Beautifully Irrational

It's been a weird few years since my last miscarriage. I have pretty much come to terms with it all, and have accepted that it's probably never going to happen. I can't say that I have been TTC, because I hardly ever chart and our sex life is mostly non-existant at this point, but there are weird times, when out of the blue, obsession strikes again.

Last month, I was hoping that I might be pregnant, allow I was 83% sure that I wasn't. This month is different. Maybe, because yesterday was Mother's Day. I ovulated this weekend. Friday, I convinced DH to spend a little time together. I'm not charting, so I don't know my temps, and can't guarantee that I even ovulated. I know that if I am "pregnant" implantation has not occurred. So, why do I "feel" pregnant? Why do I strangely feel like this might be it?

This weekend, we cleaned out a ton of our baby stuff and let it go, selling it off as a lot to DH's aunt for her kid's resale shot. I am perfectly ok with that. Even a bit relieved.

I went back to school a year after my last miscarriage (something it would have been near impossible to do with a baby) and am happily haeding toward graduation and a career and possibly grad school.

I am moving on with my life, not stressing about not having a baby. I do hope that it might mythically be possible, and I do want one, but am not as heartbroken most of the time that I've moved beyond that stage. I am about to be 34 in three weeks, and think I have let this go.

And yet, I am dreaming. Or more importantly -- not. You see, I dream of babies all of the time. Me getting pregnant, me having a baby. I do a lot of lucid dreaming, and my dreams are often self-insertion fantasies that resemble harlequin novels (lol don't judge me). The only time I have ever been unable to do this was during my pregnacies (and it was the one thing that always changed even before I knew I miscarried). This weekend, I stopped dreaming again. I have also had heartburn every time I get hungry the last few days, which only happens when I am pregant - except it's too early to be pregnant (like 3 weeks too early to be having symptoms, if I am), so why is my damn mind playing tricks on me, and how do I cope with it?

I mentioned last month that I was going to try and get some more of my jewelry pieces listed at My Etsy Shop to try and make some income since I lost my job, and i finally got my a$$ in gear. I don't have all of my pieces loaded, yet. Hopefully, this will be an on-going project. The actual making of the jewelry is a great stress reliever, and hopefully, so will be the income. I hope that you will all take a look, even if you can't buy something right now.

*Note: if you are overseas and want to make a purchase, let me know, and I will give you the best break on shipping that I can, even if I have to investigate other methods. In the US and Canada, I use priority mail with delivery confirmation.

Ok, guys, another plea for donations, but this time, it is not for myself. I got a call from the American Red Cross today where I have been donating. Apparently, there is a huge shortage right now of donors and blood products. In my local area, they are getting about 4-5 donors a day, when they need a minimum of 14-15.

You may be eligible to donate, even if you think you are not. It can't hurt to check. For example, I am an insulin-dependant diabetic, and I am still allowed to donate as long as my blood sugar is in an acceptable range, and I eat a meal before I donate.

The Red Cross is one organization that I have always supported in my charity efforts. When I was in high school, I was a volunteer, assisting at blood drives at school and at the local Air Force Base. When I was in the Army, I started donating as soon as my 18th birthday had passed.

I have also received help from the American Red Cross. When I was in the Army, and granted medical leave after my surgery, they loaned me the money for my roundtrip plane ticket home, that I payed back out of my paycheck for the next five months, interest free. When there was a fire at my apartment complex a year and a half ago, they put us up in a hotel for three days, gave us a voucher for Wal-Mart, and assisted me in replacing all of my medications.

That is just my personal experience. They are constantly helping people in communities everywhere, and I know from being a CLS student, how important the blood supplies are. Please donate to the Red Cross, in any way you can, whether it is blood or blood products, your time, or your money. Like they say, "The life you save may be your own."

So, as you could probably discern from my last post, I am a little depressed, so I decided to get happy by spreading the love....

From geonncannon: The first FIVE people to respond to this post and mentioning this part will get something made by me! My choice. Just for YOU.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
- What I create will be just for you and no two will be alike.
- It'll be done at some point this year (2009). No guarantees when exactly since I want it to be a total surprise! (Plus, you know, I'm broke)
- You have no clue what it's going to be. It may be poetry. I may draw or paint something. I may bake you something and mail it to you. Who knows? Not you, that's for sure!
- I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

The catch? You have to repost this in your own LJ. We can all make stuff and make someone's day a little bit brighter!

I just lost my job and I don't even know why. Mainly it was because three weeks ago, I mentioned in front of the owner that I had put in an application at the hospital (a job I didn't get) and he said he was afraid that I would just up and leave without notice (like firing me is a better option) and the only reason that they knew I was looking for another job was because I was keeping them informed.

Then he said that there had been too many complaints about me, when I supervisor (who is actually there on a daily basis) said that she only knew of two, and they both were of the same issue (in which I was correct) that I wouldn't take a card that belonged to a third party (they said it was a company card, but it had a person's name on it not a company).

I've worked there for over a year and a half, and this makes no sense and is just vindictive. I am so screwed. I am already behind on my bills, because DH has been out of work due to medical issues, and I was trying to cover everything myself (including his insurance, so he doesn't lose it).

My supervisor says she'll still give me a reference, because she doesn't have anything against me, but this makes no damn sense, and I am so fricken upset now that I can't see straight. I'm even crying - which I never do.

I don't know what to do.

I guess the first thing is try and get some ebay and etsy stuff going to get some money coming in. I am so freaked out.

As I was telling Geonn yesterday - there are ice storms in hell. We just CALL it Arkansas.

Yesterday, as i was driving by the armoury at the college, I saw the National Guard being mobilized. Today, FEMA was there. I am currently at hastings, because I have no power at the house, and as such no internet or anything - the horror *gasp*

Worse than that - we have no hot water. I filled the tub with water this morning to take a bath/shower, and geez that was friggen cold. I had to have DH help to wash my hair, because the water was too damn cold to do that to myself. And, if you ever see me first thing in the morning, you know that washing my hair is a must. I have that baby fine hair that after a night's sleep will give Medusa a run for her money.

I work in a motel and can't get a room in this town any more than anyone else - not even for a few hours to shower. The power people have started to arrive and get things back on, and one of them told me that they are expected to be here about 6 weeks.

We are looking at hurricane level devestation here from the ice storms. The thing is that we weren't even the worst hit. The area's north of here are even worse. My in-laws just over the Missouri border are completely without power too, and are cuddling together the best that they can - their entire town is done. Around here, at least there are some places to go. We are currently at Hastings, and the motels and stuff still have power, it's mostly residential areas that are affected. It's damn cold. Everything in our fridge will have to be trashed. Money is tight and it is damn cold, but we are getting by.

Just keep the people in this area in your thoughts if you can. There is some disaster relief going on and a few shelters, but i don't really know the details. Mostly everyone just wants their power back. We are all trying to stay warm. Luckily,, it is above freezing today, if barely (33-35 degrees F), and the ice is beginning to melt, but the power lines are all down.

It's finals week and I barely have time to breathe, and yet I am horny as hell. I think I am ovulating (damn hormones!). Do you have any idea how hard it is to read dry medical texts while wanting to just rub yourself against your chair (at work no less).

So send me tittilating stuff to read in between Clinical chemistry, Pathophysiology, Bloodbanking, and Medical Micro, while I endeavor to study. Please.

[/TMI]

I tried to drabble, but I failed. I am too tired. While the semester isn't over for a few weeks, a lot of my classes are wrapping up this week - final projects and presentations due, etc. I also got a little behind the last few weeks, because I haven't felt well. I am working my butt off to get it all done. I still came home early today, instead of doing more peripheral blood smear differentials (I have 17 more to do by Friday). I am too tired to spend any more time with a microscope today.

I did get lab time scheduled for the microtome and staining lab. I got my sensitivity plates innocculated for Micro, did three hemocytometer counts and a 2-hour heinz body staining. I may work on my homework after a nap.

Still to do:
Study for 2 Micro exams
Study Fungi kodachrome slides
8 chapters of Clinical Chemistry (and 14 mini case studies)
3 chapters of Pathophysiology
Develop Lesson Plan for a Continuing Education presentation
Develop Powerpoint Presentation on "Preparing a Cytological Specimen for Periodic Acid Schiff (PAS) Staining"
17 peripheral blood smear differentials
Study for a bloodbanking exam
study for a hemotology exam
Complete 5 Antibody screens
2? type and screen case studies


I think that's it, but I'm not sure, I'll have to check my actual calender.

Remember, I said no fireworks for me, because I was working.

Wrong.

Instead of being at the park up the highway, the fireworks were at the fairgrounds, which are pretty much right behind the motel ( < 1/4 mile ). So I walked out into the parking lot and watched about 10 minutes in the middle. It was pretty good. The lights were right in front of me, and it sounded like a percussion section behind me.

Awesome.

Happy Independence Day to my fellow Americans, and hey to everyone else.

I'm at work, so no fireworks or barbeque for me tonight, unless it's on tv, but that's ok, my tummy is still quite icky. But I am going to ramble a bit.

And music - there's music for you in it. Martina McBride's Independence Day which is awesome.

I don't really know what to say. I feel a little like i am failing at life, because I have so many responsibilities and no way to get them all done. My house is a disaster area right now, to the point that cleaning it seems like a fruitless exercise in masochism, especially since DH is no help at all at getting things done, and even less now that he is working a few hours a week. In all fairness, he is sick right now, too, but I am so tired of this. I am just so tired of everything. I hate that I missed school for being sick, because it is a summer term, and really short. I usually love the immersion of summer terms, but absences are a lot different in the main term, and I need to get A's in everything to keep my GPA going up.

Also, work sucks, especially when you feel icky, and will not work at all once I start my clinicals in the spring. *sigh* However, I am writing this from work, on my own laptop, using their Wi-Fi... so I giver them minor points for that at least.

But, you know for all of my whining, and that's what it all really boils down to... I have a job, I am working my way through school, and for all that it's a mess, I have a decent roof over my head, food in the fridge, etc. Life's not so bad, and I can see my own Independence in the not so far future. That's something to be thankful for.

I have found therapy, and its name is Dexter. Yes, it is a dark show about a sociopathic serial killer, but it is hilarious. This show never fails to make me laugh and giggle and generally raise my spirits. Unfortunately, there are only two (half) seasons, so my merriment will soon near its end (I just finished 2x04). I seriously love this show and all of the messed up characters on it. Everyone is so flawed, and he is just trying to be all normal, when he is anything but. It's strange how they took a concept that is right out of a horror novel, and yet made it so entertaining and amusing.

Ok, everybody may be looking at me funny, now - but seriously, I love this show. It's the funniest thing that I have seen in ages.

Trying something new... I am still looking for something that will get me inspired to write something more than a snippet or drabblish type thing.

I think I am dealing with a minor depression and it's not great. I don't know what to do about it though. School starts up in just about a week. I am actually looking forward to that. I have even had some good news on that front. First, i found my textbook used for about $20, instead of $80. I also went in to talk with a financial aid counselor about the missed deadline, and he said that they can't deny me the Pell Grant that I had already been awarded, and hey, we have some extra non-traditional student grant money - why don't you have some... So instead of having to pay ~$700 this week, I only have to pay ~250 by the end of next month. That was my good news the other day.

Also, Leland has picked up some work at the college for the camps they are running. Right now, it is all going to pay the back premiums on his insurance from when he was off, so no pay and no unemployment, but our insurance won't get cancelled, and as soon as he is caught up that will be a little more money. Also, I got our tax return yesterday (finally) and was able to catch up on all of our bills. It's completely gone now, but my rent is up to date, so I figure that's fair. I am still hoping for our state return and that federal bonus everyone got last month.

As for the something new... Inspired by hp_tarot on IJ, I am thinking of using tarot cards/readings to influence my writing. I may use some of the various tarot/divination decks that I have at home, or the suggested on-line ones:

Façade.com
http://www.facade.com/tarot/

Llewellyn Web Tarot
http://www.llewellyn.com/free/tarot.php


Ok - so that's kind of scary... I drew a reading using the Llewellyn site, specifically for writing, thinking only about possible stories, and got a reading that can only be about myself and what's going on with me. It's too, too weird. Maybe this is why I am so blocked. may need to meditate on this and see what I can do to free up some creative energy.

Happy Solstice...

Today is my grandmother(/foster mother)'s 75th birhtday. That's quite a milestone, and strangley enough made me a little melancholy about the fact that one of these days she's not going to be there at the end of the phone anymore. I really want to see her - I miss her. I haven't seen her since shortly after my grandfather passed away and I decided to leave for Arkansas, almost 11 years ago.

***************

On an unrelated but strange note. I came into work to work today to see a Community Notification for a level 4 sex offender who is staying at the motel. "Level Four status is reserved for offenders who are deemed sexually violent predators."

The notice was issued yesterday, but I checked him in Monday night. A local church is paying for one week stay for him. I am not sure how I feel about this. I have been a victim of sexual assault and molestation, and a rape crisis counselor. I support Megan's Law and community reporting. On the other hand, I am getting to see it in action.

When this flyer was posted, the man was fired from his job. After Monday, he has nowhere to live, as he has been told that he cannot go live with his mother (I believe it's because his kids live there). Reporters have been calling for him, and the fact that he is staying at the motel will be on the 10:00 news tonight.

He is getting frustrated. I know this because he came to talk to me and tried to express how he is trying and asking for a copy of the notice after I gave him the message from the reporter. My question is what happens next - with no job, no place to live, no prospects, and mounting frustration, what real deterent does he have against reoffending? Is his new religious beliefs, and the support of people in his church enough when the rest of the world is against him?

What can we really do about it when our criminal justice system is focused on punishment rather than rehabilitation, and the punishment isn't really a deterent from crime? I know that if I really wanted to do something criminal that I wouldn't be scared of going to jail, and neither are most criminals.

I just posted about half of the jewelry that I made in May to my etsy page. I am having trouble getting really sharp pictures, even with my lightbox, but I really like these, and everyone who has seen them in person has like them, so I am mostly happy.



As always, I will entertain offers, and anyone from lj who buys directly instead of through the site will get 10% off.

&^^%%#@(@^&^%%$%$@

After my post earlier, I googled a poem I wrote a few years ago, to see if it was still on-line somewhere, so I could share it with vegawriters and it came up on someone else's page. Now, I posted this around a few places on Panthermoon.com, on a Cordelia/Angel Wallpaper - which is what I wrote it for, and as the front of my fanfic archive, as well as one of those poetry contest sites, so I knew it was possible that it could be stolen - just like anything else on the internet, but &%*&$* it feels like such a violation.

http://www.freewebs.com/cryingdenial/

I am so upset that I can't even figure out how to contact this person to ask that they take it down. This wasn't even just a fannish thing. I published this with my real name, and it was very personal.

I... I don't know what to say.

Despite my dire predictions yesterday, today I had an email from my instructor:
P.S. Don't worry about if you passed the final. No one made below a C on the exam. Someone asked me what weight the final carries on behalf of your grade--it is 30%. Hope this helps a lot of you!!

So, YEAH!!! Not quite as dire as I thought. Immunology and Serology is done for the semester. It's Mr. Payne (my advisor and a really great guy and teacher), so I'm not at all worried about my grade. Urinalysis and Body Fluids is over, and the class isn't a problem. I'm pretty sure I am near the top of that class. I'm only worried about the lab, and really, as long as I get a C in that 1 hour, (which doesn't seem to be an issue anymore, since I completed all of my assignments), I am good to go.

Clinical Chem, Molecular Diagnostics and Biochem will continue on-line until May, but no more on campus classes!!! (Days Off!!!!!)
Last I checked, I had the highest number of points for the Biochem class. Molecular Diagnostics has had 2 assignments, and Clin Chem is going well (lab = 88.5%, ~96% in the class portion, two A's are likely).

So, I am pretty happy about it all. i am already thinking ahead to this summer, and working out the rest of my degree plan.

For Now.... SPRING BREAK ....

The pics on these suck. I will be working on setting up a better system for them this weekend, but I feel like sharing, since I haven't been posting my fic.


These are my School's Out celebration creations!!! Spring break is next week, and I finally get a day off with no work and no school, and i don't have to go back after break - on-line classes only :) (If it wasn't for the fact that I failed my UABF lab final yesterday, I would be 100% thrilled.)


( 2 pairs earrings, 1 necklace )

Since I've been talking about jewelry lately, this is the piece that started it all. I'm posting this mainly for amireal, but anyone who wants to can check it out behind the cut. Just, you know, look at the necklace and not me.

( Psst. In here... )