Beautifully Irrational

... of the cycle from hell.

( TMI Alert )

When I was growing up, the Serenity Prayer was one of my favorite things... it's running through my head this morning... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

On a related note, I did notice that my tempature is lower on days when I have the heat on in the bedroom and higher when it is not. However, the 97.7, 97.8, 97.9 temps of the weekend are typical of my post-O shift. The fallback rise is even pretty normal for me, but I still wouldn't put money on whether I O'd or when.

The clomid is really not working for me. I am on CD21 and still no O again this month. I am upset. My gyn is supportive, but really not what I need. I don't think there is an RE nearby, and most likely not in-network for my insurance. It is so frustrating.

Well, I did DH's second test today and it was most definately positive, no question. We are going to go with this for now. I know that I will have to see an RE eventually, and DH will get checked out then. Besides, I am in favor of skipping straight to IVF when we finally take that step. I think it is going to be necessary.

Another poster at IDOB said this about the test:

"I wanted to post my experience with those home sperm test kits. My DH did both tests back in November. Both tests turned dark blue, as in positive for above 20 million count. A week after the test, DH had a professional SA at the hospital and the count came back 2.5 million (in addition to really low motility and 0 morphology). So we got a false positive. I have heard some women on Fertility Friend's Male Infertility board speak of false negatives. So they are extremely unreliable and hard to read also."

So caveat emptor....

We bought one of those kits (Baby Start) and I did the test yesterday for DH. It measures sperm count, +/- 20 mil, (A regular SA checks several factors: count, motility, morphology, viscosity). It gives us a place to start.

It cost us $20 (for two tests). I've seen them most places for $30.

Those things are d@mn hard to read. It is a qualitative test - like an OPK, it has to be the same or darker than the control.

I think it was the same - it was really close. There is a second test included in the kit, and we'll do it this weekend...

My opinion - DH really needs to see a urologist, because there are so many other things that can be wrong too. I KNOW I have problems, and can't get pregnant - DH is like //I'm probably fine, after all, I did get you pregnant at least twice // that's true, but as enlightened as DH is, he doesn't want to hear that he might have a problem...

((( I also want him to see the urologist because he has trouble "finishing" sometimes... ))) - let's air it all, shall we?

I'm doing what I can to make myself ovulate so we can catch the egg, and he is really supportive, but it is really hard.

Anyway I don't know if we will actually get any useful info from this test, but it can't hurt, right?

Just a quick update - I am pretty sure AF is on her way. I am crampy, and my creamy CM has blood in it. My CP is high and soft. my temps are still above the CL, but have dropped.

Oh well, another cycle will begin.

ok, excuse the profanity, but that is my state of mind right now....

I might be pregnant. I'm not ready to say that I am for sure, so I'm not posting this with my fingers crossed. I am so shocked.

( long rambling entry )

I know that it's not likely, but this is the f#cking rollercoaster of infertility. Somebody, please stop the ride, I want to get off.

Believe it or not, I am feeling better. The girls at IDOB and just venting both helped. I don't know yet what I am going to do, but instead of a 2ww, I have a few weeks to think about things and relax. (yeah, good luck with that) I think that will be good, and give me time to think about what I want to do.

Well, looks like I am out of it already this month. I'm only on CD17, but I have enough experience to know that this cycle was a bust.... I didn't O, even with the clomid. I'll go in Friday for my progesterone test, to be sure, but I'm not starting the suppositories today like I was supposed to.

It will still be a long wait before I can try again. Even if the test from Friday proves I didn't ovulate, I will have to wait another two weeks before they consider provera to bring on my cycle.

That happened in my Oct-Dec cycle, but because we were planning the adoption and stuff, I ended up not taking it, and letting AF eventually come on her own.

I think I might do that this time too. I REALLY want a baby, and REALLY want to be PG right now, but I am stressed with the TTC stuff.

I don't just take clomid a couple of days a month - I am taking meds or testing or something once or twice a day, for just about every day of my cycle. If you thought charting was bad for promoting obsession with your body... I don't ever get to not think about it.

I think I need a break. DH has been saying so, too. I don't know if I am ready for another treatment cycle right now, but I guess I'll have time to think about it and whether I need a longer break.

I thinking I am in one of those mourning phases again, where I am about to accept this and move on...

Except, that's where I was last year this time, and then I got pregnant. My only problem with that scenario, is that because of my irregular cycles, I was 6 weeks pg before I figured it out last time - and shortly thereafter, I started having problems. They also say that progesterone suppliments are only helpful if you start taking them right after O and by 6 weeks or so, it is too late. That could mean that I end up in the same position all over again.

Dammit, why can't I just have a baby already.

Yeah, I'd like to reserve October 25th as my due date.... what do you think. Will it work?

I'm only on CD1 of course, but I checked out my chart on Ovusoft. If this cycle goes the same as last, but I manage to get pregnant, my EDD will be October 25th. That is the exact date that I was due last year, before my miscarriage....

So maybe, it's like renting a hall, and I have to reserve a place amoungst the October mommies.

Anyone else want to sign up?

My blood test was negative. I stopped the progesterone, and am waiting for AF, so that I can start another cycle. I am starting to spot, so I figure it will be the next day or two.

This makes my cycle really long, since my dr doesn't do the blood test until CD35, and apparently, I won't start until I stop the suppliments, which I can't do until after the test.

I have been cramping quite a bit and my breasts are starting to be sore again, but my HPT was neg as of 16dpo, so I think it is just my body trying to have AF, but unable to because of the progesterone. I am ready for this cycle to be over and am cursing my drs 35 day policy.

Last week, I had a bunch of symptoms (thanks to the oh-so-lovely progesterone supliments), but now that AF is late, nothing....

My HPT was neg this morning, and AF, is stilll a no show. I schedueled a blood test for Friday, if she is still absent by then.

But other than being tired, I fell tons better, even my breasts don't hurt any more. *sigh*

So now, I am in limbo, waiting for AF, so that I can start another cycle.

I broke down and tested yesterday, and of course it was BFN. I thought I had a dr appt this week, and I was going to get my blood test then, but turns out the appt isn't until next week. I'll have to call my ob/gyn and tell them abput my mistake and ask them what to do.

If anyone can answer a question about progesterone suppliments for me, I would appreciate it:
I am 13 dpo and using progesterone suppositories bid. Will AF come, even if I am still taking them? I know if you are taking provera or something like that, you stop it and then AF comes, but what about the suppositories? Basically, am I prolonging the wait (my agony), if I am not PG?

ETA: Apparently, it varies. Some women will still get AF. In my case, my progesterone is so low, I have to stop them first.

AF was due for me today, but she's a no show. Of course, I am only 11dpo.

DH asked me again this am to test, but I keep putting it off. I told him maybe Monday. He said that I had told him that I would do it tomorrow.

(I used to think he wasn't much into this TTC thing, but I have found the last few months that is totally not true.... )

I think I'm scared of that stick. I have my excuse for my symptoms (progesterone), and I am totally freaked by the idea of finding out whether I am actually pg or not. I think I don't want my hopes to be shot down. Maybe, I just like secretly believing that I am pregnant, while pretending that I'm not....

And even if I am - I still have 2 months til I would be out of the first trimester. That seems like forever.... but that is the imaginary goal that I have set for myself. I don't trust the first u/s or the heartbeat, or any of that, because I had that before....

Maybe, I can hibernate and wake up 4 mos pregnant. What do you think? I'd still get to experience most of it, and wouldn't have as many of the worries.

I am only obsessing a little bit this month.... I have some symptoms, but I am prefacing any statement about them with the disclaimer that it could very well be the hormones. As a matter of fact - that's my excuse for everything this month.

Progesterone can cause PMS like symptoms, including mood swings, to which my DH will attest and wholehardly agree. We both had a good laugh yesterday afternoon, when, a little while after I had explained to him my theory that "it's the hormones" is the proper response to most questions, we were walking into K-Mart. He looked over and asked me while I was smiling. I shrugged and said, "it's the hormones" - really, I had no reason, just had a sudden little rush of endorphins. It was still quite amusing.

The second thing that is weird is that I am so tired during the late afternoon. Twice this week, I almost fell asleep in public, I was so sleepy. I need a nap. However, come night time, I am hard pressed to get comfortable and fall asleep (but eventualy am getting sufficient amount).

This unrest can also be because I have to pee almost every hour.I am diabetic and drink a lot of water, but this is excessive, even for me.

I told my DH this morning, "I better be pregnant with your kid." He said, "Of course, it's mine. You don't go anywhere." I growled at him.

I also yelled at him last night. His offense - he touched my breasts. Ow! They are really sore, especially in the nipples, but not really to the touch, just in general - a feeling similiar to extremely dry skin or something. Of course, I grew almost a cup size by the time I was 6 weeks pregnant last time. This could also just be a pms symptom.

Just a few more days and I will begin testing. I guess I'll know for sure within a week. I already have a blood test schedueled, if AF doesn't show up before then.

I got my 21-day pregesterone level results back Wed - 20.5 woohoo! a huge leap from last months 0.7....

So, yeah, I did ovulate (yes, virginia, there is a santa claus)

I went into the dr, today, though, because i was having some troubling symptoms, and wasn't sure what was up...

He told me to avoid any strenuous activity, that it could be from ovarian stimulation. While my ovaries aren't really enlarged (or no more than usual) my body isn't used to ovulating.

Of course, after he said that, I said that the discomfort had been worse when I when to bed last night, and we had DTD... :: sigh ::

I am only 9dpo, and as such in that limbo that even if I might be, I am not officially pregnant. Is he being over cautious, or is this par for the course with someone with my history of recurrent miscarriages, and ovarian problems.... he did put me on pelvic rest at the first sign of problems last pregnancy.

Any advice?

but hey, honestly, I will do what ever it takes to bring a healthy baby to term... I hope this month is it for us.

A gyn once told me that even if you do everything right and BD at the right time, you only have a 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 shot of actually getting pregnant (this figure may include early losses). That is why they say to give it at least 6 months.

That is really sucky for those of us who don't ovulate, or rely on medications to induce ovulation.... even if we do everything "right" it still may not work for us.


It's enough to make you want to scream. The hormones are kicking my a$$ this month, I am hoping that it means I am pg, but uuugghh!

Uhh, I feel sick. My progesterone suppliments are making me cramp and nauseous. The nurse said that she had heard similar complaints before.

Also, I am so tired. I practically fell asleep in Hastings at about 4:30 this afternoon, slept the whole way home in the car and then took a four hour nap. (Because of DH's scheduele, we don't usually get up before 10am.)I am exhausted.

All of this started Saturday, slightly, but gets worse each day. Also, DH says my mood swings are bad - I believe him.

It's like a combination of pregnancy and PMS all rolled up into one, times ten.

I hope that I get pregnant soon, because I am hating these treatments.

Monday, I go in for my progesterone blood test to confirm ovulation. I am pretty sure it will be good, as I had a positive OPK last Sunday. I have been on some form of medication or testing, everyday this cycle (or twice a day) it seems. I hope that it is all doing something.

I have another week to ten days before I will know, one way or the other (provided I get good results from Monday's blood work). My fingers are crossed.