Random is as random does...

Mar. 6th, 2010 03:59 am
lyssac: (fun meme)


Funny thing happened on my way to posting in my journal... I turned off an episode of Supernatural to come and post, only to see at the top of my journal, "The Story So Far..." It makes me giggle, because I inadvertently ganked that from Supernatural, and ironically the moment I fell in love with / realized I was in love with the show... [[[The end of the first season, with the flashback vid set to 'Carry On My Wayward Son' - and still always my favorite part of the season]]] And now that I realize I did it, I'm still keeping it :)

You know pregnancy changes a lot of things in your life, but did you know it changes your taste buds too? [[Disclaimer: NO, that is not an announcement]] I am currently devouring my third mint - chocolate - cone - pop - drumstick - thingy since Thursday night. They are so friggen, deliciously awesome. However, I hate mint - with a passion. I have used kid's bubblegum, fruity toothpastes, or vanilla, or my current a weird orange Scope kind of toothpaste for as long as I remember, because I so gag at the idea of mint. However, since my last pregnancy I have had a weird soft spot for mint chocolate chip ice cream with its Andes candies flavor. Mmmm, yummm. How weird is that? Especially since I was last pregnant in the fall of 2006, and the craving persists. ***shrugs***

On a TTC note, I have been charting again, but it has mostly been diheartening. DH has not been very cooperative in doing his part, due to performance issues, weight gain that has made him out of shape, and worsening depression, but I can't get on him too bad about not stepping up when the opportunity arises (so to speak) because my charting is only telling me how cooperative my own body is not....

I'll have a few days of EWCM, followed by a temp spike that the next day (or a few hours later) drops completely away again. It's like my body keeps gearing up to ovulate, harder and harder each week, but can't make it over the hurdle. It's very, very frustrating.

I'll be 35 in a couple of months, and I know that women conceive older than that, I can't help but feel that my window of opportunity is closing. My ten year anniversary is this year. We have only ever used birth control in passing (some condoms in the beginning before we married, a month or two of birth control pills here and there as I have needed them to reset my cycles, etc. We did the whole clomid thing, only to find that I was resistant to it. While I may be able to get it covered, my problem isn't one of the ones listed for our insurance to cover IVF, and what if we did go through all of that only to miscarry again. Tha would suck majorly.

I'm thinking of adoption again, but really, I don't know if I am up to that kind of heartbreak again either, nor can we currently afford it.

I don't know - this turned out to be a lot more depressing than I thought it would be.

My jobs not going so bad three months in, though it has its days. It think about blogging about it, I just don't want to talk about it when I get home most of the time. Money's tight, but we are working on it, and settling into our new home. I'm trying to plan for grad school as soon as I finish paying off the $3500 I owe on my bachelor's degree.

Keebler's "Wheatables" Nut Crisp (Roasted Almond) crackers are surprisingly good. 16 crackers have 19 net carbs, and 3g protein, 6g fat, but they do taste good.

The Story So Far...

Oct. 14th, 2009 02:34 am
lyssac: (Default)


My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

Rant-ish Depression

Dec. 19th, 2004 12:21 am
lyssac: (journal)


This is so not my time of year. I am currently living in a "if it can go wrong, it will" environment.

Money is extremely tight. We have more bills than income, even though DH has a good job. One of the reasons is our continued vehicle problems. The new van we bought 2 weeks ago died today with no warning. We think it's just the battery and are going to get a new one tomorrow. However, DH had to call into work, because he had no transportation, and he got into trouble for calling in late (because the car worked fine earlier in the day - and not when he had to go to work).
We currently have 4 vehicles here (1 we want to sell, and one that belongs to DH grandparents) and ALL of them have mechanical problems and don't run.

The adoption that we have been working on - not happening. We got screwed over, and no babies for us.

Our kichen sink is and has been backed up - I put drain cleaner down it, we took the pipes out underthe sink, we put sulferic acid tonight - no luck. Guy at Lowe's says it's probbly septic system, which our landlord is SO not going to want to hear.

Our phone isn't working correctly. The signal gets to the box, and the house is wired correctly (we checked) so we have a bad box at the post, but I mised my paymentr on the phonebill Friday, since DISH Network deducted their payment 2 weeks early this month, so I am wary about calling them. Who knows how long it is going to take them to come out, anyway.... especially with the holidays.

And we had to take our new heater back to Wal-Mart today to get money to pay a bill. Now it's cold here again. I can't win.

So, yeah, i am a litte depressed and a whole lot stressed. I just wish that things would get better. I could really use a merry christmas and a happy new year.

Stress is a way of life.

Dec. 7th, 2004 04:18 pm
lyssac: (baby)


The birth mother of our triplets is 21 weeks 3 days pregnant as of today. She is due April 16.

From the start, the dr told her that they would probably be born the end of Feb, or the beginning or middle of March. Well, she informed us this morning that the doctor said they might come as early as next month (January), because they have already dropped. She is pretty tiny, and they are just running out of room in there.

She isn't on bedrest or anything, (though she does have a sit down job). I know that the babies aren't really a priority for her. She is hating everything about being pregnant, but I am so worried about these little ones.

We knew that there was a good chance that they would be early, but we were holding out for 3 March at least. at this point 3 February would be a miracle. I am really scared. I know DH is too.

The sad thing is that we have absolutely no control over this. :'(

Baby Update

Dec. 2nd, 2004 02:36 pm
lyssac: (baby)


On the baby front - The official due date is April 16, so anytime before then we should have our little ones. DH is going down to meet with the mom this weekend. She is going to give us the ultrasound picture and some baby stuff that she has collected for us.


I'm still waiting to hear back from the dr's office about what I need to do before I can start my next round of treatments.

More baby news....

Nov. 27th, 2004 02:00 pm
lyssac: (baby)


On the baby watch update... we found out that we are having 3 boys. WOW! I really would have liked a little girl, but I am not disappointed. I am trying to wrap my mind around the concept of three little ones. It is amaing, and I am giddy.

So not only are there three babies, we won't be waiting as long as we thought for them either. Her estimated due date has been moved up to April, with the babies possibly coming at the end of February or in March - That means I have only 3 months to get everything in order.............

That's so crazy (and expensive), but I am so looking forward to having those little ones here with us.

A positive FYI: It only takes 11 days to finalize an adoption in Arkansas, and a birth father can pre-consent to the adoption.

Many Blessings

Nov. 21st, 2004 03:03 pm
lyssac: (baby)


I've been quiet the last few weeks, not because i haven't had anything to say, but mostly because I have been "processing" stuff. I went through my first round of fertility drugs and it is looking like a big fat waste of time. Suddenly, though, I'm not so upset about that any more.

For several weeks now, my Dh and I have been pursuing the option of adoption, with a young woman we know that is pregnant. We have an agreement in place, but I am tentative about telling anyone, because it is still early enough that anything can happen. I don't think I will feel completely secure until they are in my arms and the papers are signed. That's right - they - she just found out this afternoon that she is expecting TRIPLETS !!!

I am almost hysterical, I am so happy. She is adamant about not splitting them up, which is fine by me... We were joking with her this morning, when she informed us that it was twins "or more" that we'd take 6. (We don't really want six, but mind you, who honestly does, until they are blessed with them. ) Three is perfectly fine by me.

We don't have an exact due date yet, but it is looking like mid-May, which probably means mid-April. That's good because it gives us time to get settled and such - and if I do happen to get pregnant in the next few months (yes, we are going to keep trying until our six months are up), then the triplets will be about six months old when the newborn comes.

I am ecstatic! We have so much stuff to get still, now. I had a lot of stuff for one baby, but nowhere enough for 3.... Oh boy! and diapers and bottles, and formula.... Neither cloth nor disposables seems like a viable option for three babies, so we will probably have to go with some combination thereof. Breastfeeding (which I had planned for my own) isn't really an option, so lots of formula then... and clothes and cribs and strollers and car seats, and a new mini-van for the car seats. WOW!!!!!!!

Wish us luck.