My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

... of the cycle from hell.

( TMI Alert )

When I was growing up, the Serenity Prayer was one of my favorite things... it's running through my head this morning... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

On a related note, I did notice that my tempature is lower on days when I have the heat on in the bedroom and higher when it is not. However, the 97.7, 97.8, 97.9 temps of the weekend are typical of my post-O shift. The fallback rise is even pretty normal for me, but I still wouldn't put money on whether I O'd or when.

We bought one of those kits (Baby Start) and I did the test yesterday for DH. It measures sperm count, +/- 20 mil, (A regular SA checks several factors: count, motility, morphology, viscosity). It gives us a place to start.

It cost us $20 (for two tests). I've seen them most places for $30.

Those things are d@mn hard to read. It is a qualitative test - like an OPK, it has to be the same or darker than the control.

I think it was the same - it was really close. There is a second test included in the kit, and we'll do it this weekend...

My opinion - DH really needs to see a urologist, because there are so many other things that can be wrong too. I KNOW I have problems, and can't get pregnant - DH is like //I'm probably fine, after all, I did get you pregnant at least twice // that's true, but as enlightened as DH is, he doesn't want to hear that he might have a problem...

((( I also want him to see the urologist because he has trouble "finishing" sometimes... ))) - let's air it all, shall we?

I'm doing what I can to make myself ovulate so we can catch the egg, and he is really supportive, but it is really hard.

Anyway I don't know if we will actually get any useful info from this test, but it can't hurt, right?

My blood test was negative. I stopped the progesterone, and am waiting for AF, so that I can start another cycle. I am starting to spot, so I figure it will be the next day or two.

This makes my cycle really long, since my dr doesn't do the blood test until CD35, and apparently, I won't start until I stop the suppliments, which I can't do until after the test.

I broke down and tested yesterday, and of course it was BFN. I thought I had a dr appt this week, and I was going to get my blood test then, but turns out the appt isn't until next week. I'll have to call my ob/gyn and tell them abput my mistake and ask them what to do.

If anyone can answer a question about progesterone suppliments for me, I would appreciate it:
I am 13 dpo and using progesterone suppositories bid. Will AF come, even if I am still taking them? I know if you are taking provera or something like that, you stop it and then AF comes, but what about the suppositories? Basically, am I prolonging the wait (my agony), if I am not PG?

ETA: Apparently, it varies. Some women will still get AF. In my case, my progesterone is so low, I have to stop them first.

I am only obsessing a little bit this month.... I have some symptoms, but I am prefacing any statement about them with the disclaimer that it could very well be the hormones. As a matter of fact - that's my excuse for everything this month.

Progesterone can cause PMS like symptoms, including mood swings, to which my DH will attest and wholehardly agree. We both had a good laugh yesterday afternoon, when, a little while after I had explained to him my theory that "it's the hormones" is the proper response to most questions, we were walking into K-Mart. He looked over and asked me while I was smiling. I shrugged and said, "it's the hormones" - really, I had no reason, just had a sudden little rush of endorphins. It was still quite amusing.

The second thing that is weird is that I am so tired during the late afternoon. Twice this week, I almost fell asleep in public, I was so sleepy. I need a nap. However, come night time, I am hard pressed to get comfortable and fall asleep (but eventualy am getting sufficient amount).

This unrest can also be because I have to pee almost every hour.I am diabetic and drink a lot of water, but this is excessive, even for me.

I told my DH this morning, "I better be pregnant with your kid." He said, "Of course, it's mine. You don't go anywhere." I growled at him.

I also yelled at him last night. His offense - he touched my breasts. Ow! They are really sore, especially in the nipples, but not really to the touch, just in general - a feeling similiar to extremely dry skin or something. Of course, I grew almost a cup size by the time I was 6 weeks pregnant last time. This could also just be a pms symptom.

Just a few more days and I will begin testing. I guess I'll know for sure within a week. I already have a blood test schedueled, if AF doesn't show up before then.

Uhh, I feel sick. My progesterone suppliments are making me cramp and nauseous. The nurse said that she had heard similar complaints before.

Also, I am so tired. I practically fell asleep in Hastings at about 4:30 this afternoon, slept the whole way home in the car and then took a four hour nap. (Because of DH's scheduele, we don't usually get up before 10am.)I am exhausted.

All of this started Saturday, slightly, but gets worse each day. Also, DH says my mood swings are bad - I believe him.

It's like a combination of pregnancy and PMS all rolled up into one, times ten.

I hope that I get pregnant soon, because I am hating these treatments.

On the baby front - The official due date is April 16, so anytime before then we should have our little ones. DH is going down to meet with the mom this weekend. She is going to give us the ultrasound picture and some baby stuff that she has collected for us.


I'm still waiting to hear back from the dr's office about what I need to do before I can start my next round of treatments.

I've been quiet the last few weeks, not because i haven't had anything to say, but mostly because I have been "processing" stuff. I went through my first round of fertility drugs and it is looking like a big fat waste of time. Suddenly, though, I'm not so upset about that any more.

For several weeks now, my Dh and I have been pursuing the option of adoption, with a young woman we know that is pregnant. We have an agreement in place, but I am tentative about telling anyone, because it is still early enough that anything can happen. I don't think I will feel completely secure until they are in my arms and the papers are signed. That's right - they - she just found out this afternoon that she is expecting TRIPLETS !!!

I am almost hysterical, I am so happy. She is adamant about not splitting them up, which is fine by me... We were joking with her this morning, when she informed us that it was twins "or more" that we'd take 6. (We don't really want six, but mind you, who honestly does, until they are blessed with them. ) Three is perfectly fine by me.

We don't have an exact due date yet, but it is looking like mid-May, which probably means mid-April. That's good because it gives us time to get settled and such - and if I do happen to get pregnant in the next few months (yes, we are going to keep trying until our six months are up), then the triplets will be about six months old when the newborn comes.

I am ecstatic! We have so much stuff to get still, now. I had a lot of stuff for one baby, but nowhere enough for 3.... Oh boy! and diapers and bottles, and formula.... Neither cloth nor disposables seems like a viable option for three babies, so we will probably have to go with some combination thereof. Breastfeeding (which I had planned for my own) isn't really an option, so lots of formula then... and clothes and cribs and strollers and car seats, and a new mini-van for the car seats. WOW!!!!!!!

Wish us luck.

Ok, I really like my doctor. We don't always agree 100% and he has definite ideas about things, but I really feel like he listens and is supportive.

I went in today to see about starting Clomid....

First of all, the nurse is great, I talked to her the other day about my cycle and about seeing the dr, and she must have written it all down after I left, because they knew what cycle day I was on and everything...

He agreed to start the Clomid and check on my progesterone later, but then changed his mind.

I'm going to take Clomid (50 mg) days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy.

He'll check on day 21 to see if I have ovulated, if not he'll up the Clomid for the next cycle. He'll give me 6 months, then its off to the RE.

I'm so glad that he is treating me aggressively, and that he and his staff are so completely supportive. After all of these years being ignored and told that it's "all in your head" or it's my fault because I'm overweight, it is such a blessing to have someone who listens and communicates.

I almost can't wait for this cycle to be over, so that we can do it already... :)