Random is as random does...

Mar. 6th, 2010 03:59 am
lyssac: (fun meme)

Funny thing happened on my way to posting in my journal... I turned off an episode of Supernatural to come and post, only to see at the top of my journal, "The Story So Far..." It makes me giggle, because I inadvertently ganked that from Supernatural, and ironically the moment I fell in love with / realized I was in love with the show... [[[The end of the first season, with the flashback vid set to 'Carry On My Wayward Son' - and still always my favorite part of the season]]] And now that I realize I did it, I'm still keeping it :)

You know pregnancy changes a lot of things in your life, but did you know it changes your taste buds too? [[Disclaimer: NO, that is not an announcement]] I am currently devouring my third mint - chocolate - cone - pop - drumstick - thingy since Thursday night. They are so friggen, deliciously awesome. However, I hate mint - with a passion. I have used kid's bubblegum, fruity toothpastes, or vanilla, or my current a weird orange Scope kind of toothpaste for as long as I remember, because I so gag at the idea of mint. However, since my last pregnancy I have had a weird soft spot for mint chocolate chip ice cream with its Andes candies flavor. Mmmm, yummm. How weird is that? Especially since I was last pregnant in the fall of 2006, and the craving persists. ***shrugs***

On a TTC note, I have been charting again, but it has mostly been diheartening. DH has not been very cooperative in doing his part, due to performance issues, weight gain that has made him out of shape, and worsening depression, but I can't get on him too bad about not stepping up when the opportunity arises (so to speak) because my charting is only telling me how cooperative my own body is not....

I'll have a few days of EWCM, followed by a temp spike that the next day (or a few hours later) drops completely away again. It's like my body keeps gearing up to ovulate, harder and harder each week, but can't make it over the hurdle. It's very, very frustrating.

I'll be 35 in a couple of months, and I know that women conceive older than that, I can't help but feel that my window of opportunity is closing. My ten year anniversary is this year. We have only ever used birth control in passing (some condoms in the beginning before we married, a month or two of birth control pills here and there as I have needed them to reset my cycles, etc. We did the whole clomid thing, only to find that I was resistant to it. While I may be able to get it covered, my problem isn't one of the ones listed for our insurance to cover IVF, and what if we did go through all of that only to miscarry again. Tha would suck majorly.

I'm thinking of adoption again, but really, I don't know if I am up to that kind of heartbreak again either, nor can we currently afford it.

I don't know - this turned out to be a lot more depressing than I thought it would be.

My jobs not going so bad three months in, though it has its days. It think about blogging about it, I just don't want to talk about it when I get home most of the time. Money's tight, but we are working on it, and settling into our new home. I'm trying to plan for grad school as soon as I finish paying off the $3500 I owe on my bachelor's degree.

Keebler's "Wheatables" Nut Crisp (Roasted Almond) crackers are surprisingly good. 16 crackers have 19 net carbs, and 3g protein, 6g fat, but they do taste good.

Blah, Blah, Broken Record

Oct. 31st, 2009 04:57 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

In the continuing saga that is my messed up cycle this month: Yesterday am I took one of the pregnancy tests that I had from the hospital with FMU and it was negative.

However, I still have not started menstruating. My cervix has headed for parts so far north I can barely find it, and is completely closed, and for the last two days, I am wet all of the time, to the point that I think it may finally be AF, but it's just CM. It doesn't have any texture, though... not eggwhite, not stretchy, not even like arousal, just wet.

I generally have a fairly short LP (11-12 days), and I am 17dpo at this point, by my calculations; so, the only thing that I can think is that maybe I didn't ovulate after all, and I've just got the wrong end of the stick. I can't find my thermometer right now.

My body is telling me differently though.. I am PMSing. My breasts hurt all of the time, and get really bad about the same time every evening (6-11pm) to the point where, I'm grabbing them in public, until I realize what I'm doing.

I am continually crampy, painfully so, though this cycles some, too. Basically, I have all of the symptoms of early pregnancy/really, really bad PMS.

I don't know what to do/think at this point. Part of me wants this resolved, part of me thinks the BFN means that it has, part of me thinks "Good. Maybe I am pregnant, but if I don't KNOW, I can't worry about it, and one day, I'll be way past my first trimester and 'Surprise!'.

*rolls eyes* I mean, I know I'm not the sanest chick on the internets, but something has got to give here, and I'm afraid that it's going to be my sanity.

I'm going to go sit in a dark corner and cry now.

Someone's NOT Listening

Oct. 30th, 2009 10:30 am
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

Last night, I wrote the following on the message board:

I hurt!!!! My breasts are so sore right now, and my bra is killing me. My belly is so sore and crampy and hurting and I am getting one h#ll of a headache. I can NOT wait to go home, and relax in a cold, dark room with as few clothes as possible and a couple of naproxin.

I am miserable. AF better show by the morning, or else that stick better d@mn well have two lines. This is ridiculous. I have to start a new rotation on Moday and I have a TON of stuff to do this weekend. I DON'T have time for this... (and it really hurts).

Guess, what? Still here. Still hurting. No menstruation, except in my dreams (which is kind of weird, dreaming about getting your period, in the midst of already weird dreams, dealing with tampons, etc.) Aaaannnddd, I used the last hCG test that I snagged from the hospital. One big fat pink line = NOT pregnant. No way, no how.

Look, the witch better show up quick, fast, and in a hurry, because I am 16dpo, and negative on a very sensitive test with FMU, so I am NOT PREGNANT. That makes this uncomfortableness nigh on torture and quite unnecesary. If she doesn't show up by Sunday, I'm breaking out the progesterone to show her who's boss around here.


Also, Suzy of Not a Fertile Myrtle is hosting a 30 posts in 30 days blogathon during the month of November. Who knows if I will be able to do it, or to have anything interesting to say, but I'm going to give it a shot.

No Joy

Oct. 28th, 2009 10:38 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

I'm a raving hormonal b#tch, but my tits look nice.

(Translation: My breasts and belly are sore and swollen, and AF has not get arrived to put me out of my misery.)

Despite my misgivings, the stick has been duly peed on, and the chronic single line has appeared. So, I am in limbo - not pregnant, but not yet menstrual and moving on.

The good news, is that despite my recent laissez-faire (spurred on by premenstrual depression), I am starting to see the effects of my "diet". I say diet in the loosest terms, because I'm not counting calories by any means, though I am watching carbs. I am also walking home from the hospital each day,k and sometimes also to the college (about 2 miles). I am starting to see the muscles in my legs become more defined again, and I finally noticed the other day that some of my fat belly has gone AWOL.

My breasts are a bit smaller, but apparently premenstrual swelling does wonders for them. DH apparently agrees because he gave me a sheer white top to put on when we went out to Wal-Mart. I wore it of course, because I'm trashy like that - and it's the little things (or not so little as the case may be) that we have to hold on to when infertility once again kicks us in the ass (or the cramping lower abdomen).

That is all.

///We are considering moving on to a last ditch attempt with injectibles next year, depending on my employment situation.///

I'm late...

Oct. 27th, 2009 11:51 pm
lyssac: (journal)

... but I suck, so there's no telling, because my TCOYF software apparently sucks right along with me.

I've been a bad, obsessive TTC girl this cycle (as you may have noticed), spurred on by the fact that I was doing my clinical practicum in the bloodbank/serology department with all you can handle pregnancy tests, so here is my month to date.

According to my practice trying to pay attention to my body and half-assed charting (CM mostly) This is the second time I've ovulated since last November (the last being in May, when I was last similarly baby crazy). My ovulatory cycles are fairly normal 29 days, with about an 11 day LP. (Annovulatory cycles are generally ~35 days and up.)

TMI cam :: ////I had super EW mucus on the 12th, like the picture in the TCOYF book and was really wet down there the 12th and 13th. TCOYF has me ovulating as of the 14th when I became dry as a bone...////

Last Tuesday, I took my first stupid test (6dpo urine... lmao now), Wednesday, I did a blood test, Sunday (11dpo) I did another urine test. ALL BFN of course... (I'm a late positive tester anyway, so I have NO IDEA WTF I was thinking).

So, AF was due today (actually, I've been expecting it since Saturday, but TCOYF said today... Last night, I had major cramping and my usual PMS symptoms, so I expected AF to be here when I woke up.

Nada... just lots more PMS-y aching, cramping, crabbiness. JOY. So, I put that in my chart for today, and instead of kicking me one day later, like a normal late AF, TCOYF added another WEEK to my cycle, as if it were one of the annovulatory ones. Meaning, that if I did ovulate as I am 90% sure I did, TCOYF says I should now get my AF about 20dpo @#%!@#*&

And, now, of course, I won't pee on a stick. Dude - AF is coming, this is ridiculous, never mind my crazy "symptoms" that are getting worse. Hello, PMS. Besides, if it's too early to test positive, it's too early for symptoms, and that's my story, I'm sticking to it.

I mean, you have NO idea how much I want this, but at the same time, I wish AF would just show up and put me out of my misery.

Disclaimer: I told you I was crazy.

Forget the Rabbit, Is the Cat Dead?

Oct. 25th, 2009 11:31 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

The two week wait of obsession and dread - Am I pregnant? Is it too soon to test? What about implantation bleeding? Go to any fertility/ttc support board and you will find millions of questions like this from newbies and veterans who should know better.

My boobs are sore; I know because I've been mashing on them all day, and they weren't sore yesterday, so it must be a sign. My mucus turned flourescent pink; does this mean I'm going to have a girl?

Ok, so I am not exactly innocent of the charges. In fact, last May, I purposely recorded every single one of my crazy 'symptoms' to catalog exactly what I was feeling when I wasn't pregnant, to remind myself of the crazy making. I think it's because for those two blissful weeks of hell, it's the ultimate balancing act of the ttc experience. You're not pregnant - but, you could be.

It's this weird psychosis (that I have) I think... if I test and it's negative then I'll feel really stupid and then AF will show up. If I don't test, I'm like a pregnant version of Schrodinger's cat. lalala - not pregnant, not pregnant... ooops, really!!! AF still hasn't shown.... hmm. Meanwhile I read all about pregnancy and pretend to make a registry that I'll never need and generally do wacky things until AF puts me out of my misery.

It's not over until the witch shows, every assures you, and you long to believe it. Sometimes your denial progresses even further, 'oh, but so and so still got her period and was 3 months pregnant!!1111!1' so it could still be possible!

There is so much potential that it is hard not to get caught up in it - if you don't look, if you don't know the truth, Schrodinger's cat is both alive and dead at the same time, and as such is really neither. If I don't test (and even if I do), I don't know, and so I can imagine that I am, that I might be pregnant, even as I know that I'm not.

Hey, bet all those people who think getting pregnant isn't rocket science wouldn't believe that it's quantum physics instead.

The Story So Far...

Oct. 14th, 2009 02:34 am
lyssac: (Default)

My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.


I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.


This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

I informed DH...

Oct. 12th, 2009 02:26 am
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

that I know he is tired, and it wasn't likely, but if there was any chance in hell, we needed to have sex tonight.

There's this illustration in the TCOYF book with the super-long string of EWCM (and the accompanying anecdote of the successful pregnancy that resulted) - that's me tonight (successful pregnancy pending*), and I am all achy and twingy in my pelvis.

Today is day 17 of my cycle, and that's about when I usually ovulate if it's going to happen. (The last few months, I have had my slightly longer, mostly regular, but annovulatory cycles, so I am due for a good one.)

So, you know good thoughts, baby wishes, and fairy dust (lottery tickets - whatever your personal magic is) are all welcome. It's been too many years, and too many losses. I've pretty much reconciled myself to not having a baby at this point, but I can't help but hope on days like this.

I want a miracle.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

May. 14th, 2009 06:33 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

I swear I'm going to end up one of those crazy ladies with a hysterical pregnancy like that chick on Grey's Anatomy.

I posted over the weekend/Monday or sometime about how I was having weird pregnancy symptoms/premonitions even though I was barely past ovulation and knew it was impossible. Today my breasts are killing me. I'm only 5dpo. I'm not that crazy yet. I know it's all in my mind, but dammit.

On top of that, I had a doctor's visit today because I've been having problems with my diabetes. I told her that I wasn't "trying" but I wasn't "not trying" either. She told me not to get pregnant right now, because of my health and the stress of my current financial situation. I know all of that in my head, and really, it's been quite a while since I was this "baby crazy". I don't know where my head is at.

Taking a (much needed) break...

May. 6th, 2005 02:31 am
lyssac: (journal)

I'm not pregnant. My period did come about 4 weeks ago, and I was really down. I went away for a women's retreat weekend, and it was just what I needed. I've relaxed, and am mostly taking an indefinite break.

DH says I can have all of the HPTs I want, but nothing else. I have a bunch of OPKs, but we aren't using them. No sex on demand, and I'm not really even charting (just enought to know that I haven't O'd yet this cycle - CD28). It's working for us. I still know my body from all of the time charting, and I do let him know what I think is going on, but it's no big deal.

I still hope it happens, but I'm not holding my breath (or my pee). I'm trying to concentrate on other things a bit. I have been so obsessed and depressed for the last year that it was taking a toll on us and my marriage.

I kind of took a self-imposed break from IDOB, until I could be more objective, and have thrown myself into web design for the past few weeks. I even picked up a few commisions.

Who knows - it may still work out for us.

The Answer is...

Apr. 7th, 2005 09:54 am
lyssac: (baby)

.. Not Pregnant.

I used an Answer brand test with FMU this morning, and it was clearly negative, despite the positive BOAT 2 days ago. I really feel like AF is coming.

My cycle has been screwy all month, and I have no idea how accurate my temps are or when/if I O'd now.

I guess I'll just wait for AF or test again in a few days.

Inaccurate Temps

Apr. 7th, 2005 04:49 am
lyssac: (journal)

My temps for this cycle have been really weird, and I am not sure how accurate they are. Also, I had EWCM at 4 and 5 dpo, and if I put that in my chart, it says I haven't O'd at all, despite the thermal shift.

For example - when I first woke up this am, my temp was 97.6. I immediately took it again to double check (digital) and it was 97.8. Ten minutes later, because I was freaked out that maybe I screwed up, I took it again, it was 97.9.

My chart has high temps where it shouldn't, lows where it shouldn't. Who knows - maybe I didn't O at all...

but that line in still clear as a bell on the blood test I did 2 days ago.

fear factor

Apr. 5th, 2005 09:57 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

... but, mommy, I don't want to pee on a test....


I am afraid, since this one was so difficult in developing and the blood test is supposed to be more sensitive, then the urine test will be negative.

on a side note, DH is not going to know what to think, either... "uh, hunny, you know that test that i said was positive and then it wasn't... well, it is again."

he'll probably say that this baby is as bad at making up his mind as mommy!

I may do it in the am - but what if it's negative...
/// ok, so most of you POAS addicts don't think about that, and I admit, I could be an addict too... but I will be honest... THIS is my mosted hated time of the month... not AF, not the 2ww, not waiting to O...

the uncertainty that my body has once again screwed up, and I may or may not be PG. AF might decide to come when she gets off of her damn coffee break. ///

Time flies

Apr. 5th, 2005 09:25 pm
lyssac: (journal)

Someone posted over at IDOB about how it can be like a slap in the face sometimes to see women that you have rooted for and struggled together with TTC approaching the end of their pregnancy and/or giving birth.

It can be really hard sometimes. I actually read a lot of the due date buddy boards at the beginning of each month (until the next cycle gets started) and read and sometimes comment in general pregnancy.

Occasionally, I will see a post from someone that I saw get their BFP and they will be significamtly along in their pregnancy and it will shock the heck out of me that so much time has passed.

I'm still here, and still waiting, and it sucks.

I wish everyone the best, but I would like my turn, too.

Experimental Chemistry

Apr. 5th, 2005 02:10 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

I am 12dpo. AF was due today - I have an 10-11 day LP. I also have been having early PG symptoms, but I am not relying on them.

A while back, someone posted at IDOB about the at home blood test and so I tried it...
Read more... )

The Final Countdown...

Apr. 4th, 2005 04:16 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

AF is due tomorrow. My temp actually went up this am, .2 above my highest to date. My temps have been a little weird this month.

I did take a test last night at DH's urging, even though I am only 11dpo. It was negative - I'm not really surprised. It has been a strange few days, though. I am having early pg symptoms - granted they all could have multiple explanations, and likely do mean something else.

Even if AF doesn't show tomorrow, I will have to give her a few days leeway because I have a short LP. FF has me testing tomorrow, but I will probably hold out til Wednesday at least.

... but I think this is going to be my last month actively TTC. I'm not going back to the dr, no more clomid (that doesn't work and just screws me up). I am going to work on losing some weight, getting into a little better shape, fixing up my house, maybe write a book.

I don't know why this is the deadline I set for myself, but I've felt it coming on for a bit. Maybe it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage... maybe it's just time.

I'll probably still hang out here, but I need to stop my baby obsession.

I may or may not chart, but I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe we'll have another surprose... maybe not.

It feels good. That's not to say that I'm not hoping for a BFP this month, but if it doesn't come, I am ready to move on.

I want to thank all of you who have helped support me this past year. You have all meant a lot to me, and I wish you guys luck on your ttc journey.

The continuing saga...

Mar. 29th, 2005 10:39 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

... of the cycle from hell.

TMI Alert )

When I was growing up, the Serenity Prayer was one of my favorite things... it's running through my head this morning... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

On a related note, I did notice that my tempature is lower on days when I have the heat on in the bedroom and higher when it is not. However, the 97.7, 97.8, 97.9 temps of the weekend are typical of my post-O shift. The fallback rise is even pretty normal for me, but I still wouldn't put money on whether I O'd or when.

No Joy

Mar. 15th, 2005 10:37 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

The clomid is really not working for me. I am on CD21 and still no O again this month. I am upset. My gyn is supportive, but really not what I need. I don't think there is an RE nearby, and most likely not in-network for my insurance. It is so frustrating.

At home sperm analysis, Take 2

Feb. 27th, 2005 09:18 am
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)

Well, I did DH's second test today and it was most definately positive, no question. We are going to go with this for now. I know that I will have to see an RE eventually, and DH will get checked out then. Besides, I am in favor of skipping straight to IVF when we finally take that step. I think it is going to be necessary.

Another poster at IDOB said this about the test:
"I wanted to post my experience with those home sperm test kits. My DH did both tests back in November. Both tests turned dark blue, as in positive for above 20 million count. A week after the test, DH had a professional SA at the hospital and the count came back 2.5 million (in addition to really low motility and 0 morphology). So we got a false positive. I have heard some women on Fertility Friend's Male Infertility board speak of false negatives. So they are extremely unreliable and hard to read also."

So caveat emptor....