Beautifully Irrational

Today starts the 30 posts in 30 days blogathon, and already, I fail. Well, I did remember to post today, so, I guess that's one thing, but I can't think of what to say.

Ironically, today is also the first day of National Novel Writing Month. This is the first time since 2004 that I haven't made an attempt to participate (though, that, like everything else you see here, is subject to change.

I'm kind of depressed about my approaching graduation, which is weird. I am so behind on my homework that I'm going to fail, if I don't get my butt it gear, and yet, I can't seem to do it. I also have not paid this semester's tuition, nor, can I afford to, and we are on the very edge of getting evicted for not paying our rent. We are so broke and the job I interviewed for (that I need to graduate for) fell through. Not, that they hired someone elso... The job just went away.

*sigh* Even I don't want to be around me, I am so depressing.

Trying something new... I am still looking for something that will get me inspired to write something more than a snippet or drabblish type thing.

I think I am dealing with a minor depression and it's not great. I don't know what to do about it though. School starts up in just about a week. I am actually looking forward to that. I have even had some good news on that front. First, i found my textbook used for about $20, instead of $80. I also went in to talk with a financial aid counselor about the missed deadline, and he said that they can't deny me the Pell Grant that I had already been awarded, and hey, we have some extra non-traditional student grant money - why don't you have some... So instead of having to pay ~$700 this week, I only have to pay ~250 by the end of next month. That was my good news the other day.

Also, Leland has picked up some work at the college for the camps they are running. Right now, it is all going to pay the back premiums on his insurance from when he was off, so no pay and no unemployment, but our insurance won't get cancelled, and as soon as he is caught up that will be a little more money. Also, I got our tax return yesterday (finally) and was able to catch up on all of our bills. It's completely gone now, but my rent is up to date, so I figure that's fair. I am still hoping for our state return and that federal bonus everyone got last month.

As for the something new... Inspired by hp_tarot on IJ, I am thinking of using tarot cards/readings to influence my writing. I may use some of the various tarot/divination decks that I have at home, or the suggested on-line ones:

Façade.com
http://www.facade.com/tarot/

Llewellyn Web Tarot
http://www.llewellyn.com/free/tarot.php


Ok - so that's kind of scary... I drew a reading using the Llewellyn site, specifically for writing, thinking only about possible stories, and got a reading that can only be about myself and what's going on with me. It's too, too weird. Maybe this is why I am so blocked. may need to meditate on this and see what I can do to free up some creative energy.

Happy Solstice...

I spent the afternoon photographing microscopic sections of Cricket Testis. How was your day?

With two days left to the deadline, I am considering another attempt at NaNoWriMo. It seems foolish as I am 0 for 3, and I have less time than ever lately, but I have faced the fact that as much as I love writing and the idea of being a writer, I don't do the "work" of being a writer. I write as inspiration takes, and many times a story doesn't make it from my head to the page even then, or I scribble down my outlines and plot ideas and they go nowhere, as if once the initial spark of inspiration is extinguished, I am unable to prop up the frame of the plot with support structures of words and chapters, let alone the decorative details of sub-plots and plot twists. I tell a fairly straight forward tale, or character vignettes capturing the moment, but if it doesn't flow seamlessly from my head to my fingers, I don't really know what to do, how to write.

I think I can fix it. I could even be a very good writer, but it is so difficult to work at it, when there are so many distractions and responsibilities pulling at me. I think it's just time to put up or shut up, and I think that's what NaNo means for me.

Of course, I'm a gemini, so I'm still wavering in my resolve.

Hey, everyone. This move is going well, and is almost finished. I am starting to settle in nicely at my new place, and have finally got internet at my new place. It's kind of glitchy, though, and keeps losing dial-tone. I am having a second line installed tomorrow, and since I will wire that jack with new wire, instead of the existing, hopefully that will take care of things.

Still no high-speed though. Guess that's what I get for living outside of town. I am still crawling along at 24-28kps. I need to explore alternatives, such as sattelite, but not until I know what Dh's employment situation is for the summer. Since he works at the college, and doesn't have seniority, he might be layed off for the summer. We won't know until next week.

One interesting thing about the move, is that I have come across a number of notebooks from years past. Some have missing chapters of some of my WIPs, some have outlines of stories that I worked up and never wrote, others are stories that I started and then abandoned for various reasons. It's quite interesting to read through some of them. Even if the writing isn't the best, I think the ideas are solid, and am interested in possibly trying to complete some of them.

I actually have a bunch of WIPs that I really would like to complete, but it really is so hard to get back into a story after that initial rush of inspiration. The actuall 'work' of writing is my weakness, and probably what is holding me back from becoming a professional writer, as I would like to be. I do pretty good with inspiration, and writing in great rushes, but I fail at sitting down and writing, just to write, or producing something on a regular basis, or expanding on my word counts beyond the central idea or image.

Despite knowing where I am going wrong (and seeing improvement on these issues over the last few years) I am really not sure whatto actually *do* about it.

I also have a new fandom love. I recently caught up on two new shows, Bones and Supernatual. I don't know why I didn't watch Bones from the beginning, as it is exactly the type of fiction that I prefer (and I've even read Kathy Reichs' books). I love it, but really, I have been blown away by Supernatual. The beginning was alright, though interesting, but by the end of the first season, I was hooked. The previously on... at the beginning of episode 21 to the tune of 'Carry On, My Wayward Son', totally Rocked and blew me away. I was singing that for days, and it still makes me smile. The latest episode, Heart... man... this show is awesome. I wish I had paid attention sooner, but then, I couldn't have mainlined almost two seasons.

Comment - let me know if I missed anything that I should see... Miss you guys.

later.

So far, the score is (NoNoWriMo 50,000 - me 0), I have no clue where to start, and all of the wonderful ideas that I have had in the last six weeks have fled the country. I'll give it 'til the weekend until I consider it a lost cause - because, hey, I may get wonderfully inspired tonight.

Though, I think that at least part of my lack of creativity has a physical cause, and I'm not making that up as an excuse. I am exhausted. I am normally an insomniac, but I am currently sleeping for way too many hours each day. I wake up to use the bathroom, or because I am starving, possibly play on the computer a bit, and then go back to bed. I have been mostly off of my meds since my miscarriage two months ago, and I think my diabetes is wreaking havoc on my system (I recently found a bottle of metformin that I had previously filled and began taking it again, but am out of insulin). I have got to go back to the doctor. I was waiting for DH to get insurance at his new job, as they told him would happen after 30 days, but now they say that he has to wait for a slot to open up. I should make the appointment to go to Memphis, but I hate dealing with them, and they will give me sh!t for not having been able to go before now.

I also signed up for yuletide, because despite my writing drought, individual pieces are actually somewhat inspiring, where my novel is only daunting. I did a survey last night of the offers and requests to date, and found that I had the following probability of being assigned a request in the fandoms I offerred for (# of requests - mine, if I made one / total number of offers). Of course, this is subject to change, based on whether or not the figures I used are accurate, and the fact that lots more people have probably signed up since last night.

Beverly Hills 90210 - 20%
Bound - 0%
The Breakfast Club - 10.4%
Bring it On - 11.1%
Dark Angel - 28.9%
Dead Poets Society - 10%
Dogma - 3.6%
Fame (movie) - 0%
Friends - 5.9%
Heathers - 0%
Josie and the Pussycats (movie) - 12.5%
Lone Gunmen - 27.2%
Real Genius - 11.1%
Silk Stalkings - 16.7%
Space Camp - 16.7%
Top Gun - 7.1%
Toy Soldiers - 28.6%
Law and Order universe - 45% (However, I only volunteered for SVU chaacters.)

edited after sign-ups closed to reflect total requests

Totally useless, information, I'm sure, but I like numbers, and I am interested to see what I get assigned and what I can do with it. I actually like ficathons, even when I am completely lost by the prompt, I generally perform well under pressure (contrary to the evidence of NaNo hell).

I also have to work on a letter to my Yuletide author, because that seems a nice thing to do, and I get to natter on about what I like to read and such, and a girl likes to get something for Christmas. (Right now, I am sincerely hoping to save up $400 for the after Thanksgiving sale at Wal-Mart to get a new laptop computer that I most definitely need.)

I also have some work to do on the RP community that I joined - Honestly, I have been so dead for like the last six days. Sunday, I got a few chores done, winterizing the house and such, and yesterday, I dressed up, and hung out at the college while DH worked and then went to Rocky Horror and then came home and crashed, other than a brief period this am, until about two hours ago. I am not kidding about the exhaustion, bit. (It was a nice Halloween though, and DH and I won a dozen free movie passes, between us, in the costume contest.)

I don't know - I am going to keep trying to write. Maybe, I'll write 50,000 words of fic, and just have to be happy with that.