Beautifully Irrational

Funny thing happened on my way to posting in my journal... I turned off an episode of Supernatural to come and post, only to see at the top of my journal, "The Story So Far..." It makes me giggle, because I inadvertently ganked that from Supernatural, and ironically the moment I fell in love with / realized I was in love with the show... [[[The end of the first season, with the flashback vid set to 'Carry On My Wayward Son' - and still always my favorite part of the season]]] And now that I realize I did it, I'm still keeping it :)

You know pregnancy changes a lot of things in your life, but did you know it changes your taste buds too? [[Disclaimer: NO, that is not an announcement]] I am currently devouring my third mint - chocolate - cone - pop - drumstick - thingy since Thursday night. They are so friggen, deliciously awesome. However, I hate mint - with a passion. I have used kid's bubblegum, fruity toothpastes, or vanilla, or my current a weird orange Scope kind of toothpaste for as long as I remember, because I so gag at the idea of mint. However, since my last pregnancy I have had a weird soft spot for mint chocolate chip ice cream with its Andes candies flavor. Mmmm, yummm. How weird is that? Especially since I was last pregnant in the fall of 2006, and the craving persists. ***shrugs***

On a TTC note, I have been charting again, but it has mostly been diheartening. DH has not been very cooperative in doing his part, due to performance issues, weight gain that has made him out of shape, and worsening depression, but I can't get on him too bad about not stepping up when the opportunity arises (so to speak) because my charting is only telling me how cooperative my own body is not....

I'll have a few days of EWCM, followed by a temp spike that the next day (or a few hours later) drops completely away again. It's like my body keeps gearing up to ovulate, harder and harder each week, but can't make it over the hurdle. It's very, very frustrating.

I'll be 35 in a couple of months, and I know that women conceive older than that, I can't help but feel that my window of opportunity is closing. My ten year anniversary is this year. We have only ever used birth control in passing (some condoms in the beginning before we married, a month or two of birth control pills here and there as I have needed them to reset my cycles, etc. We did the whole clomid thing, only to find that I was resistant to it. While I may be able to get it covered, my problem isn't one of the ones listed for our insurance to cover IVF, and what if we did go through all of that only to miscarry again. Tha would suck majorly.

I'm thinking of adoption again, but really, I don't know if I am up to that kind of heartbreak again either, nor can we currently afford it.

I don't know - this turned out to be a lot more depressing than I thought it would be.

My jobs not going so bad three months in, though it has its days. It think about blogging about it, I just don't want to talk about it when I get home most of the time. Money's tight, but we are working on it, and settling into our new home. I'm trying to plan for grad school as soon as I finish paying off the $3500 I owe on my bachelor's degree.

Keebler's "Wheatables" Nut Crisp (Roasted Almond) crackers are surprisingly good. 16 crackers have 19 net carbs, and 3g protein, 6g fat, but they do taste good.

So, I went to the VA last Friday. I decided to bypass the ER and go straight to the Women's clinic to see if they could get me in. After sitting there and being ignored for most of an hour (they were busy), I pressed the issue and they said, that no, I should go to the ER, because they weren't able to see walk-ins, and even if they did, there was no guarantee that they would get my lab results back before the end of the day. Before I left, I did make sure to scheduele follow up appointments for the next available day (which was April 19th - 6 weeks away), which actually turned out to be pretty good foresight when it came to dealing with the ER and convincing them that I was serious about dealing with my problems.

( Cut for boring personal details )

Anyway, I am feeling better.

I hate it, hate it, hate it.

Ok, so I have been unwilling to admit that I have morning sickness, because, really it has been pretty mild to date. I have periods (ok almost constant) of nausea, and tons of food adversions, but nothing too overwhelming. I have only thrown up a few times, and then only small amounts.

That changed yesterday. It started out as heartburn in the mid-afternoon, which I blamed on a spicy piece of chicken that I had for breakfast. I took some tums, and was ok for a little while. However, as the day progressed, so did the heartburn, and with it, the nausea. My stomach was one completely acidy mess. Finally, I lost. I ran for the bathroom, and threw up for like ten or fifteen continuous minutes, but all it seemed to be was this acidy stuff, that burned my throat and was not dissimiliar to dry heaves, with a tiny bit of orange juice and water mixed in. (Sorry if that's too graphic.)

Despite the fact that I haven't thrown up since then, the feeling as never really gone away, even now. A couple of times, I even went and sat on the floor in frront of the toilet, just in case, because it felt like I would vomit. Worse than the nausea, is this burning sensation that really hurts, and nothing seems to touch, not tums, not pepto-bismal, not eating, and that is what is making me nauseaus, so traditional remedies are out. ugh.

I thought this was supposed to start getting better about now, not worse....

::pouts:: I don't feel good.

I feel icky - not sick, so much, though I am, kind of. My sugar's have been in the low-normal range. I had to have the waitress bring me some orange juice last night at Barnhill's because I had waited to eat, and was shaking really bad, though my sugar was only in the low eighties, I start having hypoglycemic symptoms when it is.

My blood sugars have all been well, recently, but food is an issue. I am being extremely picky. Mealtimes are hell. I don't want anything, or we don't have a huge selection in the house... Salads with oil and vinegar dressing, and soups. If I wasn't pregnant, it would be a great diet. Right now, it is just a chore. I am either starving or stuffed. I hate food - hate it, hate it, hate it.

Ooh, I also like goldfish (the crackers) I bought two bags a few weeks ago - one of pretzels and one of whole grain cheddar, and they make good snacks here and there. I'm not overdoing it - I still have some of both.

I guess this post is mostly about food. I don't really have much to talk about. I'm pregnant, but it's pretty early, and who knows what's going on in there, since I am not vomiting on a regular basis or anything. *shrug*

I am working on my baby quilt though. It's a cross-stitch pattern with teddy bears and moons, with "I see the moon. The moon sees me. God Bless the moon. God Bless me." I really like it, and it's coming along.

I also have a crochet baby blanket around here somewhere that I should be working on. It's really funny; my husband teases me because this thing is huge. Forget a baby, this will cover a twin size bed when I am done. lol. I may start a different one, but I am determined to finish this one.

I need more crafts, interesting things to do, and puzzle books. I love logic problems. I've gone through three books of puzzles since I got pregnant.

I also got my registries mostly straightened out. I know it's early, but I like to plan for things. I also have to figure out how much money we are going to need for stuff. It is highly, highly unlikely that I will have a shower or anything, so they are mostly for my benefit anyway. I have three of them - Wal-Mart, Target, and Babies R Us. Maybe that's excessive, but there isn't too much on each one, and I like to shop around. Besides, I figured if anyone did want to buy anything, they could choose whichever was more convenient for them (or my amazon wishlist, to keep me occupied until the baby comes).

The end for now.... *yawn* (still so tired, too.)

Well, this week was largely uneventful, though I did have some symptoms. I am exhausted and having trouble with insomnia again. I have also taken to taking an antacid each night before bed, because my heartburn has started to recur. (Ow, Ow, Ow - and two right now.... that hurts.)

I also had some sort of stomach bug this week. Let's just say that neither end of my gastro-intestinal track was happy and leave it at that. I have also sworn off of greasy/fried foods.... uuggh. My current favorite meal is the Simply Chicken from IHOP. It's a low-carb, low-fat, low-calorie meal consisting of (steamed?) broccoli, a pan-fried/grilled boneless skinless chicken breast, and a tossed salad with oil and vinegar dressing.... yummy. I bought salad fixings and vinegar last night at Wal-Mart.

I am on a definite "fresh" food kick - though I did ask for old-fashioned, orange powder, mac n cheese today.... it wasn't too bad (too much butter - not liking greasy, as I said) and then there was the aforementioned heart burn that almost made me regret it.

I also had what Leland is calling my first official craving this week. I made him take me to Sonic for a Creamslush (a soft-serve/icee combination that was lovely). I think I have had more food aversions than actual cravings. My grandmother used to tease me that I ate so weird that if I ever got pregnant that I might eat "normal." Leland says she is right. The biggest loss - spicy foods. Normally, I love them; right now, can't stand the idea. Weird.

My pelvic area still hurts from time to time, and I am looking forward to the second trimester when the baby moves up a bit. I have found is that at least a small part of my problem is that I sit on my tailbone, with my pelvis tucked under, and there just isn't much room in there. I have been trying to lay down/stretch out when the pain gets too bad, but it is easing off. I was looking back over my livejournal yesterday, and I noticed that I had the same kind of pain last time, around this point, so maybe it is just normal for me and pregnancy.

That's it for now. Kind of a long post considering I didn't think I had anything to add. I do think I am reconciling myself to being pregnant, and I hope that I don't have cause to regret it.