Beautifully Irrational

Well, it's two weeks later - and we survived....

We got the van running again. It was a dead battery and horrible connections. We also found out that the car may be an easy/inexpensive fix. We're looking into it.

The place we bought the cars from is weird, though. The owners just went through a nasty divorce. Each one got one of our contracts. We aren't happy in one case, but it's managable.

Our kitchen sink is still not working, but our heating issues have been resolved, especially since it has been unseasonably warm recently.

We got the phone fixed, and our money situation ended up not as dire as I predicted. I am really relieved about that. it's still tight and will be for a bit, but we can manage. (We're still hoping to win the powerball...)

Thanks for the positive vibes....... and a happy new year to you all.

This is so not my time of year. I am currently living in a "if it can go wrong, it will" environment.

Money is extremely tight. We have more bills than income, even though DH has a good job. One of the reasons is our continued vehicle problems. The new van we bought 2 weeks ago died today with no warning. We think it's just the battery and are going to get a new one tomorrow. However, DH had to call into work, because he had no transportation, and he got into trouble for calling in late (because the car worked fine earlier in the day - and not when he had to go to work).
We currently have 4 vehicles here (1 we want to sell, and one that belongs to DH grandparents) and ALL of them have mechanical problems and don't run.

The adoption that we have been working on - not happening. We got screwed over, and no babies for us.

Our kichen sink is and has been backed up - I put drain cleaner down it, we took the pipes out underthe sink, we put sulferic acid tonight - no luck. Guy at Lowe's says it's probbly septic system, which our landlord is SO not going to want to hear.

Our phone isn't working correctly. The signal gets to the box, and the house is wired correctly (we checked) so we have a bad box at the post, but I mised my paymentr on the phonebill Friday, since DISH Network deducted their payment 2 weeks early this month, so I am wary about calling them. Who knows how long it is going to take them to come out, anyway.... especially with the holidays.

And we had to take our new heater back to Wal-Mart today to get money to pay a bill. Now it's cold here again. I can't win.

So, yeah, i am a litte depressed and a whole lot stressed. I just wish that things would get better. I could really use a merry christmas and a happy new year.

The birth mother of our triplets is 21 weeks 3 days pregnant as of today. She is due April 16.

From the start, the dr told her that they would probably be born the end of Feb, or the beginning or middle of March. Well, she informed us this morning that the doctor said they might come as early as next month (January), because they have already dropped. She is pretty tiny, and they are just running out of room in there.

She isn't on bedrest or anything, (though she does have a sit down job). I know that the babies aren't really a priority for her. She is hating everything about being pregnant, but I am so worried about these little ones.

We knew that there was a good chance that they would be early, but we were holding out for 3 March at least. at this point 3 February would be a miracle. I am really scared. I know DH is too.

The sad thing is that we have absolutely no control over this. :'(

I am upset and worried right now. Dh works on a point system at work, and he has too many, due to car problems that we had over the summer. It takes 6 months for them to roll off. Technically, right now, he has enough to be fired.

His next point rolls off just after the New Year. We are hoping with the holidays and them being short-handed that they won't do anything about it. This is the last thing we need right now.

What really p*sses me off, is that it isn't even his fault. Someone else was supposed to work overtime, and they took a point rather than stay over. Dh knew this, but they didn't tell him that he had to stay in that guys place. The crewing coordinator didn't say anything to him when he left on time.

One of the supervisers was there and so was DH when the other guy said he wasn't staying, and says that DH should have known he had to stay, and since he didn't, he got the point. That is so not fair.

We have so many bills, and the adoption in the works. I don't know what would happen if he lost this job. if nothing else, we need his insurance. :: sigh ::

Wish us luck.

On the baby front - The official due date is April 16, so anytime before then we should have our little ones. DH is going down to meet with the mom this weekend. She is going to give us the ultrasound picture and some baby stuff that she has collected for us.


I'm still waiting to hear back from the dr's office about what I need to do before I can start my next round of treatments.

Well, yesterday sucked, but turned out ok. We couldn't get our car to run. It starts fine, and will idle, but as soon as you give it some gas it dies. we think that either the fuel filter is clogged from bad gas, or all of the recent rain resulted in water getting into the tank.

We have another car that we had planned on using as a trade-in on our van when we got it, but yesterday when we went up to start it, to take it in, we found out thst someone stole our battery! It wasn't going anywhere.

We finally paid a neighbor to drive us to the car lot and ended up putting a down payment on a mini van instead. It's not great. We have to replace the thermostat, but they knocked $1500 off of the price for us. That was pretty good. We have the van we need for the triplets now, but have two car payments to make.

Our car died last night, which totally sucks. I really liked this car, but it seems like we have the worst luck. We did manage to make it home, though. I don't know what is wrong with it. It will turn over, but then the check engine light comes on and it dies. blah.

So, I am going to see about getting a minivan today. Going to try to work some magic and get this all settled before DH has to get to work this afternoon.

We so cannot afford this right now. :: sigh ::

I need a new mechanic friend.... (They can be very helpful, especially after the number of times we have gotten ripped of going to garages here in town.) I hope we can get our car fixed - and soon - and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg - because, really, I haven't any to spare.

On the baby watch update... we found out that we are having 3 boys. WOW! I really would have liked a little girl, but I am not disappointed. I am trying to wrap my mind around the concept of three little ones. It is amaing, and I am giddy.

So not only are there three babies, we won't be waiting as long as we thought for them either. Her estimated due date has been moved up to April, with the babies possibly coming at the end of February or in March - That means I have only 3 months to get everything in order.............

That's so crazy (and expensive), but I am so looking forward to having those little ones here with us.

A positive FYI: It only takes 11 days to finalize an adoption in Arkansas, and a birth father can pre-consent to the adoption.

Well, at least I had some good news yesterday. Today wasn't so good. I got my bloodwork back from last week. I had to take a 21-day progesterone test, to see if I ovulated on the fertility meds. I knew that I hadn't but still....

My levels were low, very low. I didn't get a number - but hey, figure pretty much non-existent. My doctor has no hope of me getting my period this month, and figures that I will have to use Provera to bring it on, so that I can try this all over again.

I didn't have to ask about upping the meds though (which I wanted). The nurse kindly informed me that there was no other option.

Apparantly, not only did I fail this round of treatment, I did so quite spectacularly. Yeah me (:: insert sarcasm::)

I've been quiet the last few weeks, not because i haven't had anything to say, but mostly because I have been "processing" stuff. I went through my first round of fertility drugs and it is looking like a big fat waste of time. Suddenly, though, I'm not so upset about that any more.

For several weeks now, my Dh and I have been pursuing the option of adoption, with a young woman we know that is pregnant. We have an agreement in place, but I am tentative about telling anyone, because it is still early enough that anything can happen. I don't think I will feel completely secure until they are in my arms and the papers are signed. That's right - they - she just found out this afternoon that she is expecting TRIPLETS !!!

I am almost hysterical, I am so happy. She is adamant about not splitting them up, which is fine by me... We were joking with her this morning, when she informed us that it was twins "or more" that we'd take 6. (We don't really want six, but mind you, who honestly does, until they are blessed with them. ) Three is perfectly fine by me.

We don't have an exact due date yet, but it is looking like mid-May, which probably means mid-April. That's good because it gives us time to get settled and such - and if I do happen to get pregnant in the next few months (yes, we are going to keep trying until our six months are up), then the triplets will be about six months old when the newborn comes.

I am ecstatic! We have so much stuff to get still, now. I had a lot of stuff for one baby, but nowhere enough for 3.... Oh boy! and diapers and bottles, and formula.... Neither cloth nor disposables seems like a viable option for three babies, so we will probably have to go with some combination thereof. Breastfeeding (which I had planned for my own) isn't really an option, so lots of formula then... and clothes and cribs and strollers and car seats, and a new mini-van for the car seats. WOW!!!!!!!

Wish us luck.

I am a hybrid of: Girl Next Door Progressive Girl Click on the pictures below to read more: Take the 'What Kind of Girl Are You?' quiz at CookingToHookup.com

Which is funny really, because the girl next door bit is so off-base about my personality, except that I am a bit of a homebody (ok, I'm mildly agoraphobic). On the other hand, the progressive bit sounds pretty accurate... oh, well, like I really expected accurate psychological assessment from a ten-question internet quiz. (twenty, maybe ;-)

Being the obsessed 80's girl that I am, of course I had to take this quiz when I saw it on kaz's lj.



I was suprised, at even the ones I missed, I could hear in my head - just couldn't quite get the word, you know, which was funny, because the quiz is partly about singing along with the radio. It's a lot of fun, though, especially if you are a fan of 80's music - but it is waaaay long.

I feel like my life is on hold, held hostage by my fertility. I am in some sort of weird limbo waiting to find out if my period will come or not. Everything seems to be all about whether or not I am pregnant right now, and I can't get it out of my mind. Ididn't waste any money on HPT on Monday - but mostly because I am terrified of getting another Big Fat Negative.

This is so not healthy.... you know, I would almost be ok with not being pregnant, if I knew for sure, ie. my period would come and I would move on to a new cycle, and not be in this limbo.

Symptom update: 1)I was so not hungry today. If increased appetite is a sign, I'm all of the way at the other end.
2)Lelend put on a horror movie while we ate dinner, and I got so nauseous. I still feel sick. Normally, nothing phases me. If I'm not pregnant, I have some sort of flu.

How are you all doing today.... I am continuing my descent into madness.

I called my dr today and the nurse told me that the dr doesn't do blood tests until cd 35 (which I guess would be 1 week past AF due for most people). That kind of sucks.... He did tell me a few weeks ago to come in for one if I went past 35 days, but that was when I thought I wouldn't O.

In some ways he is so old fashioned, in some ways he is really supportive. I guess I just want my own way on everything. I'm 11 dpo and holding, though I managed not to take a HPT today. (Personally, those things are almost more addictive than a cigarette, when you have reason to believe it might possibly tell you what you want to hear. BTW I quit smoking a few weeks ago)

This is a page for family and friends of women dealing with infertility. I urge you to read it.

A Guide to Give To Family and Friends

My body is playing tricks on me. It keeps trying to convince me that I'm pregnant, even though the HPT's I keep taking keep indicating that isn't so. I know part of that is because today is really emotional for me. Today was my due date for my last pregnancy. I've been having problems with that for about the last 6 weeks.

A friend of mine, who used to be close to us, called DH when I was laying in bed during my miscarriage. She had wanted to tell him that she was pregnant, and due about the same time I had been. She gave birth today, on my due date.

At 5 dpo I began to think I might be pregnant (though I know it is impossible to have symptoms that early). I was crampy, twingey, headachey. This was probably because it's been 4 long cycles since I last ovulated on my own. Around day 8, I really started to feel weird. I had some nausea, especially at smells (which could have been low blood sugar, except it recurred at the same time on 9 dpo, and 10 dpo). By the evening on 10 dpo, smells were really exacerbating my nausea. My breasts, or more specifically my nipples, became sore at 8 dpo, though it wasn't extreme and was mostly on my right side. They didn't really hurt, so much as were super sensitive/tight/sore feeling. On 10 dpo, they were a constant irritant and both sides were sore. DH even commented that this doesn't normally occur with my period (it did occur last time I was pregnant). I also noticed that my nipples were darker (they are usually really pale). I am still crampy, twingey in my lower abdomen (worse when I lift things). I have been waking up every 3-4 hours full to bursting, needing to urinate. I am diabetic, but I have pretty good control of my sugar, and this hasn't really been an issue prior to the last few days. As of today, the only other two cycles, that I have ovulated since my miscarriage, both had LP's shorter than this one.

Despite all of these classic pregnancy symptoms, as of the morning of 10 dpo, my pregnancy test was negative. I pretty much expect it to be. I know intellectually that it is too early and that I am not likely to be pregnant, anyway. (I do have problems getting concentrated urine because of my diabetes, but I don't think that's the issue.)

I didn't have symptoms last time I was pregnant. I didn't even test until cd 42 or so. I was absolutely sure that AF was coming any moment. I even told my dr that during my yearly physical (she believed me). So why am I feeling like this? Why is my body acting like this?

I feel pregnant - but I know that if it is too early to test positive, it should be too early to have symptoms. I can tell my self that over and over, but my breasts still hurt, and I'm still nauseous.

I can't take this today, of all days. I don't know what to do.

I'm kind of sad today. Earlier this year, I was expecting my first child. He was due today. He didn't make it. I am currently waiting, once again, to find out if I am now carrying one who will be my "first." ... but it's not the same.

It's been really hard on me emotionally. I imagine that it always will be. For one thing, I am no longer as naive as I was before my loss. I don't think that there will be any day during my next pregnancy where I will ever feel "safe" - not until I hold my, hopefully, healthy child in my arms - and that will just bring a new set of worries. So much can go wrong....

I know that a lot of things go right too - and that is my fondest wish...

I really want to have a baby. I want to be a mom. Today is a really hard day to just be me.

I did something today that I haven't done in four and a half years - I worked. It's off-the-book waitressing. Four hours a day. I felt really good. It's not a lot of money, but it is helpful to our really tight budget.

Health-wise this hasn't been possible before and I hope I can keep it up for a while. If nothing else, it will help pay for next months fertility treatments. Also, since it's off the books, there is no real commitment. Once it gets to be too much, I can quit.

Four hours seems workable... it's long enough to make it worth it, but not so long that I get too worn out physically. What sucks about it, is that some nights Leland can't take me home, so I am stuck in town until after he gets off at midnight.

Ok, I really like my doctor. We don't always agree 100% and he has definite ideas about things, but I really feel like he listens and is supportive.

I went in today to see about starting Clomid....

First of all, the nurse is great, I talked to her the other day about my cycle and about seeing the dr, and she must have written it all down after I left, because they knew what cycle day I was on and everything...

He agreed to start the Clomid and check on my progesterone later, but then changed his mind.

I'm going to take Clomid (50 mg) days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy.

He'll check on day 21 to see if I have ovulated, if not he'll up the Clomid for the next cycle. He'll give me 6 months, then its off to the RE.

I'm so glad that he is treating me aggressively, and that he and his staff are so completely supportive. After all of these years being ignored and told that it's "all in your head" or it's my fault because I'm overweight, it is such a blessing to have someone who listens and communicates.

I almost can't wait for this cycle to be over, so that we can do it already... :)