Beautifully Irrational

RELATIONSHIPS
DD = Dear Daughter, Darling Daughter
DH = Dear Husband, Darling Husband
DP = Dear Partner, Darling Partner
DS = Dear Son, Darling Son
DW = Dear Wife, Darling Wife
MIL = Mother In-law (also FIL, SIL, BIL for the others)
SO = Significant Other

GENERAL INTERNET ABBREVIATIONS
AMAP = As Much As Possible
AFAIK = As Far As I Know
ASAP = As Soon As Possible
BBL = Be Back Later
BBW = Big Beautiful Women
BTW = By The Way
FAQ = Frequently Asked Question(s)
FWIW = For What It's Worth
HTH = Hope This Helps
IIRC = If I Recall/Remember Correctly
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion, In My Honest Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IRC = Internet Relay Chat
LMK = Let Me Know
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
OT = Off Topic
OTOH = On The Other Hand
PITA = Pain In The Ass
POV = Point Of View
ROTFL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing
ROTFLOL = Rolling On The Floor Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My A** Off
TIA = Thanks In Advance
TTFN = Ta Ta For Now
TTYS = Talk To You Soon
WB = Welcome Back
YMMV = Your Mileage May Vary

FERTILITY SPECIFIC ABBREVIATIONS
2WW = 2-Week Wait
47XXY = Klinefelter's Syndrome

ACA = Anti-cardiolipin Antibodies
ACTH = Adrenal Corticotropic Hormone
AF = Aunt Flo (menstruation)
AH, AZH = Assisted Hatching
AHI = At-home Insemination
AI = Artificial Insemination
AIH = Artificial Insemination from Husband
ANA = Anti-nuclear Antibodies
AO = Anovulation
AOA, AVA = Anti-ovarian Antibody
APA = Anti-phospholipid Antibodies
APTT = Activated Partial Thromboplastin Time
ART = Assisted Reproductive Technology
ASA = Anti-sperm Antibody
ASRM = American Society of Reproductive Medicine
ATA = Anti-thyroid Antibody

BA = Baby Aspirin
BBT = Basal Body Temperature
BCP = Birth Control Pills
BD = Baby Dancing (sex)
BFN = Big Fat Negative
BFP = Big Fat Positive
BG = Blood Glucose
BMS = Baby-making Sex
BSE = Breast Self-Exam
BT = Balanced Translocation
BW, b/w = Bloodwork

C# = Cycle Number
CAH = Congenital Adrenal Hyperplasia
CASA = Computer-assisted Semen Analysis
CB = Cycle Buddy
CBAVD = Congenital Bilateral Absence of the Vas Deferens
CCCT, CCT = Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test (Clomid Challenge Test)
CD = Cycle Day
CD56+ = Natural Killer Cells
CF = Cervical Fluid
CM = Cervical Mucus
CMV = Cytomegalovirus
CNM = Certified Nurse Midwife
COH = Controlled Ovarian Hyperstimulation
CP = Cervical Position
CPFM = ClearPlan Fertility Monitor
CVS = Chorionic Villae Sampling

D&C = Dilation & Curettage
D&E = Dilation & Evacuation
DE = Donor Eggs
DES = Diethylstilbestrol (a synthetic estrogen)
DHEAS = Dihydroepiandrosterone Sulfate
DI = Donor Insemination
DIPI = Direct Intra-peritoneal Insemination
DOR = Diminished Ovarian Reserve
DOST = Direct Oocyte-Sperm Transfer
DPO = Days Post-Ovulation
DPR = Days Post-Retrieval
DPT = Days Post-Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 3-Day Transfer
DP3DT = Days Post 5-Day Transfer
Dx = Diagnosis

E2 = Estradiol
EB, EMB = Endometrial Biopsy
EDC = Estimated Date of Confinement (Due Date)
EDD = Estimated Due Date
ENDO = Endometriosis
EPO = Evening Primrose Oil
EPT = Early Pregnancy Test
ET = Embryo Transfer
ETF = Embryo Toxic Factor
ETA = Embryo Toxicity Assay
EW, EWCM = Eggwhite Cervical Mucus

FBG = Fasting Blood Glucose
FI = Fasting Insulin
FET = Frozen Embryo Transfer
FF = Fertility Friend
FHR = Fetal Heart Rate
FP = Follicular Phase
FM = Fertile Mucus or Fertility Monitor
FSH = Follicle Stimulating Hormone
FUR = False Unicorn Root

GD = Gestational Diabetes
GI = Gastrointestinal
GIFT = Gamete Intra-fallopian Transfer
GnRH = Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone
GP = General Practitioner
GTT = Glucose Tolerance Test

HbA1c = Glycosylated Hemoglobin (also called Glycohemoglobin)
hCG, HCG = Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HCP = Health Care Practitioner
HEPA = Hamster Egg Penetration Assay
hMG, HMG = Human Menopausal Gonadotropin
HPT = Home Pregnancy Test
HRT = Hormone Replacement Therapy
HSC = Hysteroscopy
HSG = Hysterosalpingogram

IBT = Immunobead Binding Test
ICI = Intra-cervical Insemination
ICSI = Intra-cytoplasmic Sperm Injection
IF = Infertility
IGTT = Insulin and Glucose Tolerance Test
IM = Intra-muscular (WRT injections)
INCIID = International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination
IOR = Immature Oocyte Retrieval
IR = Insulin Resistant
ITI = Intra-tubal Insemination
IUFD = Intra-uterine Fetal Demise
IUGR = Intra-uterine Growth Retardation
IUI = Intra-uterine Insemination
IVC = Intra-vaginal Culture
IVF = In Vitro Fertilization
IVIg = Intravenous Immunoglobulin

LAD = Leukocyte Antibody Detection Assay
LAP = Laparoscopy
LH = Luteinizing Hormone
LIT = Leukocyte Immunization Therapy
LMP = Last Menstrual Period (start date)
LP = Luteal Phase
LPD = Luteal Phase Defect
LSP = Low Sperm Count
LUF, LUFS = Luteinized Unruptured Follicle Syndrome


MC, m/c, misc. = Miscarriage
MESA = Microsurgical Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
MF = Male Factor
MIFT = Micro Injection Fallopian Transfer
MMR = Measles-Mumps-Rubella Vaccine
MRI = Magnetic Resonance Imaging

NEST = Non-surgical Embryonic Selective Thinning
NK = Natural Killer Cells (CD56+)
NORIF = Non-stimulated Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
NP = Nurse Practitioner
NSA = Non-surgical Sperm Aspiration

O, OV = Ovulation
OB = Obstetrician
OB/GYN = Obstetrician/Gynecologist
OC = Oral Contraceptives
OD = Ovulatory Dysfunction
OHSS = Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome
OPK Ovulation Predictor Kit
OPT = Ovulation Predictor Test
OTC = Over The Counter
OW = Overweight

P4 = Progesterone
PA = Physician's Assistant
PAI-1 = Plasminogen Activator Inhibitor-1
PANFERT = Pregnancy After Infertility (mail list)
PCAO= Polycystic Appearing Ovaries
PCO = Polycystic Ovaries
PCOD = Polycystic Ovary Disease
PCOS = Polycystic Ovary Syndrome
PCP = Primary Care Physician
PCT = Post Coital Test
PESA = Percutaneous Epididymal Sperm Aspiration
PG = Pregnant
PGD = Pre-implantation Genetic Diagnosis
PI = Primary Infertility
PID = Pelvic Inflammatory Disease
PIO = Progesterone in Oil
PLI = Paternal Leukocyte Immunization
PMS = Pre-menstrual Syndrome
PNM = Perinatal Mortality
POC = Products of Conception
POF = Premature Ovarian Failure
PROM = Premature Rupture of Membranes
PTSD = Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
PZD = Partial Zona Dissection

RE = Reproductive Endocrinologist
R-FSH, R-hFSH = Recombinant Human Follicle Stimulating Hormone
RI = Reproductive Immunologist
RIP = Reproductive Immunophynotype
ROS = Reactive Oxygen Species
RPL = Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
RSA = Recurrent Spontaneous Abortion
Rx = Prescription

SA = Semen Analysis
SART = Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology
s/b, S/B = Stillbirth
SCORIF = Stimulated Cycle Oocyte Retrieval In (office) Fertilization
SHG, SonoHSG = Sonohysterogram
SI = Secondary Infertility
SIS = Saline Injection Sonogram
SLE = Systemic Lupus Erythematosus
SPA = Sperm Penetration Assay
STD = Sexually Transmitted Disease
SUZI = Sub-zonal Insertion

T1 = Type I Diabetic -- Juvenile Diabete
T2 = Type II Diabetic -- Insulin Resistant, Adult Onset
T4 = Thyroxine
TEBG = Testosterone-Estradiol Binding Globulin
TESA = Testicular Sperm Aspiration
TESE = Testicular Sperm Extraction
TET = Tubal Embryo Transfer
TL = Tubal Ligation
TNF = Tumor Necrosis Factor
TORCH = Toxoplasmosis, Other, Rubella, Cytomegalovirus & Herpes test
TR = Tubal Reversal
TRH = Thyroid Releasing Hormone
TSH = Thyroid Stimulating Hormone
TTC = Trying to Conceive
TTCAR = Trying to Conceive after Reversal
TUFT = Trans-uterine Fallopian Transfer
Tx = Treatment
TZD = Thiazolidinediones

UR = Urologist
US, u/s = Ultrasound
UTI = Urinary Tract Infection

V = Vasectomy
VR = Vasectomy Reversal

WBC = White Blood Cells
WHR = Waist to Hip Ratio
WLS = Weight Loss Surgery
WNL = Within Normal Limits

ZIFT = Zygote Intra-fallopian Transfer

I've actually been doing pretty good the last few months, but this month is really bad. I have been frantic to become pregnant again (even though it took years the last time). I was trying to explain this to my husband the other day, when I realized that its probably because my due date is approaching, and it would be so much easier to accept that, if I was pregnant again, instead of feeling so.... barren.

It seems to escalate day by day.... Almost every dream that I have, every night, I am pregnant. I was walking around the infant section of wal-Mart the other day, just as if I was shopping for my baby. I'm watching all of those baby shows on tv.... the things I did when I was pregnant before, but it feels really unhealthy this time, like it has a tinge of desperation.

God, it's hard. I feel like crying again, and I haven't done that in months. I thought I was doing really good, and had healed. Now, its like going through my miscarriage all over again, but made worse by the distance from the actual event. :-(

I have a young friend who has a due date within a week of what mine was. She is having a son. I was so sure that I was too (though, it was too early to actually tell). While I was having my miscarriage, she called to tell my husband about her pregnancy. She has pretty much been a taboo subject in this house ever since.

For years, I have been determined not to be bitter or obsessed, more than anything. I have experienced other miscarriages, but they don't seem as real. This time, I went to the doctor; we heard a heartbeat; then, it was all gone.

I am getting older, too. It was one thing to be infertile at 18, a whole other to still not have a baby at almost 30.

I didn't even really realize what my problem was until I was listing my reasons to dh the other day, and I said it, then I realized that was it more than anything.

All along, I have planned to get a tattoo on or near my due date to recognize my child and motherhood, despite the miscarriage, also as a rememberance. I still plan to do this. I'm hoping that acknowledging my loss will help me move on.

I remember when I first thought I had found peace with everything, and now I am hoping for that balance again.

I had a nice day. We cooked out on our new grill and spent the day together. Leland was off from work for a change. I also got quite a bit of work done on my websites.

I got an awesome gift. Leland bought me a new laptop from Wal-mart. I got it a little early, and it has been great. We got a really good deal on the price, too.

I am a little nostalgic today, with the birthday and Memorial Day. I miss everyone.

Here's to 29.

Ok - so I took a quiz about which STD I would be, and felt it necessary to share the results with the world (the very small percentage of which reads this journal, anyway....) - who comes up with these things?

If I were an STD, I'd be

Click here to find out which STD you'd be at BRAINPUKE.COM!

Well, It's almost a month later and things are starting to look better. I was really depressed for a while, but as much so any more. I am starting to heal; I am just trying to find my place again.

I watched ER last night. One of the main characters had a miscarriage/stillborn child. It was really sad and hurt to watch, kind of like a kick in the chest, but it wasn't in the wrenching way it would have been a few weeks ago -- more in an "I understand that" kind of way.

I also want to say thanks to everyone who was so supportive.

I went in to see the doctor Tues. He did an exam and an u/s. Everything looked good. He gave me some meds for pain and to help my uterus contract. He said that we can begin trying again this cycle, if we wish.

It's finally over. I lost my baby tonight.

There has been a lot of pain, physically and emotionally. I've been cramping and such the last few days, and probably will be for a few more.

I kind of knew what to expect because I have been through this before (2 previous early miscarriages), but this is the first time things had gone this far, or that I was being seen by a doctor, and then there was the u/s...

It was so hard, having seen and heard my baby's heartbeat and then to have been told he was gone, and yet waiting and waiting for it to be over.

Now, it is and there is some peace - a lot of sadness - but a little peace, too.

( **** This contains details of what happened to me. Please read at your own discretion. **** )

Thank you to everyone that has offerred their support and well-wishes.

We had a car accident today - totaled the car.

We've also lost the baby.

I'll post more later.

schizoid

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Doesn't that make you feel better about me potentially raising a kid?

The topic of exercise came up on one of my discussion boards today, and I figured I'd share my answer here, since it talks about my health.

I have actually been feeling better and getting more exercise since I have been pregnant. I have more fatigue, especially in the late afternoons and evenings, but I also have much more drive to do things.

I suffer from chronic migraines, but they have eased off, and I have barely had a few bad headaches since I have been pregnant.

I have always done some yoga.... (I used to do it with my paternal grandmother, when I was young) and picked it up again a few years ago with a friend who was pregnant at the time. I don't do the aerobic kind - mostly stretching, flexibility, and breathing. It is very refreshing.

I have been walking a lot more. I actually feel a lot better, if I can get out and walk and move around, but I am having to take it easy since the doctor put me on pelvic rest. I have stopped most of my walking. (I have chronic pelvic pain related to PCOS, and have been hurting/cramping since I got pregnant.... increasing blood flow to the area seemed to help.)

I am really hoping to get the all clear at my u/s next week and am going to discuss exercise with my dr. I am taking things as slow and easy as I can, but I am not one to sit still, and I feel better when I am moving.

Not much going on here - still doing my spring cleaning. I actually feel like I am starting to accomplish stuff. I am waiting for Tuesday, for my ultrasound and the hopefully good news about the baby.

I was going to write this weekend about the dinner we went to Saturday, but didn't get a chance. Saturday night was my husband's employer's yearly company banquet thing. There were lots of door prizes, but we didn't win one this year. We did have some pictures taken that I will post here in about three weeks, when we get them back.

I was happy and starting to feel more confident about the baby, but I was running a fever yesterday and tonight I started spotting again. I am trying to take things carefully, but I don't know what else to do...

There is some good news... both of my blood sugars today were below 100!

As soon as my pork roast finishes cooking, I am going to eat dinner and go to bed.

Supposedly, today is the last day of my seventh week of pregnancy (or is that eighth week? in that tomorrow will be eight full weeks - I'm confused)

Of course, after my ultrasound the other day, I may be off by a week and a half, and not actually be hitting 8 weeks until the 23rd.

I don't know - I do know that I am really worried about my baby, and he (or she) is almost constantly in my thoughts. I am still cramping and my lower back and pelvic area are pretty sore. I even took some tylenol, which did help me relax for a few hours, but I can't do that for nine months. It's not that the pain is so bad, just constant - with this bloated feeling and a slight burning in the muscles. It's like having a really bad period - without the period, of course. However, it is stressful, because that pain is like a constant reminder that my little one is having problems.

I'm trying to keep positive and loving thoughts and send energy to my little "bean" - I am going to take the best care of this baby that I can, now and after he's born. Keep us in your prayers.

Not much going on here today, I am taking it easy. I am resting, watching my diet and trying to stay hydrated. I am using some of the downtime to update my websites, and am working a little on two of the three baby blankets I am making ( 1 crochet and 1 embroidered quilt top ). My mother in law said that she would finish off the 2 quilts for me, when I finished the tops.

As if you were born into a world of tears, you always tend to look at the darker things in life. Inside you crave attention yet push away society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn to things like the occult and mysteries, you spend your time daydreaming.

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I had some problems last night with spoting and cramping, so I called the Dr today, and they fit me in for an ultrasound and visit today, instead of next week.

Well, it's mostly good news, but not all.

We saw the baby (kind of) and it is settled into the uterus and my cervix is closed.

It measured small - at only 6w 1d +/- 2 days, rather than 7w 3d (as of LMP). We kind of expected this, though, because of my irregular cycles.

The not so good news is that the amount of the fluid around the baby is low and the heartbeat was only 109bpm. (It was nice to hear it, though)

I am on pelvic rest and he wants to see me again for an ultrasound on the 23rd, to check that I am progressing.

I am still worried, but not as scared. I hope everything works out. Looks like we are in line for a Halloween baby after all.

I didn't post yesterday, but it was a yucky day. The mood swings were pretty bad and I felt really stressed. Money is so tight, especially when having to pay an unexpected $200 to the doctor.

It's also hard because I am at a weird stage where I know that I am pregnant, but I don't *feel* pregnant. I have put on some weight (a few lbs), which I shouldn't be at this stage, but I have very few symptoms, no discernible bulge yet (even if my breasts seem huge). It will be better after my ultrasound, but I really feel the need for some tangible proof.

Also, I increased my insulin by quite a bit yesterday and my evening sugar was still higher than in a week (but it was awesome this morning). I know it was because I only had broth for lunch yesterday and then had too many carbs with dinner, instead of a steady intake - but it was really upsetting.

*sigh* I hope it will work out. I know that it will, but it just gets a bit overwhelming at times. There is so much to do and to buy and bills to pay - and then there is a baby to take care of for the rest of its life. This is the greatest blessing that I have ever received, but it is an awesome responsibility too.....

I saw my endocrinologist today. Everything went really well. My sugar is high, but coming down. He told me to increase my insulin "aggressively" for the next three weeks, and to get it down before I come back to see him. I scheduled my next appointment for the same day as my ob appt (April Fool's Day :)