but apparently premenstrual swelling does wonders for them. DH apparently agrees because he gave me a sheer white top to put on when we went out to Wal-Mart. I wore it of course, because I'm trashy like that - and it's the little things (or not so little as the case may be) that we have to hold on to when infertility once again kicks us in the ass (or the cramping lower abdomen).

That is all.

///We are considering moving on to a last ditch attempt with injectibles next year, depending on my employment situation.///

I'm late...

Oct. 27th, 2009 11:51 pm
lyssac: (journal)

... but I suck, so there's no telling, because my TCOYF software apparently sucks right along with me.

I've been a bad, obsessive TTC girl this cycle (as you may have noticed), spurred on by the fact that I was doing my clinical practicum in the bloodbank/serology department with all you can handle pregnancy tests, so here is my month to date.

According to my practice trying to pay attention to my body and half-assed charting (CM mostly) This is the second time I've ovulated since last November (the last being in May, when I was last similarly baby crazy). My ovulatory cycles are fairly normal 29 days, with about an 11 day LP. (Annovulatory cycles are generally ~35 days and up.)

TMI cam :: ////I had super EW mucus on the 12th, like the picture in the TCOYF book and was really wet down there the 12th and 13th. TCOYF has me ovulating as of the 14th when I became dry as a bone...////

Last Tuesday, I took my first stupid test (6dpo urine... lmao now), Wednesday, I did a blood test, Sunday (11dpo) I did another urine test. ALL BFN of course... (I'm a late positive tester anyway, so I have NO IDEA WTF I was thinking).

So, AF was due today (actually, I've been expecting it since Saturday, but TCOYF said today... Last night, I had major cramping and my usual PMS symptoms, so I expected AF to be here when I woke up.

Nada... just lots more PMS-y aching, cramping, crabbiness. JOY. So, I put that in my chart for today, and instead of kicking me one day later, like a normal late AF, TCOYF added another WEEK to my cycle, as if it were one of the annovulatory ones. Meaning, that if I did ovulate as I am 90% sure I did, TCOYF says I should now get my AF about 20dpo @#%!@#*&

And, now, of course, I won't pee on a stick. Dude - AF is coming, this is ridiculous, never mind my crazy "symptoms" that are getting worse. Hello, PMS. Besides, if it's too early to test positive, it's too early for symptoms, and that's my story, I'm sticking to it.

I mean, you have NO idea how much I want this, but at the same time, I wish AF would just show up and put me out of my misery.

Disclaimer: I told you I was crazy.

Forget the Rabbit, Is the Cat Dead?

Oct. 25th, 2009 11:31 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

The two week wait of obsession and dread - Am I pregnant? Is it too soon to test? What about implantation bleeding? Go to any fertility/ttc support board and you will find millions of questions like this from newbies and veterans who should know better.

My boobs are sore; I know because I've been mashing on them all day, and they weren't sore yesterday, so it must be a sign. My mucus turned flourescent pink; does this mean I'm going to have a girl?

Ok, so I am not exactly innocent of the charges. In fact, last May, I purposely recorded every single one of my crazy 'symptoms' to catalog exactly what I was feeling when I wasn't pregnant, to remind myself of the crazy making. I think it's because for those two blissful weeks of hell, it's the ultimate balancing act of the ttc experience. You're not pregnant - but, you could be.

It's this weird psychosis (that I have) I think... if I test and it's negative then I'll feel really stupid and then AF will show up. If I don't test, I'm like a pregnant version of Schrodinger's cat. lalala - not pregnant, not pregnant... ooops, really!!! AF still hasn't shown.... hmm. Meanwhile I read all about pregnancy and pretend to make a registry that I'll never need and generally do wacky things until AF puts me out of my misery.

It's not over until the witch shows, every assures you, and you long to believe it. Sometimes your denial progresses even further, 'oh, but so and so still got her period and was 3 months pregnant!!1111!1' so it could still be possible!

There is so much potential that it is hard not to get caught up in it - if you don't look, if you don't know the truth, Schrodinger's cat is both alive and dead at the same time, and as such is really neither. If I don't test (and even if I do), I don't know, and so I can imagine that I am, that I might be pregnant, even as I know that I'm not.

Hey, bet all those people who think getting pregnant isn't rocket science wouldn't believe that it's quantum physics instead.

The Stages of Infertility

Oct. 20th, 2009 11:13 pm
lyssac: (Default)

I've been thinking a lot about infertility again lately. It is a constant companion, but one that only comes to the forefront of my mind in each passing month, yet grips my full attention every so often. I've done pretty well lately - other than a brief bought of obsession around Mother's Day (incidently the only other time in the last year that I've ovulated) - despite collegues who are pregnant and one who recently suffered a loss.

But, when I am got in its grip, it seems to take over everything, and each time it is like dealing with the inherent loss all over again. It's almost as if I have to go through the stages of grief all over again, every time. Not like losing an actual child, or even like my miscarriages, it is more like I hav allowed myself to once again be caught up in the potential, the wishing and hoping, and the 'just maybe', and now have to come to terms with that loss. It is in a way never ending, even if you become a veteran of such skirmishes.

It's the denial that gets us in trouble. Anger is a near constant companion. Acceptance, when we get there is hard won, and sometimes fleeting, but it's that bargaining that always gets me.

My fairy godmother will come down and grant me a perfectly happy, healthy, beautiful baby (or two or three) and while she's at it, I want to glow with personal beauty, not really gain any weight, to actually end up so perfect that I am more physically fit at the end of my pregnancy than the beginning of it. If she also wants to throw in some money to get us a beautiful house and to care for our beautiful baby/babies all the better, because of course, pregnancy will make everything all better.


You think after so many years, I wouldn't believe in fairy tales any more - and yet, it's the only thing I have to cling to - you know, not having an actual baby. Which is all really rather pathetic of me, considering I am finally taking care of myself, getting ready to graduate with a degree and possible employment in a field I absolutely love, and life is going pretty damn well, if I let it. And yet, I am being maudlin and obsessive, as if I received my diagnosis last week instead of 16 years ago. wtf?

Life may not be great, but it's not so bad...

Oct. 15th, 2009 06:47 pm
lyssac: (Default)

Starbucks Drink of the Day: Raspberry Vanilla Italian Soda
Venti, Sugar Free Vanilla, Raspberry Syrup (light on the raspberry), half and half/cream, and club soda. It tastes like a milk shake/ice cream soda. It is kind of weird at first for people who are weirded out by the cream/club soda mixture, but it is oh, so good.

The perks of a husband who works at Starbucks!

On the other hand, I have a huge set of differentials and case studies due tomorrow. I had an awesome job interview yesterday that I hope to be telling you all about in glorious, glowing detail at the beginning of next week, and I just learned about the possibility (though slim) of a non-tenure track associate professor's position open next fall that I am going to throw my hat in for. My world is rocking along.