The Story So Far...

Oct. 14th, 2009 02:34 am
lyssac: (Default)


My Ovusoft/TCOYF software has me pegged for ovulation for today, and I am filling in some of the gaps in my journal with the scribbles that I have been filling my notebooks in with lately. Here's a little of my personal history for those that are just starting to play along from home.

Pre-diagnosis:

I began menstruating at age 10, accompanied by very heavy flow, migraines and very irregular, painful cycles; it sucked!!! I had an early miscarriage as a teen that I blocked out of my mind and chose to never think about again, except when this later became a recurring theme in my life. I had to visits to the ER, my freshman year of college for abdominal pain that was written off as nothing/indigestion and by the way you have a cyst on your ovary.

Diagnosis:

This was some of the worst times for me, and it wasn't even because of the infertility diagnosis, which I didn't even realize I was getting, but because it took so long and so much fighting on my part for anyone to acknowledge that anything was wrong.

I was in the Army at the time, and after being admitted to the hospital for menorraghia (extremely heavy bleeding, as if your insides are trying to get on your outside), and a doctor who was sure it was cancer until he opened my up and saw nothing but polycystic ovaies that he deemed unimportant. Several doctors and some very invasive tests later, a very nice Internal Medicine doctor looked at my records, my surgical report, and ordered a simple blood test (FSH/LH ratio) and I had a diagnosis, but no real explanation for my chronic pelvis pain.

I also experienced my first ruptured cyst (OMG owowowow!!!! and the subsequent removal from the barracks by the fire rescue squad, which kept my roommate and I from being AWOL from morning formation), continuing painful periods and migraines that would make me pretty much crawl in bed with narcotics and hide.

Trying to Conceive:

I learned some things about my body early. For example, while most women have trouble reestablishing fertility after BCP, I realized that I was MORE likely to ovulate that first month after BCP than any other time (I could feel it), and I was young, and not overly concerned about my fertility. It was one of the first things I discussed with the man who is now my husband, and he pretty much agreed to go with the flow as far as that was concerned in that while we used condoms in the beginning of our relationship, and I occasionally go on birth control pills to help my body relax or reset itself, we haven't used any form of reliable birth control in the twelve years we have been together.

I have experienced 3 pregnancies in that time: An unconfirmed miscarriage of twins in June 2002, my 2004 miscarriage, and my 2006 miscarriage. All 3 of those were naturally occuring and resulted in first trimester miscarriages. The last two had heartbeats on the ultrasound.

I take Metformin daily (850mg x3) along with insulin for diabetes, and in 2004-2005, I attempted to take Clomid (the prochieve protocol: Clomid days 3-7, Estradiol days 8-12, and Progesterone supplements from day 17 through to either menses or week 10 of pregnancy) and failed spectacularly to ovulate. I was determined to be resistant to Clomid.

We did attempt one adoption (of newborn triplets in 2004). It went badly. We have discussed it as a future possibility, but have made no further inquiries.

Current Status:

A lot of the time, I am ok with my status as infertile, and make plans for my life as it is, but I still harbor a small spark of hope that I will one day have a child in my life. Every so often (as in right now, when I am taking the time to update this journal so thoroughly, that spark flares up into a raging bonfire that can only be channeled into some pursuit of happiness.

I have no idea how the story ends.

I informed DH...

Oct. 12th, 2009 02:26 am
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


that I know he is tired, and it wasn't likely, but if there was any chance in hell, we needed to have sex tonight.

There's this illustration in the TCOYF book with the super-long string of EWCM (and the accompanying anecdote of the successful pregnancy that resulted) - that's me tonight (successful pregnancy pending*), and I am all achy and twingy in my pelvis.

Today is day 17 of my cycle, and that's about when I usually ovulate if it's going to happen. (The last few months, I have had my slightly longer, mostly regular, but annovulatory cycles, so I am due for a good one.)

So, you know good thoughts, baby wishes, and fairy dust (lottery tickets - whatever your personal magic is) are all welcome. It's been too many years, and too many losses. I've pretty much reconciled myself to not having a baby at this point, but I can't help but hope on days like this.

I want a miracle.

It goes on...

Oct. 4th, 2009 05:33 pm
lyssac: (Default)


I find myself living in my head again. Everyday, I think of so much that I would like to share, or an anectdote that I find amusing, and yet, I just can't find the time to sit down and type out those few simple words.

I am having a lovely time in my bloodbanking rotation. I have finished my first week and have just over 3 more to go. Everyone tells me how bored I would be doing my job, because it's much the same from day to day, but I am having a ball in blood bank, even when I am sometimes struggling with the concepts.

Cut for the technical details )

I also finally got the Apartment Life expansion pack of SIMS2 installed on my computer, and have been doing some downloading and minor modding/adjusting of my game down, but despite my keen interest, haven't managed to actually play the game yet. I'd say that's pretty much par for the course for my life right now. I am so busy doing stuff that I am not finding time to get anything done.

I am constantly exhausted and feel like my to-do list is going to eat me alive. ((Despite actually working on my homework ahead of time this week, I forgot to turn in in on Thursday, threatening to sink my B in that class.)) I get up at "oh, my god, it's early" to be at the hospital by 5:30 or so in the morning, work until just after 2, and then walk home (about 25 minutes) check my email and relax for a few minutes and then am exhausted by 4pm or so. Sometimes, I take a nap, then work on my homework, until it is time to fall into bed for a few hours before it is time to do it all again.

I've gotten a little writing done in between things, and plan on making some more earrings tonight to take in with me tomorrow, as a couple of the girls bought some a few weeks ago, and I could really use the money.

I got my bill for this semester the other day. It's about $3500 due before graduation in December, and considering that we are about $1000 behind on our rent, I don't see that happening. *sigh* I have that familiar drowning feeling again, and that doesn't even coulnt what it will be like in a few weeks, when I have to go out of town for my last rotation, adding an hour or more commute in the am's and having to wait until after DH gets off at almost 9pm, before he can even come get me... I'll be lucky if I am home by 11pm each night, and gone by 4:30 the next morning. One day at a time, though. That's what I keep telling myself

How are you guys doing, I've missed a lot on lj, some days I don't even manage to log in. I am thinking of you, though.

I Need New Skinny Jeans...

Sep. 25th, 2009 03:17 pm
lyssac: (Default)


I am having confuzed!weight issues.

My clothes are all too big for me. Good thing, right? YEAH!?

My skinny jeans, which have always been a bit stretchy (you know, really snug out of the dryer, comfortably looser by the end of the day) have entered gangsta territory (ie. barely hanging off my ass). My shirts are too big (but passible - I have a broad chest like an opera singer), My bras are too big (I've gone down a cup size due to weight loss), even my panties are now a size too big.

Great! Right? Except... I have no money for new clothes - heck, food and shelter are pretty much beyond my reach at this point, and I am just hoping the landlord holds off on the eviction notice a while longer.

Also, and the most confusing thing... I haven't lost a ton of weight. I've only lost 10-15 lbs in the last year (most of it this summer). And I haven't been that much more active (though I want to be), and yet, I feel ridiculous and self-conscious because my clothes are too big for me (yet, I still feel like a hugely obese aging whale.

I don't know, I guess that might be more pathetic things to whine about than dropping a few pounds, but I can't think of any right now.

Research: Autism and Immunization

Sep. 25th, 2009 08:07 am
lyssac: (Default)


My assigned research topic for special problems this semester is Autism and Immunization. It's really quite interesting, but also hard to develop, because one side is very logical, and scientifically supported, but it is arguing against a very emotional counterpoint.

I don't believe that there is a causal link between immunization and autism and the research overwhelmingly supports this, but like I said in my paper: while there may be no conclusive evidence of a link, the suggestion of risk to their children is enough for many parents to opt out of immunizations, especially when they don't understand or believe in the risks associated with NOT immunizing. It's hard, because I get their point of view, I do...

In fact, I would choose not to give certain immunizations to my child... (the new HPV vaccine, and the Chicken Pox vaccine,) for various reasons. But I belive that these parents have been misinformed and misled by people preying on their fears (or in the case of the study that sparked this panic, deceived by people who have since admitted that their conclusions were false and motivated by a conflict of interest.

But when parents have lost their child to SIDS, or their formerly happy, healthy child now has some serious neurological problems and they have been given a likely scapegoat, how can you convince them that it's just coincidence or "bad things just happen to good people for absolutely no reason".

It's tough....

I may publish my paper on my personal website when it's done, if anyone is interested. Or, heck, maybe even if no one is.

Baby Names (aka really?!?)

Sep. 18th, 2009 02:20 am
lyssac: (Default)


I've seen a lot of commentary lately about baby names. (Check out this link via [livejournal.com profile] elmyraemilie.)Here's what I've discovered...

Of the 20 babies born in my hospital so far this month, the babies have the following names:

Jaggyr, Analia, Alana, Ty'zaiah, Gannon, Cory, Lynlee, McKaylin, Callen, Skyler, Erika, Kaida, Kyleigh, Jacee, Gavin, Bryson, Baby A (unnamed), Caden, Aiden and Cooper.


Jaggyr? really?!?

The Place Where You Live

Sep. 18th, 2009 12:48 am
lyssac: (Default)


I am fast approaching graduation and the need to find a job. Luckily, my job is in high demand, and I can go just about anywhere, so I am looking for places to relocate.

So, tell me about where you live (Continental U.S, please). Is there a hospital/major medical center there? A college/university? Public transportation? Something else that makes it an awesome place to live (or you know, to be avoided at all costs)?


ps. I finished my Hematology rotation intact (grade pending), and my next rotation Immunohematology/Serology (aka Blood Bank) starts a week from Monday, again at St. B's (within walking distance!!!). Things are moving along.

Things Miss Manners Doesn't Teach You

Sep. 10th, 2009 05:58 pm
lyssac: (Default)


Wherein I ramble about manners )

What this is all leading up to, is that I committed a major faux pas today while trying to follow my 'manners' in a situation.

Three of us were having problems with our Hematology homework on bone marrow, and we went to my rotation supervisor, the Hematology Section Chief. She arranged it so that the on staff Histopathologist would review it with us. He did an awesome job, and the other two walked out after, without saying thank you, so I attempted to do so, and held out my hand to shake.

BIG mistake. He literally cringed back and muttered something like "swine flu". I had completely forgotten that I have a cold. (Though, I had just washed my hands.) There are signs everywhere about the flu, and swine flu and H1N1, and how you aren't supposed to come into work if you have flu-like systems, yadda. On the other hand, I couldn't take the day off just for a cold, and I am sneezy, coughy, etc. I have a cold.

I didn't know that when I had left the office briefly to go get a drink, he had wiped down everything behind me.

I apologized later, and told him that I had forgotten that I had a cold, and I had just wanted to thank him. He was quite gracious about it.

Still, there are no people more paranoid about germs and touching than health care workers, and apparently Pathologists are even more touchy than other people. (You sure hear some of the anecdotes that were told to me today after this...)

So, sometimes, "proper" manners, are a very 'improper' thing to follow :)

Recipe: Chicken Enchilada Casserole

Sep. 7th, 2009 05:45 pm
lyssac: (Default)


I've talked about my Chicken Enchilada Casserole a few times, and I made it last night, so I am in the mood to share. I don't really have a recipe for this, as I have said, I don't think I have made this the same way twice in the last 8 years. Also, it resembles Chicken Enchiladas only vaguely, in that it was inspired by them. It's my husband's favorite 'recipe' of mine - let's call it one experiment that stuck.

This will probably fit in a 9x13 pan with a little filling left over - though I have made HUGE batches before. Generally, I make up two 8x8 foil pans - 1 to eat, 1 to freeze for two people.

Also, I am a semi-homemade kind of girl, so shortcuts abound.

Read more... )

Questions? Comments? Feedback?

A Good Day After All

Aug. 28th, 2009 03:16 pm
lyssac: (Default)


Oh, I posty-spamming person lately... but I just had a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. I have to go back to my Hematology rotation on Monday, as I mentioned previously, and I was really, really worried about that, because I have always had a bit of trouble connecting with my supervisor and I really did screw up in the spring.

However, I have been sitting in Books-A-Million the last few hours, when I realized that C. (my supervisor) was standing over at the coffee shop, so I went over to talk to her (just friendly, hi, how's things kind of stuff). It went VERY well. She practically hugged me and seemed really happy that things were going well for me now, and really understanding.

Please forgive any bad things I have ever thought about her (we are probably just too much alike... lol). It is such a relief to know that Monday morning, I will be able to go in there with no extra stress, be able to review what I had done before and move on with a clean slate.

Thanks to whoever is looking out for me :)

Riding a Bike

Aug. 28th, 2009 11:20 am
lyssac: (Default)


Does anyone here ride a bike?

I know how to ride, in that I learned in Junior High, but it's been (quite) a few years since I have done it, and that was mostly riding around the neighborhood, in abandoned parking lots, and through the orchard near one of my foster parent's houses. I am thinking of getting a bike next month when my student loan comes in - because I pretty much walk everywhere. I was wondering about riding it in town/in traffic, and how hard it is, and whether it might be a good idea.

I'd love it if anyone had any advice.

Save the English Language

Aug. 28th, 2009 07:29 am
lyssac: (Default)


I have adopted a word at Save the Words, and I will admit, that I went round and round, clicking on words until I saw mine. It was the example sentence that sold it for me:

adimpleate (v. to fill up) : Would you be so kind to adimpleate the vial with your urine sample?

Though, really, the first time I said that, (and likely the second and third and so on) I would be met with that 'huh? are you talking English' blank stare that I see often enough anyway, but it amuses me nonetheless.

I signed up for the word of the day as well. Have to study for the GRE.


ETA: To help you all learn this new vocabulary word, and foster its use - many words you can pick out their meaning from the roots and such, but this one may or may not be so readily apparent - but if you think about dimple, it's a hole or depression in something and the a- prefix usually means like not, or opposite, so the opposite of making a hole or depression is to fill one up... got it?

Sign 'O the Times

Aug. 27th, 2009 07:41 pm
lyssac: (Default)


My on-line classes have gotten all fancy this semester. The previous program director/hematology professor retired last December, so someone new has stepped up. We do our on-line classes using Blackboard, which lets the professors post lectures and assignments, as well as tests and quizzes for students to do on their own time.

However, this semester, the professor's lectures are available as podcasts through my iTunes, with accompanying power point presentations. Fancy - and cool. He's even trying to work out a joint chat session so that we can ask questions and such.

Now, I just need to get the new book, as it is highly necessary, but I won't have my student loan until next month. I checked the library, but it's a new book, and they didn't even have a previous edition.

I do love the podcasts, even without the book to follow along, though, because I am an aural learner in part. My dyslexia makes it hard to just absorb facts while reading only.

Random dietary moods

Aug. 26th, 2009 04:23 pm
lyssac: (Default)


Do you guys have foods you alternately love or can't stand? I don't really mean hormonal cravings, though I guess that can be part of it. (I absolutely LOVE artichokes when I am pregnant - can take them or leave them the rest of the time.)

For me, at least lately, it's cheese, and it's kind of a recurrent theme. I like cheese, really, I do, but right now, I can't stand the stuff. A cheeseburger is all kinds of gross right now, and I don't think I could eat a grilled cheese right now, if you paid me (and it's usually one of my favorite comfort foods). I just get like this sometimes - cheese, especially cheese and meat together, is just beyond my ability to stomach, even though it is a food I normally enjoy.

I did eat a piece of pizza today, though, so I guess that's progress, but I am still staying far, far away from the a la cart grill or sandwich lines.

Stuff that I accomplished today...

Aug. 26th, 2009 03:39 pm
lyssac: (Default)


First and most biggest whoop, I filed my intent to graduate today, all official like. I'm going to do it or die trying.

I went in and made nice with my advisors that haven't seen me since last spring sometime. I got very ill last April/May and was unable to finish my rotations/classes, and then disappeared for the entire summer, as I have mostly been in Missouri, as I described earlier. Which means I also did not take a rotation this summer.

Well, I have my three final rotations sort of scheduled now (see intent to graduate). At least, I am set up to finish my Hematology rotation beginning Monday. My advisor says that I owe him a cake. I have no idea what I am going to owe my supervisor. She and I just do not connect at all, but I have to make very, very nice, as this is a workplace in which I may wish future employment, and I left a bad impression in the spring (only after a very good one, which is I guess what is saving my butt), and because she didn't have to take me back, in which case I would have to redo the whole rotation instead of just half of it, and it would have been a bitch to schedule. So cake, and politically correct ass kissing, coming up...

Financial aid is another mixed bag of tricks. I have to file an appeal, because since I started college in 1991, I have now managed to surpass 12 semesters and am no longer eligible for financial aid. I have been told that I will be approved for an extension, pretty much guaranteed, because I only have 1 semester left (I took a 9 year leave of absence and then changed majors). However, the board doesn't meet until the 14th of September, which means I won't get my student loan for another month, and we really need the money. The delay actually works a bit in my favor, in that I have time to resolve my incompletes by then, so as not to jeopardize the appeal, but I can't buy my new hematology textbook.

I mentioned that I have two more rotations to do. They are microbiology and bloodbanking. However, I am pretty screwed in that I won't be able to do them in town. St. B's is closed to students the second 5 weeks due to their new LIS system, and Baptist doesn't like to take students, and there are at least two students ahead of me in the priority queu, because they have all travelled to other areas and I have not.

For those of you who are not aware - I don't drive - I don't like it, I don't do it. I have a driver's license but it's pretty meaningless. I graduated high school before I was old enough to drive, went to college a year, joined the Army, and then lived where public transportation and my feet (or a taxi) would take me wherever I needed to go. It is definitely one reason I am very much looking forward to moving out of the rural Arkansas/Missouri area. While I don't want to live in a big city, general public transportation and work within a 20-35 minute walk would be HUGE bonuses.

Oh let's see other ramblings - I got my transcript corrected today - raising my GPA!!! I am on the right course, even if it's going to be a lot of work, and I got some work done last night for the scrapbooking site I am working for.

/end rambling

ETA: Amazon Wishlist - hoping for Clinical Laboratory Hematology (2nd Edition) and Laboratory Management: Principles And Processes

8 Miles Wide

Aug. 17th, 2009 11:13 pm
lyssac: (Default)


With much love to [livejournal.com profile] iulia_linnea, I am reposting a vid recc from her entry here. It's by a singer called Storm Large.

Um, not for veiwing at work, or for the easily offended, but I have not laughed so hard in quite some time. Seriously, make sure you're not drinking anything especially about a minute in. And it's gets funnier from there. I laughed until I was choking/crying.





And after you are done watching that, and have recovered, she also posted this cool link:
Bobby McFerrin Demonstrates the Power of the Pentatonic Scale at World Science Festival 2009 (WS vid).

Sometimes, I hate money...

Aug. 11th, 2009 07:16 pm
lyssac: (Default)


I am so crazy screwed right now. I have spent most of the summer in Missouri taking care of my neice, because my sister-in-law had major surgery where they removed a volleyball and a tennis ball sized tumor from her abdomen and did a hysterectomy. Because of that, she was out of work for the summer, (and doesn't have insurance,) and Leland has been laid off all summer.

School starts in just under two weeks and I am running around crazy to get everything settled and get my financial aid in place to get my student loans, to get us out of the hole we are in and so that I can graduate in December.

Then, today, of all days, I get offered a friend's on-line business that makes in a year about the equivalent of Leland's salary, for only $1500, if I can come up with half of that as a down payment. AAARRRGGGHHH! I am beyond broke for the next two weeks or so, but this is the perfect arrangement, because I can do it with school, it's something I am really good at, and it is a decent, if not great income to keep us over the rough spots. Except, I have no money right now! It's like that old adage that it takes money to make money, and I am so screwed in that regard.

I even called my mother-in-law to see if she could help, but she's been supporting my sister-in-law and neice, and my sister-in-law just finally went back to work last week. Like us, she would do it in a heartbeat, if there was anyway...

So, sometimes, I really hate money - mostly because I don't have any.

I know a LOT of people are in similar situations, but it really hurts when there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but you just can't reach it. *sigh*

That's my self-pitying rant of the day.

Quote of the day...

Aug. 5th, 2009 08:31 am
lyssac: (Default)


In response to a thread on a forum in which a 20 year old said that a sixteen year-old's birthday made them feel old:

oh, please, I am almost her age and your age put together.... and I was a child prodigy. I boggle at what it is like to go back to college now to finish my degree, and suddenly feel so ancient. That's just not me... I mean, I am talking to the professors about fairly common things that happened in the eighties, and the other students are like "I wasn't born then".


Just thought I'd share with the class...

Good Wishes, Please

Jun. 23rd, 2009 03:41 am
lyssac: (Default)


I just applied for 5 jobs at 2 different hospitals, and could really use some thoughts, prayers and good wishes. Our financial situation has become dire, and I really need to get a new job. I would be happy with any of them, but I really want the one that is for a Student Tech in the Chemistry department of the hospital where I did my Chemistry rotation in January. I think I left a very favorable impression, except that I did not finish my Hematology rotation in April due to health issues. I need to get my butt in gear and do some school work, but have been having a very hard time of it, because I am so down about our finances.

Please, let this work out for me, because it could mean so much positive stuff for school, work, and my home life. I just need a bit of help. I am willing to work my ass off, if I get the chance. At this point I do not know if I can even return to school, and I am due to graduate in December. I need this so badly.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs

May. 14th, 2009 06:33 pm
lyssac: House giving Cuddy shot (ttc)


I swear I'm going to end up one of those crazy ladies with a hysterical pregnancy like that chick on Grey's Anatomy.

I posted over the weekend/Monday or sometime about how I was having weird pregnancy symptoms/premonitions even though I was barely past ovulation and knew it was impossible. Today my breasts are killing me. I'm only 5dpo. I'm not that crazy yet. I know it's all in my mind, but dammit.

On top of that, I had a doctor's visit today because I've been having problems with my diabetes. I told her that I wasn't "trying" but I wasn't "not trying" either. She told me not to get pregnant right now, because of my health and the stress of my current financial situation. I know all of that in my head, and really, it's been quite a while since I was this "baby crazy". I don't know where my head is at.