Beautifully Irrational

Well, it's two weeks later - and we survived....

We got the van running again. It was a dead battery and horrible connections. We also found out that the car may be an easy/inexpensive fix. We're looking into it.

The place we bought the cars from is weird, though. The owners just went through a nasty divorce. Each one got one of our contracts. We aren't happy in one case, but it's managable.

Our kitchen sink is still not working, but our heating issues have been resolved, especially since it has been unseasonably warm recently.

We got the phone fixed, and our money situation ended up not as dire as I predicted. I am really relieved about that. it's still tight and will be for a bit, but we can manage. (We're still hoping to win the powerball...)

Thanks for the positive vibes....... and a happy new year to you all.

This is so not my time of year. I am currently living in a "if it can go wrong, it will" environment.

Money is extremely tight. We have more bills than income, even though DH has a good job. One of the reasons is our continued vehicle problems. The new van we bought 2 weeks ago died today with no warning. We think it's just the battery and are going to get a new one tomorrow. However, DH had to call into work, because he had no transportation, and he got into trouble for calling in late (because the car worked fine earlier in the day - and not when he had to go to work).
We currently have 4 vehicles here (1 we want to sell, and one that belongs to DH grandparents) and ALL of them have mechanical problems and don't run.

The adoption that we have been working on - not happening. We got screwed over, and no babies for us.

Our kichen sink is and has been backed up - I put drain cleaner down it, we took the pipes out underthe sink, we put sulferic acid tonight - no luck. Guy at Lowe's says it's probbly septic system, which our landlord is SO not going to want to hear.

Our phone isn't working correctly. The signal gets to the box, and the house is wired correctly (we checked) so we have a bad box at the post, but I mised my paymentr on the phonebill Friday, since DISH Network deducted their payment 2 weeks early this month, so I am wary about calling them. Who knows how long it is going to take them to come out, anyway.... especially with the holidays.

And we had to take our new heater back to Wal-Mart today to get money to pay a bill. Now it's cold here again. I can't win.

So, yeah, i am a litte depressed and a whole lot stressed. I just wish that things would get better. I could really use a merry christmas and a happy new year.

I am upset and worried right now. Dh works on a point system at work, and he has too many, due to car problems that we had over the summer. It takes 6 months for them to roll off. Technically, right now, he has enough to be fired.

His next point rolls off just after the New Year. We are hoping with the holidays and them being short-handed that they won't do anything about it. This is the last thing we need right now.

What really p*sses me off, is that it isn't even his fault. Someone else was supposed to work overtime, and they took a point rather than stay over. Dh knew this, but they didn't tell him that he had to stay in that guys place. The crewing coordinator didn't say anything to him when he left on time.

One of the supervisers was there and so was DH when the other guy said he wasn't staying, and says that DH should have known he had to stay, and since he didn't, he got the point. That is so not fair.

We have so many bills, and the adoption in the works. I don't know what would happen if he lost this job. if nothing else, we need his insurance. :: sigh ::

Wish us luck.

Well, yesterday sucked, but turned out ok. We couldn't get our car to run. It starts fine, and will idle, but as soon as you give it some gas it dies. we think that either the fuel filter is clogged from bad gas, or all of the recent rain resulted in water getting into the tank.

We have another car that we had planned on using as a trade-in on our van when we got it, but yesterday when we went up to start it, to take it in, we found out thst someone stole our battery! It wasn't going anywhere.

We finally paid a neighbor to drive us to the car lot and ended up putting a down payment on a mini van instead. It's not great. We have to replace the thermostat, but they knocked $1500 off of the price for us. That was pretty good. We have the van we need for the triplets now, but have two car payments to make.

Our car died last night, which totally sucks. I really liked this car, but it seems like we have the worst luck. We did manage to make it home, though. I don't know what is wrong with it. It will turn over, but then the check engine light comes on and it dies. blah.

So, I am going to see about getting a minivan today. Going to try to work some magic and get this all settled before DH has to get to work this afternoon.

We so cannot afford this right now. :: sigh ::

I need a new mechanic friend.... (They can be very helpful, especially after the number of times we have gotten ripped of going to garages here in town.) I hope we can get our car fixed - and soon - and it doesn't cost an arm and a leg - because, really, I haven't any to spare.

I did something today that I haven't done in four and a half years - I worked. It's off-the-book waitressing. Four hours a day. I felt really good. It's not a lot of money, but it is helpful to our really tight budget.

Health-wise this hasn't been possible before and I hope I can keep it up for a while. If nothing else, it will help pay for next months fertility treatments. Also, since it's off the books, there is no real commitment. Once it gets to be too much, I can quit.

Four hours seems workable... it's long enough to make it worth it, but not so long that I get too worn out physically. What sucks about it, is that some nights Leland can't take me home, so I am stuck in town until after he gets off at midnight.

Ok, I really like my doctor. We don't always agree 100% and he has definite ideas about things, but I really feel like he listens and is supportive.

I went in today to see about starting Clomid....

First of all, the nurse is great, I talked to her the other day about my cycle and about seeing the dr, and she must have written it all down after I left, because they knew what cycle day I was on and everything...

He agreed to start the Clomid and check on my progesterone later, but then changed his mind.

I'm going to take Clomid (50 mg) days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy.

He'll check on day 21 to see if I have ovulated, if not he'll up the Clomid for the next cycle. He'll give me 6 months, then its off to the RE.

I'm so glad that he is treating me aggressively, and that he and his staff are so completely supportive. After all of these years being ignored and told that it's "all in your head" or it's my fault because I'm overweight, it is such a blessing to have someone who listens and communicates.

I almost can't wait for this cycle to be over, so that we can do it already... :)

I had a nice day. We cooked out on our new grill and spent the day together. Leland was off from work for a change. I also got quite a bit of work done on my websites.

I got an awesome gift. Leland bought me a new laptop from Wal-mart. I got it a little early, and it has been great. We got a really good deal on the price, too.

I am a little nostalgic today, with the birthday and Memorial Day. I miss everyone.

Here's to 29.

Well, It's almost a month later and things are starting to look better. I was really depressed for a while, but as much so any more. I am starting to heal; I am just trying to find my place again.

I watched ER last night. One of the main characters had a miscarriage/stillborn child. It was really sad and hurt to watch, kind of like a kick in the chest, but it wasn't in the wrenching way it would have been a few weeks ago -- more in an "I understand that" kind of way.

I also want to say thanks to everyone who was so supportive.

( **** This contains details of what happened to me. Please read at your own discretion. **** )

Thank you to everyone that has offerred their support and well-wishes.

We had a car accident today - totaled the car.

We've also lost the baby.

I'll post more later.

Not much going on here - still doing my spring cleaning. I actually feel like I am starting to accomplish stuff. I am waiting for Tuesday, for my ultrasound and the hopefully good news about the baby.

I was going to write this weekend about the dinner we went to Saturday, but didn't get a chance. Saturday night was my husband's employer's yearly company banquet thing. There were lots of door prizes, but we didn't win one this year. We did have some pictures taken that I will post here in about three weeks, when we get them back.

I was happy and starting to feel more confident about the baby, but I was running a fever yesterday and tonight I started spotting again. I am trying to take things carefully, but I don't know what else to do...

There is some good news... both of my blood sugars today were below 100!

As soon as my pork roast finishes cooking, I am going to eat dinner and go to bed.

Not much going on here today, I am taking it easy. I am resting, watching my diet and trying to stay hydrated. I am using some of the downtime to update my websites, and am working a little on two of the three baby blankets I am making ( 1 crochet and 1 embroidered quilt top ). My mother in law said that she would finish off the 2 quilts for me, when I finished the tops.

I didn't post yesterday, but it was a yucky day. The mood swings were pretty bad and I felt really stressed. Money is so tight, especially when having to pay an unexpected $200 to the doctor.

It's also hard because I am at a weird stage where I know that I am pregnant, but I don't *feel* pregnant. I have put on some weight (a few lbs), which I shouldn't be at this stage, but I have very few symptoms, no discernible bulge yet (even if my breasts seem huge). It will be better after my ultrasound, but I really feel the need for some tangible proof.

Also, I increased my insulin by quite a bit yesterday and my evening sugar was still higher than in a week (but it was awesome this morning). I know it was because I only had broth for lunch yesterday and then had too many carbs with dinner, instead of a steady intake - but it was really upsetting.

*sigh* I hope it will work out. I know that it will, but it just gets a bit overwhelming at times. There is so much to do and to buy and bills to pay - and then there is a baby to take care of for the rest of its life. This is the greatest blessing that I have ever received, but it is an awesome responsibility too.....

I am seven weeks pregnant now and busy. I am working on cleaning my house and getting the nursery ready (yes, I know that I have forever still, but it involves me and cleaning, so better to start early). I caved and was able to pick some things up on ebay. I also started embroidering a really cute quilt top. It seems like there is such a long time (seven months), but we have to work out a budget for what we need, and the rate at which I do crafts - let's just say that if I started it *before* I was pregnant, there would still be no guarantee.

ps. I *really* need to get a sewing machine! I have patterns and fabric - but no machine...

Well, I saw the doctor today and everything went really well. He decided to wait on the U/S - but just two weeks.

I'm only just over six weeks along, and if my cycle calculations are off - it wouldn't show much anyway.

He did confirm by blood test and physical exam that I am indeed pregnant - and while I did know that, it feels different to hear it from him, you know?

He seems like a good dr and I look forward to working with him.

I do have to go to the endocrinologist on Monday though... he is worried about my blood sugar. (I have diabetes related to my insulin resistance PCOS.)

I am really happy, though, and some of my worries have been eased.

Welcome to my journal. Yesterday, I found out that I am just over 6 weeks pregnant. I think my due date is 24 October 2004, right near Halloween. I am so happy and so scared and in such a state of shock.

For ten years, they have been telling me that this couldn't happen, and in the last year, I had pretty much started to give up on the idea of ever being a mom. It really feels like a miracle.

I don't have much family, and what I do have ins't close geographically, so I hope to use this journal to share my progress with them and with friends online.

I don't think I've ever been so happy and so scared all at the same time.