Beautifully Irrational

I swear I'm going to end up one of those crazy ladies with a hysterical pregnancy like that chick on Grey's Anatomy.

I posted over the weekend/Monday or sometime about how I was having weird pregnancy symptoms/premonitions even though I was barely past ovulation and knew it was impossible. Today my breasts are killing me. I'm only 5dpo. I'm not that crazy yet. I know it's all in my mind, but dammit.

On top of that, I had a doctor's visit today because I've been having problems with my diabetes. I told her that I wasn't "trying" but I wasn't "not trying" either. She told me not to get pregnant right now, because of my health and the stress of my current financial situation. I know all of that in my head, and really, it's been quite a while since I was this "baby crazy". I don't know where my head is at.

So, I went to the VA last Friday. I decided to bypass the ER and go straight to the Women's clinic to see if they could get me in. After sitting there and being ignored for most of an hour (they were busy), I pressed the issue and they said, that no, I should go to the ER, because they weren't able to see walk-ins, and even if they did, there was no guarantee that they would get my lab results back before the end of the day. Before I left, I did make sure to scheduele follow up appointments for the next available day (which was April 19th - 6 weeks away), which actually turned out to be pretty good foresight when it came to dealing with the ER and convincing them that I was serious about dealing with my problems.

( Cut for boring personal details )

Anyway, I am feeling better.

Wish me luck. We can't really afford it, but we are driving to Memphis today to go to the VA. My diabetes is really out of control and now I have a really bad UTI, and the symptoms are only getting worse. I am hoping that I will be able to see someone and get some antibiotics, insulin, and birth control pills. The Women's clinic is pretty deserted on Fridays though, and the ER will probably refer me down there. They'll probably try to refer me for an appointment, but Friday is the only day that my husband doesn't work, and it can take months to get an appointment through normal channels. I just hope that someone will see me today and help me. I hate going there and getting screwed around, but I have been having bad symptoms for almost a month and I can't take it any more.


On a better note, I haven't been around livejournal much this week, because I've been working on Heliopolis. The database for Helio2 is almost complete, and I have minions people working on helping me get the last bits sorted and validated. It should be ready in a couple of day. Only the main archive is left. I'm about cross-eyed from looking at code and database information.

So far, the score is (NoNoWriMo 50,000 - me 0), I have no clue where to start, and all of the wonderful ideas that I have had in the last six weeks have fled the country. I'll give it 'til the weekend until I consider it a lost cause - because, hey, I may get wonderfully inspired tonight.

Though, I think that at least part of my lack of creativity has a physical cause, and I'm not making that up as an excuse. I am exhausted. I am normally an insomniac, but I am currently sleeping for way too many hours each day. I wake up to use the bathroom, or because I am starving, possibly play on the computer a bit, and then go back to bed. I have been mostly off of my meds since my miscarriage two months ago, and I think my diabetes is wreaking havoc on my system (I recently found a bottle of metformin that I had previously filled and began taking it again, but am out of insulin). I have got to go back to the doctor. I was waiting for DH to get insurance at his new job, as they told him would happen after 30 days, but now they say that he has to wait for a slot to open up. I should make the appointment to go to Memphis, but I hate dealing with them, and they will give me sh!t for not having been able to go before now.

I also signed up for yuletide, because despite my writing drought, individual pieces are actually somewhat inspiring, where my novel is only daunting. I did a survey last night of the offers and requests to date, and found that I had the following probability of being assigned a request in the fandoms I offerred for (# of requests - mine, if I made one / total number of offers). Of course, this is subject to change, based on whether or not the figures I used are accurate, and the fact that lots more people have probably signed up since last night.

Beverly Hills 90210 - 20%
Bound - 0%
The Breakfast Club - 10.4%
Bring it On - 11.1%
Dark Angel - 28.9%
Dead Poets Society - 10%
Dogma - 3.6%
Fame (movie) - 0%
Friends - 5.9%
Heathers - 0%
Josie and the Pussycats (movie) - 12.5%
Lone Gunmen - 27.2%
Real Genius - 11.1%
Silk Stalkings - 16.7%
Space Camp - 16.7%
Top Gun - 7.1%
Toy Soldiers - 28.6%
Law and Order universe - 45% (However, I only volunteered for SVU chaacters.)

edited after sign-ups closed to reflect total requests

Totally useless, information, I'm sure, but I like numbers, and I am interested to see what I get assigned and what I can do with it. I actually like ficathons, even when I am completely lost by the prompt, I generally perform well under pressure (contrary to the evidence of NaNo hell).

I also have to work on a letter to my Yuletide author, because that seems a nice thing to do, and I get to natter on about what I like to read and such, and a girl likes to get something for Christmas. (Right now, I am sincerely hoping to save up $400 for the after Thanksgiving sale at Wal-Mart to get a new laptop computer that I most definitely need.)

I also have some work to do on the RP community that I joined - Honestly, I have been so dead for like the last six days. Sunday, I got a few chores done, winterizing the house and such, and yesterday, I dressed up, and hung out at the college while DH worked and then went to Rocky Horror and then came home and crashed, other than a brief period this am, until about two hours ago. I am not kidding about the exhaustion, bit. (It was a nice Halloween though, and DH and I won a dozen free movie passes, between us, in the costume contest.)

I don't know - I am going to keep trying to write. Maybe, I'll write 50,000 words of fic, and just have to be happy with that.

I met with the Ob today. He's in the same practice as my old one, but I like him a lot better. (I am slightly less impressed with his nurse, though - the old one was great).

We talked over my options, and I have schedueled a D/C for Wednesday. We didn't really bother redoing my tests, once he explained my ultrasound results. There was no heartbeat, and only about a weeks worth of growth since the last ultrasound, which was a month ago. It's... *shrugs*

I've come to accept it, and chose the d/c this time, instead of waiting on mother nature as I did last time. Last time, it only took like a week or two for me to miscarry and then a little over a week of heavy bleeding. This time it has already been a month, and I am only spotting. Also, I don't know how to describe the feeling of walking around with your child inside of you, knowing that it is not growing or thriving, but is, in fact, dead. It's a tough burden, and I am ready for this to be over.

Apparently, I have some health issues to resolve, and the dr is adament about me being on birth control for a while. He thinks there is a problem with my blood sugar control and my blood pressure was slightly high on Saturday, which I had attributed to stress, and even higher today. He is concerned.

I am still thinking over what to do next, but right now, my plan is to get healthy and employed. Maybe a baby just isn't in the cards.

I was going to write this weekend about the dinner we went to Saturday, but didn't get a chance. Saturday night was my husband's employer's yearly company banquet thing. There were lots of door prizes, but we didn't win one this year. We did have some pictures taken that I will post here in about three weeks, when we get them back.

I was happy and starting to feel more confident about the baby, but I was running a fever yesterday and tonight I started spotting again. I am trying to take things carefully, but I don't know what else to do...

There is some good news... both of my blood sugars today were below 100!

As soon as my pork roast finishes cooking, I am going to eat dinner and go to bed.

I didn't post yesterday, but it was a yucky day. The mood swings were pretty bad and I felt really stressed. Money is so tight, especially when having to pay an unexpected $200 to the doctor.

It's also hard because I am at a weird stage where I know that I am pregnant, but I don't *feel* pregnant. I have put on some weight (a few lbs), which I shouldn't be at this stage, but I have very few symptoms, no discernible bulge yet (even if my breasts seem huge). It will be better after my ultrasound, but I really feel the need for some tangible proof.

Also, I increased my insulin by quite a bit yesterday and my evening sugar was still higher than in a week (but it was awesome this morning). I know it was because I only had broth for lunch yesterday and then had too many carbs with dinner, instead of a steady intake - but it was really upsetting.

*sigh* I hope it will work out. I know that it will, but it just gets a bit overwhelming at times. There is so much to do and to buy and bills to pay - and then there is a baby to take care of for the rest of its life. This is the greatest blessing that I have ever received, but it is an awesome responsibility too.....

I saw my endocrinologist today. Everything went really well. My sugar is high, but coming down. He told me to increase my insulin "aggressively" for the next three weeks, and to get it down before I come back to see him. I scheduled my next appointment for the same day as my ob appt (April Fool's Day :)

Well, I saw the doctor today and everything went really well. He decided to wait on the U/S - but just two weeks.

I'm only just over six weeks along, and if my cycle calculations are off - it wouldn't show much anyway.

He did confirm by blood test and physical exam that I am indeed pregnant - and while I did know that, it feels different to hear it from him, you know?

He seems like a good dr and I look forward to working with him.

I do have to go to the endocrinologist on Monday though... he is worried about my blood sugar. (I have diabetes related to my insulin resistance PCOS.)

I am really happy, though, and some of my worries have been eased.