24 October 2004

I'm kind of sad today. Earlier this year, I was expecting my first child. He was due today. He didn't make it. I am currently waiting, once again, to find out if I am now carrying one who will be my "first." ... but it's not the same.

It's been really hard on me emotionally. I imagine that it always will be. For one thing, I am no longer as naive as I was before my loss. I don't think that there will be any day during my next pregnancy where I will ever feel "safe" - not until I hold my, hopefully, healthy child in my arms - and that will just bring a new set of worries. So much can go wrong....

I know that a lot of things go right too - and that is my fondest wish...

I really want to have a baby. I want to be a mom. Today is a really hard day to just be me.