The Story So Far...

Oct. 14th, 2009 02:34 am
lyssac: (Default)


My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

The Final Countdown...

Apr. 4th, 2005 04:16 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


AF is due tomorrow. My temp actually went up this am, .2 above my highest to date. My temps have been a little weird this month.

I did take a test last night at DH's urging, even though I am only 11dpo. It was negative - I'm not really surprised. It has been a strange few days, though. I am having early pg symptoms - granted they all could have multiple explanations, and likely do mean something else.

Even if AF doesn't show tomorrow, I will have to give her a few days leeway because I have a short LP. FF has me testing tomorrow, but I will probably hold out til Wednesday at least.

... but I think this is going to be my last month actively TTC. I'm not going back to the dr, no more clomid (that doesn't work and just screws me up). I am going to work on losing some weight, getting into a little better shape, fixing up my house, maybe write a book.

I don't know why this is the deadline I set for myself, but I've felt it coming on for a bit. Maybe it's the anniversary of my last miscarriage... maybe it's just time.

I'll probably still hang out here, but I need to stop my baby obsession.

I may or may not chart, but I'm not going to worry about it. Maybe we'll have another surprose... maybe not.

It feels good. That's not to say that I'm not hoping for a BFP this month, but if it doesn't come, I am ready to move on.

I want to thank all of you who have helped support me this past year. You have all meant a lot to me, and I wish you guys luck on your ttc journey.

The continuing saga...

Mar. 29th, 2005 10:39 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


... of the cycle from hell.

TMI Alert )

When I was growing up, the Serenity Prayer was one of my favorite things... it's running through my head this morning... "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change..."

On a related note, I did notice that my tempature is lower on days when I have the heat on in the bedroom and higher when it is not. However, the 97.7, 97.8, 97.9 temps of the weekend are typical of my post-O shift. The fallback rise is even pretty normal for me, but I still wouldn't put money on whether I O'd or when.

No Joy

Mar. 15th, 2005 10:37 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


The clomid is really not working for me. I am on CD21 and still no O again this month. I am upset. My gyn is supportive, but really not what I need. I don't think there is an RE nearby, and most likely not in-network for my insurance. It is so frustrating.

At home sperm analysis

Feb. 23rd, 2005 01:57 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


We bought one of those kits (Baby Start) and I did the test yesterday for DH. It measures sperm count, +/- 20 mil, (A regular SA checks several factors: count, motility, morphology, viscosity). It gives us a place to start.

It cost us $20 (for two tests). I've seen them most places for $30.

Those things are d@mn hard to read. It is a qualitative test - like an OPK, it has to be the same or darker than the control.

I think it was the same - it was really close. There is a second test included in the kit, and we'll do it this weekend...

My opinion - DH really needs to see a urologist, because there are so many other things that can be wrong too. I KNOW I have problems, and can't get pregnant - DH is like //I'm probably fine, after all, I did get you pregnant at least twice // that's true, but as enlightened as DH is, he doesn't want to hear that he might have a problem...

((( I also want him to see the urologist because he has trouble "finishing" sometimes... ))) - let's air it all, shall we?

I'm doing what I can to make myself ovulate so we can catch the egg, and he is really supportive, but it is really hard.

Anyway I don't know if we will actually get any useful info from this test, but it can't hurt, right?

Wasted cycle... (ventish)

Feb. 1st, 2005 05:42 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


Well, looks like I am out of it already this month. I'm only on CD17, but I have enough experience to know that this cycle was a bust.... I didn't O, even with the clomid. I'll go in Friday for my progesterone test, to be sure, but I'm not starting the suppositories today like I was supposed to.

It will still be a long wait before I can try again. Even if the test from Friday proves I didn't ovulate, I will have to wait another two weeks before they consider provera to bring on my cycle.

That happened in my Oct-Dec cycle, but because we were planning the adoption and stuff, I ended up not taking it, and letting AF eventually come on her own.

I think I might do that this time too. I REALLY want a baby, and REALLY want to be PG right now, but I am stressed with the TTC stuff.

I don't just take clomid a couple of days a month - I am taking meds or testing or something once or twice a day, for just about every day of my cycle. If you thought charting was bad for promoting obsession with your body... I don't ever get to not think about it.

I think I need a break. DH has been saying so, too. I don't know if I am ready for another treatment cycle right now, but I guess I'll have time to think about it and whether I need a longer break.

I thinking I am in one of those mourning phases again, where I am about to accept this and move on...

Except, that's where I was last year this time, and then I got pregnant. My only problem with that scenario, is that because of my irregular cycles, I was 6 weeks pg before I figured it out last time - and shortly thereafter, I started having problems. They also say that progesterone suppliments are only helpful if you start taking them right after O and by 6 weeks or so, it is too late. That could mean that I end up in the same position all over again.

Dammit, why can't I just have a baby already.

BFN!

Jan. 15th, 2005 01:44 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


My blood test was negative. I stopped the progesterone, and am waiting for AF, so that I can start another cycle. I am starting to spot, so I figure it will be the next day or two.

This makes my cycle really long, since my dr doesn't do the blood test until CD35, and apparently, I won't start until I stop the suppliments, which I can't do until after the test.

(no subject)

Jan. 13th, 2005 01:01 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


I have been cramping quite a bit and my breasts are starting to be sore again, but my HPT was neg as of 16dpo, so I think it is just my body trying to have AF, but unable to because of the progesterone. I am ready for this cycle to be over and am cursing my drs 35 day policy.

Progesterone Suppliments

Jan. 9th, 2005 11:15 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


I broke down and tested yesterday, and of course it was BFN. I thought I had a dr appt this week, and I was going to get my blood test then, but turns out the appt isn't until next week. I'll have to call my ob/gyn and tell them abput my mistake and ask them what to do.

If anyone can answer a question about progesterone suppliments for me, I would appreciate it:
I am 13 dpo and using progesterone suppositories bid. Will AF come, even if I am still taking them? I know if you are taking provera or something like that, you stop it and then AF comes, but what about the suppositories? Basically, am I prolonging the wait (my agony), if I am not PG?

ETA: Apparently, it varies. Some women will still get AF. In my case, my progesterone is so low, I have to stop them first.

Scared of a stick

Jan. 7th, 2005 03:31 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


AF was due for me today, but she's a no show. Of course, I am only 11dpo.

DH asked me again this am to test, but I keep putting it off. I told him maybe Monday. He said that I had told him that I would do it tomorrow.

(I used to think he wasn't much into this TTC thing, but I have found the last few months that is totally not true.... )

I think I'm scared of that stick. I have my excuse for my symptoms (progesterone), and I am totally freaked by the idea of finding out whether I am actually pg or not. I think I don't want my hopes to be shot down. Maybe, I just like secretly believing that I am pregnant, while pretending that I'm not....

And even if I am - I still have 2 months til I would be out of the first trimester. That seems like forever.... but that is the imaginary goal that I have set for myself. I don't trust the first u/s or the heartbeat, or any of that, because I had that before....

Maybe, I can hibernate and wake up 4 mos pregnant. What do you think? I'd still get to experience most of it, and wouldn't have as many of the worries.

Symptom Watch - January

Jan. 6th, 2005 03:15 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


I am only obsessing a little bit this month.... I have some symptoms, but I am prefacing any statement about them with the disclaimer that it could very well be the hormones. As a matter of fact - that's my excuse for everything this month.

Progesterone can cause PMS like symptoms, including mood swings, to which my DH will attest and wholehardly agree. We both had a good laugh yesterday afternoon, when, a little while after I had explained to him my theory that "it's the hormones" is the proper response to most questions, we were walking into K-Mart. He looked over and asked me while I was smiling. I shrugged and said, "it's the hormones" - really, I had no reason, just had a sudden little rush of endorphins. It was still quite amusing.

The second thing that is weird is that I am so tired during the late afternoon. Twice this week, I almost fell asleep in public, I was so sleepy. I need a nap. However, come night time, I am hard pressed to get comfortable and fall asleep (but eventualy am getting sufficient amount).

This unrest can also be because I have to pee almost every hour.I am diabetic and drink a lot of water, but this is excessive, even for me.

I told my DH this morning, "I better be pregnant with your kid." He said, "Of course, it's mine. You don't go anywhere." I growled at him.

I also yelled at him last night. His offense - he touched my breasts. Ow! They are really sore, especially in the nipples, but not really to the touch, just in general - a feeling similiar to extremely dry skin or something. Of course, I grew almost a cup size by the time I was 6 weeks pregnant last time. This could also just be a pms symptom.

Just a few more days and I will begin testing. I guess I'll know for sure within a week. I already have a blood test schedueled, if AF doesn't show up before then.

(no subject)

Jan. 6th, 2005 02:19 am
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


I got my 21-day pregesterone level results back Wed - 20.5 woohoo! a huge leap from last months 0.7....

So, yeah, I did ovulate (yes, virginia, there is a santa claus)

I went into the dr, today, though, because i was having some troubling symptoms, and wasn't sure what was up...

He told me to avoid any strenuous activity, that it could be from ovarian stimulation. While my ovaries aren't really enlarged (or no more than usual) my body isn't used to ovulating.

Of course, after he said that, I said that the discomfort had been worse when I when to bed last night, and we had DTD... :: sigh ::

I am only 9dpo, and as such in that limbo that even if I might be, I am not officially pregnant. Is he being over cautious, or is this par for the course with someone with my history of recurrent miscarriages, and ovarian problems.... he did put me on pelvic rest at the first sign of problems last pregnancy.

Any advice?

but hey, honestly, I will do what ever it takes to bring a healthy baby to term... I hope this month is it for us.

Hormone Hell

Jan. 3rd, 2005 11:18 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


Uhh, I feel sick. My progesterone suppliments are making me cramp and nauseous. The nurse said that she had heard similar complaints before.

Also, I am so tired. I practically fell asleep in Hastings at about 4:30 this afternoon, slept the whole way home in the car and then took a four hour nap. (Because of DH's scheduele, we don't usually get up before 10am.)I am exhausted.

All of this started Saturday, slightly, but gets worse each day. Also, DH says my mood swings are bad - I believe him.

It's like a combination of pregnancy and PMS all rolled up into one, times ten.

I hope that I get pregnant soon, because I am hating these treatments.

Prochieve Protocol - Cycle 2

Jan. 2nd, 2005 01:28 am
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


Monday, I go in for my progesterone blood test to confirm ovulation. I am pretty sure it will be good, as I had a positive OPK last Sunday. I have been on some form of medication or testing, everyday this cycle (or twice a day) it seems. I hope that it is all doing something.

I have another week to ten days before I will know, one way or the other (provided I get good results from Monday's blood work). My fingers are crossed.

Baby Update

Dec. 2nd, 2004 02:36 pm
lyssac: (baby)


On the baby front - The official due date is April 16, so anytime before then we should have our little ones. DH is going down to meet with the mom this weekend. She is going to give us the ultrasound picture and some baby stuff that she has collected for us.


I'm still waiting to hear back from the dr's office about what I need to do before I can start my next round of treatments.

Test Results

Nov. 22nd, 2004 06:14 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


Well, at least I had some good news yesterday. Today wasn't so good. I got my bloodwork back from last week. I had to take a 21-day progesterone test, to see if I ovulated on the fertility meds. I knew that I hadn't but still....

My levels were low, very low. I didn't get a number - but hey, figure pretty much non-existent. My doctor has no hope of me getting my period this month, and figures that I will have to use Provera to bring it on, so that I can try this all over again.

I didn't have to ask about upping the meds though (which I wanted). The nurse kindly informed me that there was no other option.

Apparantly, not only did I fail this round of treatment, I did so quite spectacularly. Yeah me (:: insert sarcasm::)

Many Blessings

Nov. 21st, 2004 03:03 pm
lyssac: (baby)


I've been quiet the last few weeks, not because i haven't had anything to say, but mostly because I have been "processing" stuff. I went through my first round of fertility drugs and it is looking like a big fat waste of time. Suddenly, though, I'm not so upset about that any more.

For several weeks now, my Dh and I have been pursuing the option of adoption, with a young woman we know that is pregnant. We have an agreement in place, but I am tentative about telling anyone, because it is still early enough that anything can happen. I don't think I will feel completely secure until they are in my arms and the papers are signed. That's right - they - she just found out this afternoon that she is expecting TRIPLETS !!!

I am almost hysterical, I am so happy. She is adamant about not splitting them up, which is fine by me... We were joking with her this morning, when she informed us that it was twins "or more" that we'd take 6. (We don't really want six, but mind you, who honestly does, until they are blessed with them. ) Three is perfectly fine by me.

We don't have an exact due date yet, but it is looking like mid-May, which probably means mid-April. That's good because it gives us time to get settled and such - and if I do happen to get pregnant in the next few months (yes, we are going to keep trying until our six months are up), then the triplets will be about six months old when the newborn comes.

I am ecstatic! We have so much stuff to get still, now. I had a lot of stuff for one baby, but nowhere enough for 3.... Oh boy! and diapers and bottles, and formula.... Neither cloth nor disposables seems like a viable option for three babies, so we will probably have to go with some combination thereof. Breastfeeding (which I had planned for my own) isn't really an option, so lots of formula then... and clothes and cribs and strollers and car seats, and a new mini-van for the car seats. WOW!!!!!!!

Wish us luck.

Work....

Oct. 13th, 2004 01:41 am
lyssac: (journal)


I did something today that I haven't done in four and a half years - I worked. It's off-the-book waitressing. Four hours a day. I felt really good. It's not a lot of money, but it is helpful to our really tight budget.

Health-wise this hasn't been possible before and I hope I can keep it up for a while. If nothing else, it will help pay for next months fertility treatments. Also, since it's off the books, there is no real commitment. Once it gets to be too much, I can quit.

Four hours seems workable... it's long enough to make it worth it, but not so long that I get too worn out physically. What sucks about it, is that some nights Leland can't take me home, so I am stuck in town until after he gets off at midnight.

Ready to try again...

Oct. 6th, 2004 06:57 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


Ok, I really like my doctor. We don't always agree 100% and he has definite ideas about things, but I really feel like he listens and is supportive.

I went in today to see about starting Clomid....

First of all, the nurse is great, I talked to her the other day about my cycle and about seeing the dr, and she must have written it all down after I left, because they knew what cycle day I was on and everything...

He agreed to start the Clomid and check on my progesterone later, but then changed his mind.

I'm going to take Clomid (50 mg) days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy.

He'll check on day 21 to see if I have ovulated, if not he'll up the Clomid for the next cycle. He'll give me 6 months, then its off to the RE.

I'm so glad that he is treating me aggressively, and that he and his staff are so completely supportive. After all of these years being ignored and told that it's "all in your head" or it's my fault because I'm overweight, it is such a blessing to have someone who listens and communicates.

I almost can't wait for this cycle to be over, so that we can do it already... :)